The world in silent stillness lay...

It's quiet in my house right now, which is unusual because it is 2:30 in the afternoon. Both girls are napping at the same time, a rare treat these days. I've cleaned up the kitchen, done a load of laundry and fussed with a few Christmas decorations. But I've also tried to enjoy the silence. And listen.

A wise friend posted this Eugene Peterson quote on his facebook page:

"I don't see any way out of it: if we are going to live appropriately in the creation, we must keep the Sabbath. We must stop running around long enough to see what God has done and what God is doing. We must shut up long enough to see what God has said and is saying. All our ancestors agree that without silence and stillness there is no spirituality, no God-attentive, God-responsive life."

I needed this today. I've needed it for a while. I love advent for the quiet mystery of it all. Or what is supposed to be quiet mystery. But as I've tried to prepare my heart for the coming of the King this Christmas season, I've been having a hard time even preparing for the preparation. I've literally been looking at my calendar, trying to find a chunk of time to sit and ponder the wonder of the Word made flesh. I'll admit, I felt discouraged with the lack of true "silence & stillness" this advent seems to be offering. Lots of meetings, musicals, choir concerts, a wedding in which I am singing, even a few well-intended church activities designed to help us ponder the season. But silence? I'm trying to pencil it in between seeing Santa and baking cookies.

Thankfully, our God provides. In this case, the provision was an empty afternoon and two sleepy girls. And inspiration from another who desires to seek Christ in the silence this season. In fact, after I read that quote, I found something else. Another friend posted this link to "Following the Star." I clicked over for the beautiful Christmas music, but was delighted to find an advent devotion.

Today's topic? Silence. It seems to be more desired than one would first think.

With all the "holiday hustle & bustle," all of the bargains of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, all of the television specials, parties, concerts, well-meaning events, etc. we're desperately trying to "make the season bright." We're expecting so much of ourselves, and so much of Christmas. So much that we can only be disappointed, either when it isn't just like a greeting card, or when it is and then it is over for another year.

What if what we're looking for is really the silence? The stillness? The sense of God's presence that doesn't command our attention like the rest of the distractions of the season, but rather waits on us to sit. To listen.

And what if all that we do to fill the void is actually making it deeper? What if everything we do to ease the ache is actually making it more painful?

And what if we prepare our homes and our gifts for holiday celebrations, but not our hearts for the Foundation of all celebration, at Christmas and always?

What if we anticipate Christmas without taking the time to wait in expectation on the Christ child?

I am thankful for a few moments to reflect (ironically on the need to reflect) and listen to the voice. It has been too long. I couldn't sit still for more than just a little while. The Voice was harder to hear than it used to be.

But God met me here.

In the silence.

Song for Sunday: Advent Begins

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Here is a hauntingly beautiful version of this song by Enya. I wanted to put it on my playlist but it wasn't available.

New Playlist

I've made a Christmas music playlist to get into the spirit around here. In accordance with my blog (and my life) it is quite random. Some are beautiful, some are silly, and some are pure holiday cheez-wiz. But all of them are songs that I couldn't live without at Christmas time.

I hope you'll enjoy hearing some of my favorite songs of the season. If not, you can always scroll all the way down and make it stop. You know, if you're a GIANT Scrooge.

This Santa Stuff is too hard!

Dear Readers,

If at any time in the last little-over-a-year that I've been blogging I gave you the impression that I know anything at all, I apologize. If I've led anyone of you to believe that I have this mommy-thing all figured out, you're sadly mistaken.

Case in point: Santa.

Of course, I have the main idea figured out. In fact, I remember being 6 or 7 years old, badgering my mother to just tell me the truth. I even used the best logical argument I've ever heard (granted, it was my own, so I'm a little biased) for getting a grown-up to confess their secret identity as Father Christmas. I told her that if she didn't tell me, I would grow up and have children of my own who wouldn't have gifts on Christmas morning, all because I didn't know for sure it was supposed to be my job.

Well, here I am with kids of my own. Ever since we welcomed Big Sister into our family, Hubby & I have relished our duties each Christmas eve. But this year, I'm kind of wishing I didn't know it was my job. Because if there really were a magical man who embodied the Spirit of Christmas, he would certainly know how to handle Big Sister's Christmas list better than I could.

Last year was so simple. She wanted a dollhouse, but that was an idea I planted in her brain early in the Christmas season. Not that she didn't get super excited about it- it was just that she needed a little help coming up with an idea, and I needed to be able to get something early without my little indecisive one changing her mind over & over. The only other things on her list were light-up princess tennis shoes and some "Christmas jewelries." It warmed my heart to think that my then-three-year-old was not overly materialistic about Christmas gifts. I expected this sweet, simple Christmas spirit to last. It has not.

This year, Big Sis wants to ask Santa for everything she sees on television. (She is extremely susceptible to commercials on Noggin so we will hereafter ONLY be watching PBSkids and DVDs!) I've been trying to remind her that Jesus only got three gifts for Christmas (from the wise men) and that since it is actually His birthday, we shouldn't expect any more. One day I reminded her that gifts aren't what Christmas is all about, to which she responded "yes, it is. Christmas is about getting things from Santa." Sigh.

When I did my consignment sale shopping this fall, I found a few great bargains that she would love to get as gifts. So I've been trying to tell her that she needs to leave some room for Santa to bring surprises. But she also has LOTS of things she wants. Some of those things I've passed along to my mom, who will in turn pass them along to other relatives. But others are so big they ought to come from Santa himself. One of them, the Leapster 2 game system, I went ahead and ordered when I got a great deal. I thought we had the Santa thing under control.

Then the horrible hands of materialism struck again, in the most innocent of places- the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. First of all, did anyone else notice how many floats this year were advertisements? There was a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage float, and a Build-a-bear float, and a giant Pillsbury doughboy in the sky, just to name a few. Has it always been like this? Was I just oblivious before?

