I promise, this Barbie Vet stuff is going to be the undoing of me. Or at least my sanity.
If somehow you don't know what I mean, you can read about it here.
Or here.
Or here.
As I type this, Big Sister is in her room, reading. She has been confined there for the rest of the morning. Because a small squabble with her sister over a toy turned into time out, which turned into talking back in time out ("ARGH! How many hours?!" in her best 13-year-old girl voice) which turned into being sent to her room, which turned into screaming and trying to punch me. Yes, punch me.
Lots of time, a little yelling, several toys being taken away, and a few swats on her backside later and she is quietly reading in her room.
(Yes, I did just admit that we're spanking. I'm even reading Dobson, which is like Dobson reading Al Franken, but desperate times call for desperate- or at least thorough- measures. It is not without much debate and prayerful consideration that we've come to this conclusion. More on this another day.)
The truth is, the behavior at our house has not improved since before Christmas. Sure, she does a few sweet things in order to try to earn her new toy. But the attitude, the defiance, the hurting her sister & us- those things haven't changed much.
So now the question comes back again. Should she get this toy?
If we hadn't said from the very beginning that it was contingent on good behavior, the answer would be obvious. Why not keep it?
If she hadn't received numerous warnings about her behavior, including warnings about getting (and then earning) this toy from Santa, it wouldn't be a big deal.
If she hadn't had a fantastic day at school yesterday, making me realize that she can in fact behave in her wonderfully sweet demeanor when she feels like it, I wouldn't be writing about this right now.
But we have. And she has. And she did. And now I'm trying to sort out my options. I don't want us to be the parents who cancelled Christmas (if you don't watch Modern Family, you should, it is huh-larious.) But I also don't want to be the parents who make empty threats and have inconsistent expectations.
Today, when I reminded Big Sister about it, I thought it would help her to stop and obey. Instead, she began throwing an even bigger tantrum, jumping up & down and yelling "I want it" Veruca-Salt-style.
There is ONE big rule in our house about things we want: If you throw a fit or whine for it, you can't have it. Period. Big Sister has mostly obeyed- or at least understood- this rule for over two years now.
She isn't leaving me very many options to sort.
I never meant for this to be such a big deal. In fact, if we could go back & do it over again, I think we'd do it a little differently. But since it IS such a big deal now, I want to see this thing through. And I need some sage advice from my friends & family to feel good about it.
What do you all think?
7 comments:
Well I am not a parent of a 4 year old yet, so my opinion my not count for much, but I would say stick to what you said. Consistency is important, if you let her keep it w/o earning it, any reward system you try to do in the future will probably not work because she knows she has a chance to get what she wants anyways. And you will not be the parents who canceled Christmas, this is only 1 toy.
sorry dont know why my last comment showed up as anonymous, I put my id in... its deborah though, not some creepy person you don't know leaving parenting thoughts
Hilarious! I was reading the first comment and thinking, "surely I know this person. There's not just some "creepy anonymous person" who is not going to identify themselves but IS going to put their two cents worth in, right?
Well, a little bit anyway. Another part of me was thinking, "cool, someone I don't know who reads my blog :)" and "I'll take advice from ANYONE right about now."
Thanks Deb. Miss you. Your opinion always counts. Your little guy will be in college before I meet him.
My opinion. Stick to the plan. She is smart enough to know when she has pulled one over on you. Consistency is the key to parenting. I do not have children but I think I know teenagers like the back of my hand. I know that it has start early for them to understand when their parent's put restrictions on their lives.
I wonder about the increase in the tantrum when you mentioned the loss of the toy. I sense (in my limited knowledge) that she knew that her behavior was leading to such terrible consequences and the increase was stemming from her grief and loss and subsequent disappointment with herself. Deep I know, but I know that anger often stems from our own upset in our poor decisions. Hard thought to convey in writing but I find this to be very true when dealing with teenagers and even adults. Not always sure how closely it applys to the baby humans.
Just my thoughts. Melora
Naturally, I also love Modern Family!
Ok--knee-jerk reaction, I say don't give it to her. She's old enough to understand the consequences of her actions and I dont want to be a grinch either, but I think you should stick to your guns on it. I know it sucks.
Well...I am feeling your frustration with how to handle your beautiful, intelligent, strong-willed blessing. I first want to say what awesome parents both you and Hubs are and what a superb job you both do. Parenting is the hardest thing in the world and the little critters don't come with instruction books. Having such a bright, intelligent child with a definite mind of her own makes it even more challenging. One thing that I think you need to remember is that she is only 4. She may be more articulate and more intelligent than most 4 year olds but emotionally/socially she is only 4. You probably don't remember being 4 but trust me they don't call them the "fearsome fours" for no reason. As you might remember from your psych classes she is at the developmental stage where they "practice" for adolescence. When she begins lessons of some sort you can only hope she will practice that with such vigor!! And if you are reading Dobson you will remember what he says about adolescence "...just get 'em through it!" and that sort of applies here as well.
Often times with children who are more advanced intellectually get more easily frustrated and angry with emotional/social issues because the intellect is so far ahead of the other areas. Part of her escalating behavior could be a result of that. She just doesn't have the skills to put the brakes on when things start to get out of her perception of control. She "knows" the consequences and truly wants to avoid them but her immature emotional development just won't let her and she becomes angrier at herself but the situation deteriorates to large tantrums, etc. I know it sounds like "psychobabble" like Moore Of Us said but it is true none the less.
If I remember correctly you included a chart with the PetVet that you and Hubs got to decide when to give a check mark. So she didn't get a check mark this day but she can try again tomorrow. You did not seriously expect that this "wonderful" toy would magically make her a perfectly behaved child overnight - or even over a two week period. Isn't grace about getting another chance? Is there a time limit on getting grace? Remember, you are dealing with a 4 year old even if she is a bright 4 year old. You don't have to explain "grace" to her. After years of your modeling it for her she will get it. Right now she is just 4. You are not giving in, you are just giving another chance.
Try to remember that her strong will now will serve her very well in her adult life - if you let her live that long! Ha!
Since reading this today you have all been on my heart all day. I feel like I ramble on and on in this comment section but I want you to know that I love you all. I will try to call again tomorrow because there is more I would like to talk with you about and remind you "in person" so to speak of what a good job you are doing. I love you all!!!
Thanks everyone. Today was a bit better. I feared, like a few of you said, that things had been so icky for such a "long" (in her mind) period of time that she was beginning to feel that she couldn't do it at all. And that frustration was leading to more problems. But on the other hand, she rarely actually showed any remorse when she misbehaved. I'm still trying to figure out if she is more stubborn like I was, or sullen and internalizing like her daddy was... I want her to understand what she has done wrong, but not beat a dead horse. It's a hard line.
Anyway, I was determined last night and today to love on her a little extra and find the even tiniest positives to boost her confidence. She worked super hard today and is back on track with the chart. We hadn't had a single star in like 4 days. Today she earned 2. :)
The plan continues on... wish us luck.
PS- Sue, I was hoping to talk to you today. I used up naptime today being (mostly) productive but will try to give you a call tomorrow when/if I get some kid-free time, if I don't hear from you first.
Love to all of you. Thanks for all of your input and support!
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