Her answer? "Because at school I get smileys."
Let me explain these "smileys." They are Smiley Faces that were drawn in her communication folder on a daily basis. There were categories such as "listening" or "being kind to friends." If a child did these things during the day, the teachers drew a smiley face for the parents to see and celebrate. If not, the teachers drew apathetic or sad faces to let parents know of a problem.
That's it. No classroom rewards; no other incentives. Just smileys. And a reliance on parental support to reinforce the system.
Now, Big Sister has the most wonderful teachers in the world. I don't know if any other teachers will ever live up to the standards they have set. And as simple as their plan seemed (and in early childhood they are limited a lot more than in the elementary school system, by the way) it worked for Big Sister. She got ONE apathetic, straight lined mouth smiley. ONCE.
Every day when I picked her up, she asked, "All smileys mom?" as I signed her folder. It was apparently all the motivation she needed.
So, here I was, in the middle of dealing with a crazy tantrum, when she tells me she behaves for the "smileys." I sighed, and tried to explain through gritted teeth that the smileys were just a way for Moms & Dads to know how kids behaved and deal with it at home. Which was what we were doing, right then & there...
But she's four. And she doesn't get the similarities. Because there are no smileys.
Or there were no smileys. Because I took this comment, prayed about it, thought about my classroom management and behavior philosophies when I was teaching (by the way, I've got a post brewing about how that ruined my chances at being a normal mom... stay tuned), and read a few books. And I came up with my own smiley chart.
Big Sister now has a chance to earn nine smileys every day. Some are very easy for her, and others are problem areas like "attitude with Little Sis" or "cooperation at bedtime." That way, she has small victories and new challenges.
I added a reward when she earns all smileys and has a "perfect" day. She picks a card with something like "put $0.50 in your bank" or "stay up ten minutes late" or "play a video game with Mommy & Daddy" or "draw from the goody bag."
I've also tried to remind her that one mistake doesn't ruin everything. That we all make mistakes but that it's how we learn and recover from them that makes a difference.
And guess what?
Since Sunday, she has had THREE "perfect" days.
We're seeing a LOT of smileys. And not all of them are on paper.
3 comments:
Enjoyed your post... I wrote John-boy a note yesterday about this parenting book I want you guys to check out called "The Idle Parent: Why Laid Back Parents Raise Happier and Healthier Kids" by Tom Hodgkinson. It's by far the most enjoyable book of it's kind I have run across to date... He has some rather interesting and provocative ideas I want to hear your thoughts on as our resident early childhood expert... Best of luck with the new system of reward for the BHannahna... We miss you guys! Have a great holiday weekend!
- S.
Not sure if you will see this and I don't mean to "rain on your parade" but you might want to reconsider calling an all smiley day a "perfect" day, especially when you have a child who tends to be pressuring herself to be a "perfectionist". I am no expert in early childhood nor in parenting. Just not sure "perfect" is the right concept to perpetuate. Life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect - which is one of the lessons you are trying to teach her that the world does not end if mistakes are made, just learn from them and move on.
And you my dearest one are NOT EVEN CLOSE to being a "failure" as a parent. We need to have a long talk you and I - "other-mother-to-my-first-born" kind of talk. Cut yourself some slack, give yourself the enormous kudos you deserve and let go of some of your own "perfectionism", learn that it is OK as well as "perfectly" normal to have a tantrum throwing 2 and 4 year old - by the way, you wrote the book on some of that and look how you turned out!! AWESOME!!! - and it is OK to be totally and completely frustrated and overwhelmed by the whole thing at times.
I love you, I miss you, hang in there. This phase passes and you move to the next one that will make you wish you were only dealing with tantrums!!
P.S. - Happy Birthday Little Sis!!
Thanks Stephen! We'll have to check it out.
Sue-sue, don't worry- we only say she had "all smileys." And we've talked a LOT about how no one is perfect and we all make mistakes and that it is even possible to earn a Smiley after making a mistake, if we make a better choice or take responsibility for our mistakes.
As for overwhelmed, yeah! But I know some of it's definitely payback. ;)
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