Somewhere along the way, Big Sis saw a commercial for this:
It's a "Barbie I Can Be Pet Vet Care Station." Just the name makes me cringe. I mean, seriously... could they not just pop an "a" in there between "be" & "pet" or better yet, just replace the word "pet" with "a" or "the." I mean, we all know vets care for animals, right? No need to be redundant...

But the name is the least of my reservations about this atrocity. For one thing, it is $60 $70 (the dumb thing WENT UP!) at ToysRUs. Everywhere else, including Amazon, has it for more than $90. Did I mention I already bought a Leapster 2 and game?

For another thing, it is huge. We don't have anywhere to put it.

And finally, it is unnecessary. Big Sister already has a doctor kit and lots of stuffed animals. Sure, there are a few cute features like the iv or heart monitor, but I'm not sure she would even understand them.

When looking for alternatives, I came across this:
It costs $17 at Target. It has lots more tools, a bone, doggie food, and a cute carrying case for traveling to the vet. It is not going to require building an addition to our house. And with the money saved, I can buy a cute scrub set or lab coat to make the pretend occupation complete.

But when I asked Big Sis about a different vet set with more stuff, she said she really liked the Barbie one. She has also been singing about Barbie ALL DAY- including humming that annoying Barbie Girl song which apparently they listen to in dance class. WHAT?

Do you see my dilemma developing, dear readers? We have 1) missing the meaning of Christmas 2) materialism and 3) annoying musical atrocities the desire for a more expensive, more attractive, yet less effective toy.

Oh! Aaaannd 4) a little girl who probably deserves to be on the naughty list much of the time.

But on the other hand, this is the first time Big Sister has ever picked out something she wanted for Christmas on her own. And as precocious as she is, I don't know how much longer she will buy into the magic of Santa Claus. (During the parade, she looked at him for a very long time, with lots of concern in her eyes, and finally said, "That's not right." I waited for her to finish, and she did,"He doesn't wear those things- those bells & stuff." I sighed in relief and just told her that he wore something special for the parade, and anticipating more inquiries, that it looked like he got a haircut for the occasion, too.)

I've run through every possible scenario for Christmas morning. 1) Big Sis excitedly opening the monstrous pink piece- thrilled beyond imagination. 2) Big Sis opening the smaller, less-pink set from Target, perhaps with a note from the Big Guy. The note might say a) that he thought this one would be better because of all of the extra pieces. Or b) that the elves ran out of parts for the other. Or even c) that she had some difficulty keeping her temper under control and that Santa did the best he could. 3) Neither gift comes on Christmas. We roll with the original "surprises" and a lesson in being thankful for whatever we get.

I'm truly torn. One part of me says you have to start instilling the important values & lessons in life when children are young, but the other part says that sometimes (and especially at Christmas) we have to just let them be young.

So, readers of mine, I need your advice. Do I use this situation as a means to teach about what is really important, about materialism and greed and the true meaning of Christmas? Or do I just wait, trusting that as long as we guide her each day, she will understand as she matures, and remembering that these Christmas moments of magic will never come again? Is there another compromise I am overlooking?

I need some help. And since I can't rely on Santa for this one, I'm hoping some of you will swoop in on your sleighs and share your wisdom. I'm so thankful to everyone who reads this silly little blog of mine.



Speaking of how thankful I am for you all, don't forget to enter my giveaway!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~Melody Beattie




Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.

~George Herbert

Red & Green (and a Giveaway)

Nope, this post is not about decorating for Christmas. Even though I know a few of you who have had your tree up since Halloween. I'm a purist, so we'll be waiting until after Turkey Day to start getting out our overwhelming collection of Christmas crap wonder.

I truly love Christmas, and the plethora of decorations taking up half of our attic will testify to that fact. But this year it kind of snuck up on me and I'm not ready. I'm not ready to get out the tree (okay trees) or the lights or the 7,000 miscellaneous candy platters, serving dishes, cookie plates, oven timers, toothpick holders, trivets, coffee table books, singing snowmen, floral arrangements, nativity scenes, coffee mugs, magnets, picture frames... well, you get the point. I can't even keep my house from being cluttered when I don't have all the extra stuff. And if you thought I sounded depressed a few days ago, you should see me come the first week of January. Getting all that stuff out is kind of fun. Putting it all away is not for the faint of heart.

But, like I said, this post isn't about that kind of red & green. (Okay, it was for a few paragraphs, but I promise I am getting to the point.) It's about my red face.

And no, it's not because I just wrestled both girls into the bath, pjs and bed and I am out of shape and out of breath. And it isn't because I got too much sun at an exotic locale (don't I wish?!) I'm not angry, either. My face is red because I'm a little embarrassed. Or maybe ashamed is a better word.

There are lots of things that should embarrass me on any given day. Like Big Sister exclaiming loudly in the dressing room that she loved my bra & could she please count the flowers on it? Or chasing a black bat out of heck dog in the dark and rain, all around the neighborhood, sometimes awkwardly tripping motion sensor lights. I mean, with two crazy kids and two crazy dogs, embarrassment happens.

But today I am writing embarrassed and a little ashamed because I have gotten lazy. One of the things I've tried to share on this lil' ol' blog o' mine are issues that are dear to my heart. Especially being "green" and shopping responsibly. But somewhere, gradually, things around here have changed. Actually, things haven't changed- I've "slacked off." How so? Well...

Little Sister went three weeks or more in disposable diapers because I was so behind on the laundry. And they weren't "green" 'sposeys either- just plain old huggies because I've had some kick-butt coupons for target and CVS.

I haven't made a trip to a real "green grocery store" in months, and our tightening budget has sometimes made me opt for the cheaper rather than the healthier. My girls are Kellogg's cereal addicts. Even the organic food I've been buying isn't all that great- does it really matter that I coughed up the extra buck-fifty for organic pop tarts?

I am still buying only organic, humanely-treated meat (& dairy), but we've been eating out so much that it is just piling up in the freezer and I'm pretty sure Taco Bell doesn't follow the same ethical standards.

