The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

This morning has been a mix of emotions. I first woke up at 5:00 to hear Lydia fussing and babbling in her crib. I was dreading another early morning battle in which either she would end up 1) fussing herself to sleep in our bathroom (so she didn't wake her sister) or 2) nursing back to sleep and spending the rest of the morning sleeping between us. The other day I saw some of my mom friends on facebook commenting about sleeping soundly because they brought their babies into their beds. Not me! I sleep on the very edge, with one eye open, constantly rearranging the covers to be sure they don't cover her precious face. I still had the back & neck pain from the night before, and wasn't sure if option two was even a viable option this time. And option one, well, it involved getting out of bed and that seemed unlikey. Also, I feel as if we're just reinforcing the night waking by going in & getting her, even if it is just for relocation purposes. So, this morning I tried something different- I waited. I listened. I said a little prayer & crossed my fingers. Hannah didn't seem to be waking up, and Lydia eventually began "singing"- a good sign that sleep will soon follow. And it did!!! She stayed in her crib, in her room, and put herself back to sleep! Hooray!!!!

With Lydia settling back in, the girls slept soundly into the morning. I went in a little before 8 to wake Hannah for school and found Lydia laying their peacefully awake. I was rejuvenated. Hopeful. HAPPY! I opened the curtains and let the sunshine fill the nursery, and sang one of our morning songs (Beatles' Here Comes the Sun) while watching Al jump up on the bed & wake Hannah with dog kisses. It was a 50's sitcom morning! I imagined what a wonderful day we all had in store. And then our little episode of Leave it to Beaver quickly began to look more like the beginning of an episode of SuperNanny.

Hannah has been having a really hard time going to school lately. She has always been very bright for her age, so even when she was with kids her own age or a little older, she was more verbal. Now, most of the kids her age have moved up, and she is with even younger ones. Because of this, it is easy to get frustrated with "the babies" in her class, or to be bored beyond imagination. I try to remind her that she is next in line to move to the next class, but it is small consolation. On Thursdays we have a great motivator in Ms. Joanna, the woman who comes once a week to teach Spanish. Hannah LOVES Spanish. But today wasn't Thursday, and for some reason her Tuesday morning dance class wasn't sufficient motivation. She refused to do everything I asked her to do. She fussed and cried. She argued- with everything. After a half an hour, my sympathy started to wear thin, along with my patience. I had done everything I knew to do- made things into a game, tickled, reminded her of all kinds of fun things she could do at school. We even got back into bed to "start over." At breakfast, when she lost it because we were out of "sparkly pop tarts" I got out the sugar sprinkles and jazzed up a plain one. I didn't want to make the morning worse by battling with her, but eventually it came to that. Our morning- filled with so much potential- was deflating all around me.

Eventually, Hannah did get out the door. John said she was still a little clingy when he dropped her off, but she seemed to be a little better. I've been wondering about her all morning- is she playing with other kids? Is she crying? Is she refusing to follow directions and hitting another kid with her tap shoes? (You may laugh, but this has happened! Although, I just realized in all of our maddness I didn't even send her tap shoes, so I guess I can cross that one off of the worry list). I don't want her to be miserable or to make everyone around her miserable!

I want my daughter to enjoy school- to enjoy life. When she told me she wanted to stay here with me today, I told her that I would miss her too. That some days I didn't want to go to work or church or do my chores. I told her that sometimes we had to do things we didn't really feel like doing, but that we can try to look forward to them and enjoy them the best we can. But something about that didn't sit right with me. Isn't it too early to be teaching my three-year-old that sometimes life sucks and you have to go to school anyway? Who deemed this to be a universal truth? Why can't I teach my kid that sometimes things are tough, but that the really great things are worth the effort. And those that aren't, well... does she really have to join the rest of us that are overcommitted to things that we don't want to do and that suck the life right out of us? Isn't she a little young for that?

I guess that's the "ugly" of it all. I want to teach my kids to embrace life and do what they love- what they were created to do best. But somewhere along the way, I am expected to teach them how to conform, how to do enough to get by in the areas they don't love, how to push down their disappointment and longing for more and head to their 9 to 5. And while I may have started to teach a little of that lesson today, I think I am going to resign the position. The world will teach them enough hard lessons like this. I want to be the one to say "Who cares what the world says? Follow your heart!" Besides, didn't Jesus say he came to bring us life abundant? How many of us are so over-scheduled in the mundane that we haven't noticed abundant in quite a while?

See, that's what I love about kids. They see something they want to do, and they do it. They get tired of a toy, and they put it down (hopefully in the nearest toy box, right mommies?) They chase butterflies and drop everything to dance when a favorite song comes on (There is a song on Noggin that we've seen a bazillion times, but every time it comes on, Hannah calls out "Come on Mom! It's OUR song!" I'm posting it below). Kids eat what they like and tell you how they feel, and they can't wait to run outside to watch the garbage truck. When they have time to spend with someone they love, they do it. So, yeah. I've decided. I'm not going to try to explain to my three-year-old something that doesn't even make sense in my own head. Now, I'm going to get off of here & get my housework finished so I can hang out with my kiddo when she gets home. I wonder what other kinds of food I could put sprinkles on?