Mommy (Oxy)Moron

The other day I went to the health food store to get ingredients to make my own insect repellent, because I didn't want to spray icky chemicals all over my kids when we go outside to play. Later, at a nice evening out with some fabulous moms, I joined in a discussion about BPA free bottles and cups, extended breastfeeding, and avoiding chemicals and additives in food. One of my friends has been writing recently about her experiences de-toxing her diet here.

But yesterday I also fed my kids Chikfila. And had a lunch "date" with hubby at Arby's. And I started to think about all of the things in my life that make me feel like one giant contradiction. Here, off of the top of my head, are a few components of my identity crisis:

1. As I just mentioned, I love natural and organic (or at least chemical-free) food for my kids. But Little Sister's favorite snack? Cheetos puffed corn or cheap store-brand, artificially flavored vanilla wafers. Also, Big Sister came back from vacation pretty much addicted to caramel bulls-eye candy. The girls are still using up plain old Johnson's baby shampoo in the bath (baby gift) and then lathering up in organic lotion that I found on clearance- which was a miracle! Shopping organic is EXPENSIVE. I have an internal struggle between "coupon-clipping, convenience food mommy" and "all-natural earth-mama" every time I hit the grocery store.
2. I cloth diaper at home, but the stupid laws in TN say that diapers used in day care facilities must be disposable. I've purchased the "green" kind but they REALLY hurt my grocery budget since I never even thought I'd be paying for diapers at all. So now I am back to clipping huggies coupons for the two days a week I send Little Sis to school.
3. When I am in the car alone (wonderful, though rare, occasions that they are) I listen to NPR. I love Fresh Air, Morning Edition, Prairie Home Companion, all of it. I'd like to think that I'm rather discriminating when it comes to media. Of course, I also watch(ed) Jon & Kate Plus 8 and a few episodes of The Real Housewives of New York... and sometimes I like to see what craziness they have on MTV these days... I can't believe I just admitted that.
4. I love organization and making lists. However, I am often so particular about how I'd like for things to be organized that I end up leaving them instead in organized chaos, waiting for the right opportunity to get my life together. ha.
   
5. I adore the outdoors- parks, picnics, being anywhere near the water, etc. But there are many days when my girls and I don't even go into our yard because putting on sunscreen and bug spray ...and finding shoes (seriously)... and hauling out something on which Little Sister can sit... and dragging out Big Sister's trike are all just too much to tackle (not to mention that as soon as we get out there someone needs to go to the bathroom or starts complaining about the heat).
   
6. I have a master's degree in early childhood/elementary education, yet many days I feel like I am completely winging this whole motherhood thing. I have lots of resources and information, but it doesn't necessarily mean I understand why my child has meltdowns any more than I understand why the flaming truck can't go over 40 without posing serious risk to the transmission. Oh... that reminds me...
7. I am from the Midwest, dream of living in the Northeast, and feel at home in the West. But the longer I live in the South, the more I get used to it; I've started to feel at home. And some things make me feel downright redneck! (see how I got there? I was writing about the flaming truck. the broken flaming truck, at that...)
8. I love animals. But some days I actually contemplate not looking for that darned darling dog when she jumps the fence.
9. I like to think that I am not very materialistic; I'm not one to care a whole lot about labels or expensive shoes, bags, etc. We don't buy a lot of new things for ourselves, at least, it doesn't seem like we do... but some days I look around and wonder where on earth all of this STUFF came from?!
10. I like staying at home with my children. I am blessed to be financially able to do so, even if it makes things a little tight. But some days, like when all of the stores start running specials on school supplies or when I get a Really Good Stuff catalog in the mail, I miss teaching. And other days, I like to dream about what I want to be when I grow up... And on the flip side- some days I feel guilty because I'm "wasting" potential and years of education staying home all day... what's a mommy to do?

Ten things, just off of the top of my head, that make me feel like I am living two different lives. Like I am confused (at best) or a giant hypocrite (at worst). That list doesn't even begin to cover how I feel when it comes to politics or religion (I'm too "liberal" for many Christians I know and too Christian for most real liberals I know) or my other parenting/wife insecurities (just the other day I was worried about finding a balance between raising an obedient child verses an independent, responsible free spirit... I pretty much came to the conclusion that, even though she is not quite four, I've already ruined Big Sister's chances at a normal life.) Is it any wonder that moms (and people in general) are so stressed out? In just a few minutes, I've listed several major areas in my own life where there is great tension between two extremes on any given day. And I can't be alone in this, can I?

Maybe this list just points out the discrepancies between expectations and reality, or perhaps between good intentions and follow-through. Maybe it shows what I want to believe about myself when I don't really want to look too hard at the truth. Or perhaps it just means that I think too much and am slightly schizophrenic. I honestly think it is a combination of all of these. But I think it also just serves as one more reminder of my humanity and my great need of a Savior.

I feel like the apostle Paul when he wrote about what he does in contrast to what he wants to do. I want to be a great mom, a fabulous homemaker, an attractive & interesting wife, a good steward of the earth, an educated citizen of the world, a fun friend, and most importantly, a faithful follower of Christ. But some days, I'm more like a lump (or grump) in pajama pants, wasting precious time. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

The bottom line is this: I can't perfectly achieve anything on my list, but Christ can give me strength to do anything He asks. I may not always know what to do with my time, but walking with Him will help me know what's important best. I don't always understand or like who I am, but the One who made me knows every hair on my head, every thought I entertain, and loves me. Whether I'm playing the perfect earth-mama or buying pop-tarts and fruit-by-the-foot, God loves me.

God loves you.

If that's not the best motivation for trying to be the best, yet forgiving the worst, I don't know what is...