I'm trying to shop fair trade and naturally for Christmas (or better yet, make most of my gifts) but Bath & Body Works and Yankee Candle, among other places, just seem to call out to me at this time of year. I even bought two new sweaters for myself at Old Navy during their Friends & Family sale. The other night, after I took off the one I like the very best, I looked at the tag and read "Cotton x%, Viscose x%, Rabbit Hair..."and almost cried.

Oh yeah, and when I shop, I forget my shopping bags about 40% of the time.

The critical voice in my head keeps questioning whether or not I'm a "green" person. Sometimes it even seems to question if I'm a good person!

I could go on, but I'm sure this is either 1) horrifying you or 2) boring you to tears. But, in case it makes you feel defensive, know this: these crazy standards I've set up are only for myself. I don't judge anyone else because they buy their milk at Walmart or feed their families Hamburger Helper. I just beat myself up for those things. Maybe you have your own stupidly-high expectations in some area of your life: maybe you would freak out about leaving the house without makeup or shopping at discount stores (neither of which I think twice about).

I went back and read this post about mommies living in a constant tension- what we want to be vs. what we are or what we sometimes have to be. It helped me get over it a little bit. I mean, it's not like I killed anyone, right? No, just a couple of bunnies, several thousand trees, and a few years of life of some sweatshop workers. Oh, and don't forget stuffing the landfills and tainting the water supply for your children. See how harsh that voice in my head can be?!

The bottom line is this: Being socially responsible is like anything else, including the Christian life. I can't be perfect. And I can't compare myself to other people, or even my own expectations of myself. I can compare myself to Christ, but only so I can humbly realize how much I need Him and rejoice that when God looks at me, That is what God sees. I've had lots of low points in my Spiritual journey, but wallowing there doesn't do anything for anyone. I'm using this approach with my recent "setback" in efforts to live out these other convictions, too.

I'm going to try to go from red back to green.

And to make it official, I'm going to give something away! One of you wonderful readers can win:

• One package (2-3 soaks worth) of Hot Toddy bath salts
• Cocoa-Mint Lip Balm (both from Coyote Cove, a small family business that makes all-natural products for body & home)
• A cute envirosax shopping bag to keep in your purse, glove box, etc. I got mine as a gift from The Brown Eyed Pea and don't know what I'd do without them!
• Fair trade chocolate from my favorite store, World Next Door.
  

All of these are on my gift list for friends and family this year, so I thought I'd share them with you! If you don't have a use for them, you can always use them for your holiday gift giving!

Here's how you enter: Comment below. Say anything. That will get you one entry. You can get a second entry for confessing to your own struggle with your "ungreen" side. If you sign on to follow my blog (or already follow) and comment about it, that's one more entry. You can earn another entry by posting about this contest on your own blog and linking back to mine. Make sure you comment separately to tell me about it & include your link.

AND if you were one of the kind souls who offered encouragement in the comments after this post, you get a bonus entry! Why? Because you commented for the mental health of a crazy mommy, not just some body products, candy or a shopping bag! ;)


I'll pick a winner on my anniversary, December 7th. Ready, set, go!

SOME of what I learned from Donald Miller & Susan Isaacs:

Saturday night our church hosted Donald Miller (with Susan Isaacs) on his Million Miles Tour. This was something to which Hubby & I have been looking forward for months now.

After the evening was over (and after we loaded up the merchandise table, got a few pictures with Don, and saw everyone off) we rode home trying to process everything we heard. I lamented, like I had after Catalyst, that there never seems to be time in my life to really contemplate the big things I encounter. One minute I'm overwhelmed with information or inspiration, and the next I'm off to whatever mundane mommy thing that needs to be done.

Or in this case, human thing. My parents had graciously brought the girls home & put them to bed, but I was so worn out when we got home that I made some cookies (frozen dough) and went to sleep myself. And now, the further I get from the moments spent listening to these two incredible writers, the harder it seems to recapture them. But, since only about a dozen people from the audience were members of our congregation, I want more people to hear the cool things I heard. And, since I obviously felt compelled by what was said, I have to push aside the things battling for my time and reflect. At least, I have to try.

Susan Isaacs: She wrote a book called Angry Conversations with God. It's basically about taking God to marriage counseling. Her talk was raw, honest, funny and fabulous. What struck me most was the idea that, more than anything, we (or at the very least, she & I) struggle with trying to have control in our relationship with God. Towards the end of her dialogue with God the Father (who had a british accent, just because He can...) God reveals that when we say "I really want to make this work" we're really saying "I really want this to work for me." I haven't read the book yet, but I am getting ready to start. I'll keep you posted, I'm sure!

Donald Miller: I've read every one of Don's books except for the newest one, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Searching for God Knows What is my favorite, but the things he shared about A Million Miles make me think it will be stiff competition. The idea for the book came from attempts to make a screenplay of Donald Miller's life, and what he learned about making a compelling story. For the most part, the rules for screenwriting and lifewriting are very similar. It involves a person (one who is seen as a good guy because of self-sacrifice and "saving the cat") overcoming conflict to get what they want. But they have to want the right things- big things. Important things. Not cars or boats or even an uncomplicated life, because who would want to watch those stories?!

Other than the idea of embracing conflict and being proactive in writing the story of my life, the biggest thing that stuck out to me was a reminder of Viktor Frankl's thoughts on meaning. It's been a while since I've thought a lot about theories of psychoanalysis! Miller mentioned Frankl in direct contrast with Freud: "Freud said man is motivated by pleasure. Frankl said man is motivated by meaning and when we can't find it, we numb ourselves with pleasure."

Wow. If that is not enough to make me stop toying with the idea of cancelling the satelite service and putting a timer by the computer, I don't know what could. I've said for months now that we (in our house, but generally speaking too) spend too much time simply wasting time. I find that I especially seek this time out when the answers don't come easy, or when it's hard to pray. How sad. Rather than pushing forward, I avoid. And rather than think about what I'm avoiding, I choose something to occupy my mind & my time. Like novacaine for my soul, only there is no dental work, or work of any kind, to justify the numbness.

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. We all have things we "do to unwind" or to "take our mind off of things." You're probably thinking of yours right now. And in small doses, maybe an escape every now and then is healthy. But what if it is actually the worst thing we can do for ourselves? Something to ponder.


Speaking of pondering, I'll be doing as much of that as I can for the next few days. I'm sure I'll have other things from Saturday night to share... and hopefully some more meaningful things of my own.

Song for Sunday: LOVE

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.



And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. (I John 4:16)

When I first posted this, I didn't even include a title or artist! I guess I assumed we would all know it, but it probably is a little presumptious and may even border on plagiarism if I don't cite it... so, in case you just crawled out of your bunker and checked my blog before catching up on the last 40+ years of musical history, this is All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Big giveaway to share

Quick Public Service Announcement:

Head over to Free & Flawed through Tuesday, November 24th to enter to win an HP Pavillion DM3. You can enter by commenting with your most embarrassing screenname, blogging about the contest, and tweeting about it (for those of you who have a twitter account or a phone with internet access, unlike me...)

Chicken Soup

Little Sister's grumpiness has blossomed into full-fledged sickness. Her coughing at night has finally made her sweet little voice turn hoarse, and I can tell by looking in her eyes that she feels as awful and wiped out as she sounds.

We kept her home from school yesterday as a precaution, but tonight she will stay home from church as a necessity. Though she still has no fever and her nose is actually running clearer than it was, it's obvious she is not feeling any better.

It was obvious this morning, when she fussed and wandered aimlessly around the house, wearing Ariel dress up clothes over her pjs, with her baby in one hand. Finally, I sat her in the recliner hoping she would rest and watch Sesame Street. On any other day, she would have been back out of the chair and into everything before I could even turn around to leave the room. But today, she just sat there, looking pitiful.


It was also obvious when I tried to put her down for a nap at 10:15. She had slept in until almost 8 this morning, which is nearly unheard of in our house, so I thought it was a bit early for a nap. And I was right. But that didn't stop her from snuggling on my shoulder and rocking for a while. I actually think it helped her to feel a little better- stopping like that for some TLC. When we returned downstairs to play a few minutes later, she had a little more patience and focus than before.

Since she was feeling bad (and since I have to go to the grocery store pretty badly) I decided we would all have chicken noodle soup for lunch.

Little Sister didn't actually eat much of it- she preferred the random assortment of raisins, dried cereal, pieces of PB&J, and whatever else I offered in an attempt to get her to eat something. But to me, it was comfort food.

"Mmmm. I like this soup*." I said aloud, hoping to encourage Big Sister to eat it.

"I like it too! You make the best chicken noodle soup." She answered.

Knowing that all I did was open a familiar red & white can and add some water, I felt I needed to be honest with her. "Naw. It came from a can. I didn't really make it." I confessed.

Without missing a beat, she replied, "I know. But you had to open the can & heat it up. You do that the best."

Umm... thanks?



*I should have said "Mmmm... noodle soup!" PLEASE tell me you get that reference.

Operation Christmas Child

Sunday we turned in our Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes. This is the first time I've ever participated- even though our church and my parents have been doing it for years. We were planning on filling two boxes: one for a little girl from our little girls and one for an older boy from Hubby & I. We figured if the response to OCC was anything like Compassion, older boys were probably the most neglected category.

I took the girls shopping for "their" box. It was a great experience- they saw things that they wanted but were reminded that this wasn't about getting more stuff for us. Big Sister suggested some impractical gifts, either prompting a lesson in size comparison (no, I don't think that giant Barbie Doll set will fit in a shoe box, do you?) or, better yet, in poverty. She really wanted to put a Dvd in the box, because every Christmas she gets a new Dvd to make the holiday traveling easier. When I explained that these kids wouldn't have a Dvd player, or most likely a car for traveling, it amazed her. Which amazed me. I mean, we talk about poverty a lot in our house, but actually shopping taught her more than talking, or collecting our used items around the house, or even getting letters from our Compassion kids.

When I went to put all of the fun little girl stuff we bought into the box, there was too much. So we just decided to make both boxes for little girls.

It's hard to tell from the picture, but each little girl will get toys, socks & undies, a toothbrush & toothpaste, a bar of soap, a comb & pretty hair accessories, jewelry, stickers, and some lollipops. Big Sister filled out a darling information sheet to share a little about herself with the recipients.

We used the EZpay option to pay the $7/box shipping costs, which means we can actually track our shoeboxes and see where they end up. How cool is that?

This is national collection week for Operation Christmas Child, although I know many places around here have already finished collecting. Still, if you're interested, you might want to check out the website to see if there are collection centers still accepting boxes in your area. Or, if it is too late to pack a box this year, you can always make a donation to cover the shipping expenses for boxes that are turned in without the $7 donation.

I'm so glad we did this, and I'm sure it will become a holiday tradition in our house. What holiday traditions for giving to those less fortunate do you have in your family?

Monday Morning

We've had a quiet morning, my favorite girls and I. It has included reading, lots of laundry, and more PBS kids than is probably advisable (but Jimmy Fallon was on Sesame Street and it was fabulous!). It has also included some very interesting dress-up outfits from Big Sister:

This is her pirate outfit- complete with veil. When she exclaimed, "No one else has a pirate veil!" I definitely had to agree with her. She had a dollhouse coat rack for her sword and made a map with an x marking the spot, in search of buried treasure.

If by "treasure" she meant "gigantic mess" I think she found it.

Later, after lunch, I came out of the laundry room to find her sweeping and scrubbing things in this delightful ensemble:

Because at our house, we always roll up our sleeves velour track pants and put on our heels before doing heavy cleaning.

Later, she was a bride. And finally, this:

I think UK should change their official colors to blue, white, and sparkly pink.

I got another picture of her in this outfit, which I am also going to post for her photo on the left column of my blog. It is rare to get a snapshot of her beautiful face without some silly pose or forced smile. But today I got lucky:

Little Sister played a lot too, although her playtime was marked with more frustration than creativity. She loves to play with her sister's dollhouse, but her toddler hands just can't make the pieces do what she has in mind. She spent more than twenty minutes trying to get the babies in and out of their little high chairs. If Big Sis or I did it for her (after she fussed and cried for "Hup!") she would have to redo it herself.

Big Sister was very patient and helpful, even when Little Sis was biting everything in sight...

SO, rather than complaining about Little Sister's short fuse (which is directly related, I'm sure, to her icky cough and plugged up nose) I am going to just be thankful that they are not ganging up on me with grumpiness. I'm happy to have a nice day with Big Sister, especially given our recent drama.

I'm also thankful for some sweet snuggle time I got with Little Sister before her nap. Since I haven't gotten very flattering pics of her today (I seriously have one of her biting the armrest cover from the recliner...) here is one from a few weeks ago, just to even out the photos.


See? It all balances out. Just when you're ready to sell your kids to gypsies, you're reminded how cute they are. How much fun they can be. How, er... creatively they can dress. And how blessed you really are to get to spend so much time with them.


And hopefully this balances out the slightly desperate post from last night. Although, I still DO really want (and, in a tiny way, need) to see some more comments...so, what are you waiting for? Click on over there!

Pitiful...

I have the house to myself tonight (well, the girls are here, but in bed asleep) so I wanted to post again to make up for the lack of blogginess this week. But something is stopping me. It's a little silly really, but... well... you'll see.

I am just going to lay it all out there with a pitiful little question:

Is anyone really reading this?

Seriously. I know I've talked to a few of you lately who say things to me about reading something on my blog, but my comments section at the end of each post is starting to look like Big Sister's bag of Halloween candy after this stressful week. (What? Chocolate makes me feel better when I'm stressed! And so do Starburst, and Laffy Taffy, and Now&Laters...)

So I'm going to be a little pathetic and just ask: "Is there anybody out there?" And if so, would you let me know? ON HERE?! (P, this is for you! But not JUST you...) Let's try commenting. You can say anything (well, hopefully not anything... I am asking for encouragement here...) but if you need a jumping off point, how about if you share your own "rather than?"

To get you started, here are some more of my ways I'm trying to continue replacing a negative attitude with a thankful one:

• Rather than be upset that we had to wait on a train tonight, pushing back our bedtime routine and chipping away at my precious mommy time, I am thankful for the adorable "byebye choochoo" that came from the backseat as we finally crossed the tracks. And the other 50 hilarious things Little Sister is saying every day.
• Rather than feeling depressed after watching the Lee University Singers at church tonight, feeling old and so far removed from the time in my life when I used to sing more at all, I am choosing to be grateful for the beautiful music and the memories it sparked- especially hearing "The Lord Bless You & Keep You" for the benediction. It made me smile (and sing along- shh!)
• Rather than feel burdened by the stress of our upcoming kid's choir production and how much there is yet to do/learn, I am feeling so thankful for the kids who came tonight with their lines & solos down pat. I'm very proud of these kiddos and grateful that I get to work with them.

How about you? Will you share yours? Even if you've never commented before? Can you give a crazy mommy who has had a looooong week a little help here? A little motivation to keep on blogging?

Thanks :)

Song for Sunday: Worse than when I started

I figured it's been a few months, so I'm due for another Derek Webb song. I was listening to this on the way to the bank yesterday. Little Sis liked the beat... (she kept saying "mooo-sick" and clapping her hands or nodding her head. She's not bad at keeping beat, for an 18 month old) ...but I like the words. Especially the last verse, which references this passage. I think I've been trying to fix things by myself again- and it's not working so well.

Mockingbird
by Derek Webb
There are days I don’t believe the words I say
like a life that i’m not living
a song that i’m not singing but to you

There are times that I believe I’m satisfied
like an intimate connection
despite this bad reception with you
because I can’t afford to pay
for most of what I say
so it’s a lucky thing
that the truth’s public domain

and I am like a mockingbird
I’ve got no new song to sing
and I am like an amplifier
Ijust tell you what I’ve heard
oh, I’m like a mockingbird

and yes, it’s true that I need this more than you
like one whose name is many
have mercy, please don’t send me away
and I’ll do all I can
to be a better man
oh I’ll clean up this act
and be worse than we started

and I am like a mockingbird
I’ve got no new song to sing
and I am like an amplifier
I just tell you what I’ve heard
oh, I’m like a mockingbird

Rather than...

I haven't written in a few days. Yes, it has been busy and hectic. But honestly, I just didn't have much nice to say. I've felt, to borrow a good description from Grey's, all "dark & twisty."

But as Thanksgiving swiftly approaches, I have decided to try to replace my gripes with gratitude. You know, mind over matter. Or even better: putting my mind on what really matters. So rather than simply grumbling about things that have occurred this week, I'm going to try to focus on some things for which I am thankful.

1. Rather than complain that our bank is no longer open on Saturdays and that I had to find that out by driving all the way there first, I will give thanks that Hubs & I have jobs and paychecks to deposit.
2. Rather than whining about all of the unfinished home repair jobs taunting me from the long to-do list on the counter, I will remember with humble praise that I am fortunate to have a home at all.
   
3. Rather than continuing to wallow in embarrassment and anger at Big Sister for her gigantic temper tantrum in the aisle, in the front of the sanctuary during the Upward Soccer award's night while her Dad was on stage (okay, I'm still sort of wallowing... sigh) I will choose to be thankful for the friends who helped me leave and look after Little Sister while I attempted to stand my ground. And I will thank God for giving me a little bit more patience when I thought mine was all used up.
4. Rather than feeling sad that we are far away from family and friends as we approach the holiday season, I will be thankful for parents who make the trip to visit us frequently and for growing friendships and (church) family here.
5. Rather than fussing about crazy schedules or too many obligations, I will be grateful for the chance to give my time to my community, my church, my children, my husband or my friends, knowing that ultimately when I use my time and resources to build up, serve and love those around me, I am loving Christ. I will humbly give thanks that Christ accepts my meager gifts and loves me no matter what I have to offer.

Even when all I can offer is an attempt at thanksgiving, an effort at being thankful.

And even when I'm "dark & twisty."

Thanks & Prayers

I found this simple prayer on a site for the Franciscan Sisters at Springfield (IL).

Prayer for Veterans Day

We ask for blessings on all those who have served their country in the armed forces.
We ask for healing for the veterans who have been wounded, in body and soul, in conflicts around the globe.
We pray especially for the young men and women, in the thousands, who are coming home from Iraq with injured bodies and traumatized spirits.
Bring solace to them, O Lord; may we pray for them when they cannot pray.
We ask for, echoing John Paul II, an end to wars and the dawning of a new era of peace,
As a way to honor all the veterans of past wars.

Have mercy on all our veterans from World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq,
Bring peace to their hearts and peace to the regions they fought in.
Bless all the soldiers who served in non-combative posts;
May their calling to service continue in their lives in many positive ways.

Give us all the creative vision to see a world which, grown weary with fighting,
Moves to affirming the life of every human being and so moves beyond war.
Hear our prayer, O Prince of Peace, hear our prayer


And a friend of mine shared this on Facebook today:

Eleanor Roosevelt's Wartime Prayer

Dear Lord,

Lest I continue
My complacent way,
Help me to remember that somewhere,
Somehow out there
A man died for me today.
As long as there be war,
I then must
Ask and answer
Am I worth dying for?

Fall Program

Monday night was the Fall Program at the girls' school. It was Little Sis's first program and one of Big Sister's last. It also completely crept up on us as the next few days (and, who are we kidding, the next two months) start to get hectic. This week alone we have this program, a mom meeting for me (if I make it), a pizza party for Hannah's soccer team, special Veteran's Day events at church, and two days of play rehearsal for the hubby (one of which he will have to miss) for the Upward end of the season celebration- which is one of his biggest nights of the year. I'm tired just thinking about it, and also dreading what will happen when our kids are older and I'm trying to juggle two kids' extracurricular activities.

I felt like I had a glimpse of that elementary school mom stress this week, when I asked Big Sister what she had to wear to her program. Usually, if there is something in particular they want the kids to wear, there is a note sent home. But, I'll be honest, with two of us taking turns picking up during the week, I don't always see the notes. So I asked Big Sister. The day of the program.

Do you know what she said?

"I have to wear a white t-shirt with a flag painted on it."

I thought about it for a second, thinking this sounded more like July program attire, but then I remembered that they were singing a patriotic song (for Veteran's Day, I assume). So maybe the flag shirt was the assigned program-wear.

"Is that something you made at school?" I asked.

"No, we can make it here. You just get some red & blue paint and a white t-shirt..." and she started launching into Martha Stewart type directions. I stopped her before she could say it was a "good thing" to tell her that we didn't have a white t-shirt. Or time for paint to dry. Rather than argue or cause either one of us (although more HER) to stress, I told her we'd talk about it after naptime.

I helped her get upstairs and settled in with some books, and then I called the school. I asked if they were supposed to wear something special, and the first person I talked to wasn't sure. Finally, one of Big Sister's teachers walked by and answered the question. They were just supposed to wear something casual. (yeah right. I've seen these kids- casual would mean some of them were wearing their Christmas dresses. I was going to have to be very careful to find something equal parts "pretty" and "comfortable.")

Before I hung up, I explained to them why I was calling- and how I felt like the mom whose kid tells her the night before the school play that they need to have a turkey costume. Thankfully, my kid was just making up this stuff on her own. And by the end of rest time, she had completely forgotten about it and suddenly remembered the words "casual" and "nice" instead of "paint."

At least I knew what Big Sister was going to be singing. I even helped her practice a few times. Little Sister's program "performance" was going to be a big surprise. She has been singing a lot around the house. She sings, "row row row... row row row." Or "round & round... shh shh shh... beep beep beep" and my personal favorite "A B C eee-eh-gee... NOOOOW I know... now I know."

But it turned out that her class was just playing instruments and "singing along" with a few songs on cd. And Little Sis- well, she shook her intrument once or twice, but really she was just sitting on stage, looking confused and doing her "silent observer" thing. It's funny to me how someone with such a strong personality at home can be so quiet and content to watch in other situations. She definitely doesn't get that from me!

Little Sis on stage. Sorry this is so dark.

I tried to lighten the shadows a little bit, but I should have gotten closer to the stage.

Big Sister's class went last. They were great! She (as usual) took performing very seriously.


But she didn't seem to be nervous. Especially at the end, when the kids were finished and trying to spot their parents in the crowd:


I have some other great pictures that I wish I could share, but I don't have permission to post pics of other peoples' darlings. So these will have to suffice (unless you come by & see them in real life...)

After quickly grabbing punch & cookies, we headed home for the first in a week filled with long nights. I'm praying the girls nap well & sleep in, so that we don't pay for this next week!

Song for Sunday: drifting away...

Lord Move, or Move Me
by FFH

I can't find the words to pray
I'm a little down today
Can you help me?
Can you hold me?

I feel like a million miles away
And I don't know what to say
Can you hear me anyway?

What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You have taught me
No matter what you'd understand

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

I've look every where to find
A simple peace of mind
I can't find nothing on my own
So I got to leave myself behind
Take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
Lord I know I need you to help me do this

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
Cause I am weak but Lord you are so strong
And you know it's been way too long (been way too long)

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and I'll knock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)... or move me.

Sigh...










... I LOVE fall.

TGI...NAFMA...

That's "Thank Goodness It's Not A Full Moon Anymore."

Because, even if the full moon was not the cause of all of my troubles from the past few days, the analytical, problem-finder/solver in me needs an explanation. And lunar influence is all I've come up with.

Wednesday was one of the worst mommy days I've ever had. It made me think about dusting off my Mommy Resignation Letter. My friend Hope, who experienced part of the crazy day with me, said she wanted me to write about it. While I will try to share with you the sequence of events from that terrible day, I am not sure if I am ready to blog about it, at least not without accidentally using a teensy bit of language more fitting a sailor's blog than a mommy's.

Let's just say that everyone woke up crabby. Then, getting out of the house & to meet a friend and ride together to a Mary K party almost took an act of congress. Hubs & I were gripey with each other. I couldn't find my keys. Something smelly (milk?) had spilled in the diaper bag, and I had to find a substitute and switch everything over. I somehow set off the car alarm in my own garage. When we finally pulled out of the garage and got down the road, I realized I never had finished printing up those directions...

Apparently, things were equally crazy on the other end too, since I got a text message saying they'd be late meeting us due to crazy kid behavior. It was only 9:30 and already almost laughable. Then things went from sorta bad to much, much worse.

The party was a great idea- in theory. Those of us mommies who never seem to have a free weeknight were going to get together with our kids in tow. They could play together and we could sample some pampering products and collectively watch them... watch them hurt themselves, that is. And throw massive fits. My poor friend's little guy B got hurt on two separate occasions, the second of which required leaving to go to the doctor for three stitches. And not long after, since we had drawn the party out way past lunch/naptime, most of the remaining children began to unravel.

I found myself in the middle of a classic Big Sister meltdown- in the middle of a living room full of other mommies & kids. It started simply enough- Little Sis was trying to take something from her & she responded by hitting her with it. I took a deep breath and just told her that I might have to hold the coveted toy/source-of-conflict for a few minutes until Big Sister apologized.

Cue screaming. And lots of "NO." And kicking & trying to claw my eyeballs out as I dragged her to the stairs to sit in time out. When she wouldn't sit on the steps, I actually put her in the small bathroom near the bottom of the stairway- which, by the way, was very dark. Muah ha ha. She hated it and decided quite quickly that the stairs were a better option.

Of course, Little sister never leaves Big Sister alone during time out, so at one point I was standing over Little Sister while she rolled on the floor having a tiny tantrum of her own because I wouldn't let her bother Big Sister, who was in time out for her ongoing gigantic fit.

We finally got everyone settled down & out the door, and I am sure our wonderful hostess mommy was glad to see us go. I had to drop Hope & her little guy off at their car which we left that morning at the mall. So we decided to try to feed the kids Chikfila before heading home. Have you have tried to carry a tray (with drinks) while pushing a double stroller? Mark another tally on the frustration chart. Or make that two- because in the madness, I put my credit card somewhere out of the ordinary and didn't find it until today.

Other than crankiness from Little Sister, the meal at the mall was actually not that bad. And she fell asleep on the way home, so things were looking up. But then she woke up a few minutes later, right after I helped Big Sister lay down to rest. I spent the next forty-five minutes trying to get her to go back to sleep (or eventually, just trying to get her to stop crying, and scratching, and headbutting- I guess she was over-tired but determined not to sleep). I was almost successful, too. Until Big Sister started calling for me from the next room.

What could be such a big emergency, that my darling, independent Big Sister would need me so badly that she would break a BIG naptime rule? She had to poop. She failed to remember that, at four, she can GO TO THE BATHROOM BY HERSELF, and she failed to hear me when I stuck my head out the door and angrily whispered a reminder of this fact. In fact, she failed a lot of things, because the calling got louder, and the words changed. They were words that should not have surprised me on a day like this, but they did nonetheless: "I had an accident."

Dear reader, will you judge me too harshly if I tell you I LOST IT? If so, go ahead and get your narrowed-eyes and pointer fingers ready. Because I couldn't take it anymore. I yelled. I pitched a mommy-fit of my own. I told Big Sister that she needed to take care of the mess herself because I didn't want to. That I just didn't think it was fair anymore that she (and Little Sister, too, apparently) could scratch and scream and disobey me and then expect me to happily wipe their bottoms (and wherever else needed to be wiped at this point...) I screamed ahem, shared my frustrations about how she KNEW not to call out during naptime, and how any chance of getting her sister to go back to sleep (and of me getting five minutes to regroup) was now shot to... well... the very thing I was still angrily not accepting that I had to clean up.

Then I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw myself. Red-faced, crazy-eyed, with one strand of hair dangling where it had escaped my ponytail during my temper tantrum. Possibly in an attempt to flee. Because I was, in that instant, "scary mom." Like, almost "no more wire hangers" scary.

So I took those five minutes to regroup. I left Big Sister on the potty and Little Sister screaming in her crib. I went into my room and I sat on my bed and I punched stuff took a deep breath and said a prayer for the fruits of the spirit. Or really just, you know, for help.

I went back to the hall bathroom and explained why I didn't want to deal with anything else gross- because the way I had been treated by Big Sis all week was disgusting enough. I told her that sometimes it hurts my feelings (and unfortunately, even my body) enough that I don't want to deal with it anymore. And that, since I was their mommy and I loved them so much, I would never really quit, but that sometimes Big Sis needed to realize that I have feelings too. And that I can reach my limit and (gasp) lose control too.

I asked her if she could think about all of the times I remind her to "get back under control" when things make her frustrated or angry or sad. And then I told her that all day I had been saying that too myself. And not just that day, but every day, when things- and definitely not just children- frustrate me or hurt me, I have to take deep breaths or count to ten or remind myself to calm down. But that for a split second there, I couldn't do it anymore. And I failed. And I was sorry.

Then I cleaned up poop and went back to the crying toddler. Big Sis was already supposed to be confined to her room because of her previous behavior at the party, but Little Sister was not going to give me a break. So, for those of you keeping a judgement list, I did another bad mommy thing- I put her in the pack and play in front of the television and turned on Elmo's World. Then I went to check the mail for a few seconds of fresh air.

And some pet therapy. See, we've been having a feline visitor every day- a tiny tabby, more like a kitten than a cat. She is hungry, and I started feeding her (and gave her a little towel in a box in case she had no where warm to sleep). But more than that, she is starved for attention. When I go on the porch and sit down, she is immediately in my lap, rubbing her little kitty chin on my arms, kneading her paws into my legs, purring like a lawnmower. She doesn't need me to do anything. She doesn't argue with me. And she is always glad to see me. That day, I needed that.

Of course, there really is no rest for the weary. When I went back in, this is what I found:

That is Little Sister, holding her diaper. The one she was wearing when I walked outside. (Those of you still reading to judge me- if you don't have enough dirt already- I did at least take the pic from an angle that didn't show anything sketchy.) Thankfully (and on that day, surprisingly) she did not leave me anything else to clean up. I still had to type a letter for church that evening, though, and I didn't see time for that in the near future. Speaking of church, did I mention that in an hour I was going to get to drop my kids off at the nursery? Only to then be in charge of 40 grade-school aged kids in choir? It was the day that would never stop...

But it did. I went to bed almost right after the girls did- I couldn't process anything to post on my blog. I could only update my facebook status to let everyone know that I was stuffing my feelings with Halloween Candy... and then go upstairs to read (everything is less real when you're in Forks) and sleep. Hard.

The next day was a little better. I still couldn't shake my disappointment at how easily frustrated I was. And when my girls were at school, I honestly didn't miss them as much as I usually do. I had some time alone, but I had to get the house ready for a surprise visit from the in-laws. I was still desperate for a real break. I tried to be thankful- I know so many mommies, both in the blog world and in real life, who have very sick little ones or other serious things happening in their lives. Even my friend's little guy, B, had those three stitches. My kids just had tantrums.

But the more I tried to remind myself how I should have felt, I felt more upset with myself for not being able to feel it. Only now am I realizing this must be more than just bad days- I'm seriously wondering if the side effects involving Mirena that I've read about online are as big a factor in my life as the moon or moody girls. I also started reading a book last night (after I took a super hot shower and cried and prayed) called Wanting All the Right Things. One of the very first sentences talked about this generation of moms having such a hard time trying to be everything and how it leaves us feeling frustrated and angry. Wow.

I also realized yesterday that I've (always, of course) got some things to work on in my relationship with God. I actually sought out a minute to seek comfort from a cat who only seemed to love me unconditionally rather than seeking comfort in the face of my Creator who absolutely does. I'm trying to figure out why and how to change that. Pray for me.

But today is Friday, two days since the worst Mommy day in recent history. We have had some tantrums, but overall it has been a very nice day. We took the in-laws with us on a trip up the mountain to get our Fall photos.


I'll try to post them tomorrow. Right now I am still processing- looking back on the past few weeks of tension and exhaustion in our lives and trying to see the blessings in disguise. Like the lady who helped me carry my tray at Chikfila at the mall. Or the mom friends who smiled encouragingly and knowingly as we supported each other and dealt with cuts & stitches, fits and whatever else. And this time to blog, to spill my emotions and hopefully share something that helps some other mom feel a little less alone in her struggles- or at least find out that I'm not alone in mine. So, if you've hung in for this whole looong post, thanks.

I feel a little better now.

Coming out of our sugar-induced craziness...

...to share about the weekend.

First, on Saturday, we finished carving our pumpkin just as Nana & Papa arrived in town.

Don't let these pictures fool you. Big Sister did not do ANY of the cleaning out.

Little Sister didn't want to touch any of the "pumpkin goop" either. I'd say, "Touch it!" and she'd say, "No no" and stare at it looking rather concerned.

And here is our pumpkin. We've entered into the girly "everything has to be cute or pretty even if it is completely against the spirit of the holiday" stage with Big Sister, so our pumpkin has cute little freckles. It is completely Big Sis's design. She even drew the mouth herself:

After we welcomed my parents (some of us more excitedly than others, right psycho dogs?) we ate a delicious dinner they brought with them (wasn't that nice?!) and get the girls ready for Trick or Treating. Little Sister wore her Tinkerbell outfit from Boo at the Zoo, and Big Sister was a lovely bride:

At first, Daddy & Big Sister went to the neighbor's houses by themselves. But Little Sis did not want to stay on the porch to help pass out candy. So Nana & Papa offered to hand out treats so that the four of us could go around the neighborhood together. People were absolutely in love with the girls- especially when Little Sister would tell them "Tutu" (thank you) after they gave her candy.

Big Sister got so many compliments about her costume that at one point I heard her say, "Thank you- that's what everyone keeps saying to me tonight!" as she twirled around dramatically in her wedding dress. We had a little talk about accepting complements graciously before walking to the next porch!

We arrived home with lots of candy and two very tired girls. Thankfully, they got lots of rest despite the late bedtime because of the time change. The next day would be equally exhausting because we had Pumpkin Patch!

Since Little Sister already had the cute little baby bear thing going for her, I showed Big Sister my adorable little outfit from Switzerland and told her it was the perfect fairytale outfit for someone like Goldilocks. I had visions of cute little ringlets and bows, but she didn't want her hair curled and I had to leave early & let Nana get her dressed. She was still pretty adorable:

I made bear ears for Daddy to wear, and drew a tiny brown nose
(and yes, the guys gave him a hard time about that)

And I pulled on a fuzzy hooded sweater with ears & nose of my own. We were Goldilocks and the three bears! If only we had been able to get a decent picture of the three of us...

After what seemed like fifty tries, this is the only one with all four of us looking in the same direction. Still not at the camera, mind you, but better than the others.

I had a table/booth to promote our new Mom's Morning Out program, so I didn't get to walk around with the girls the whole time. When I did get to spend time with my family (Thanks Megan!) it was wonderful. Here are some more snapshots of the day:

It was a beautiful, clear crisp day. Perfect fall weather. At the end of the event, while everyone was cleaning up, Big Sister joined some friends playing a pile of leaves.

What a great way to end the day!