In the Ashes

I've attempted to post this for two days, but I keep having html errors. It's quite frustrating to hit "publish post" right before my 15 minutes is up, only to see that hateful yellow & red box come up. I can't tell you how many things I have wanted to google in the past few days- especially now that I have a sick baby and limited time on WebMd and Babycenter. I never noticed how many times people tell me "I'll send you a message on facebook" or "I'll just e-mail it" until those words began to make me cringe! On the other hand, I have accomplished quite a bit: I finished countless loads of laundry, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, sorted through old books to sell, started Sean's book The Letters, played with my girls, stuffed bags for Upward Awards Night, and finished The Letters. And I've also found more time to pray and be still. So far, it's a rough but rewarding process.

A few days ago I read an excerpt from Jacob the Baker by Noah benShea. He says he wrote this particular story to help himself & his father cope with a diagnosis of ALS (read about it here.) While not exactly the same symbolism as the ashes worn all over the world on Wednesday, I find this to be an equally beautiful picture of Lent and the life/death of Jesus. After all, what struggle can we face that he has not also experienced? What can threaten us that he has not conquered? Even if the struggle is, as in my case, a silly one against yourself, He has been there.

“Life is often heavy only because we attempt to carry it,” said Jacob.

“But I do find strength in the ashes.”

“In the ashes?” asked Mr. Gold.

“Yes,” said Jacob with a confirmation that seemed to have traveled a great distance.

“You see, Mr. Gold, each of us is alone. Each of us is in the great darkness of our ignorance.

And each of us is on a journey.

“In the process of our journey, we must bend to build a fire for light, and warmth, and food.

“But when our fingers tear at the ground, hoping to find the coals of another’s fire, what we often find are the ashes.

“And in these ashes, which will not give us light or warmth, there may be sadness, but there is also testimony.

“Because these ashes tell us that somebody else has been in the night, somebody else has bent to build a fire, and somebody else has carried on.

“And that can be enough sometimes, that can be enough.”

My time is almost up. To those of you taking on the same challenge, or another of your own, carry on.

Fat Tuesday, Large Blog

I'm afraid the title of "Fat Tuesday" might be taken literally at our house this year. We've been doing well with our weight loss plan thus far, but today could offer a setback. John has decided to give up meat for lent. Since I don't feel like cooking separate meals for two people (three actually because Hannah rarely eats what we do) I am going to join him. Since it's not officially my Lenten sacrifice, I may still have an occasional turkey sandwich for lunch while John is at work. I don't want the lunch meat to go bad! But other than that, our house will be meat-free for the next 46 days. We actually don't even eat that much meat to begin with- we usually have more than one meatless dinner during the week, and even when I do use chicken or ground beef in recipes I often don't use full servings. But there is something about officially saying "No meat" that makes the mouth water for a big fat cheeseburger. And this brings me to my original concern- that my husband's Fat Tuesday indulgences will set us back a pound or two in our weight loss efforts. Not that I will be complaining when he walks in with the greasy bag filled with burgers from Five Guys. No, I will be too busy devouring my cheeseburger (how long has it been?!) and dunking my fries in the Five Guys special malt vinegar to complain. The complaining will wait until I step on the scale tomorrow morning. Or when the Wii fit plumps up my Mii a little more than I'd like. But I do want to support John in this big challenge, so I will also support him in his "last supper."

As a kid growing up in Cincinnati, I was immersed in the Catholic culture. All of my friends went to mass. They got gifts on St. Nicolas' feast day and Christmas. They went to a lot of festivals. The schools served meatless meals (or fish) on Friday during Lent and often year-round. (On a side-note, many cultures fast from meat during this time, so John is actually joining in something shared by the saints throughout the history of the church.) And they talked about what to give up for Lent. Some would give up something that meant very little to them, like bubblegum. But others sought to give up something they would really miss. The season of Lent is supposed to be a preparation for Holy Week. A time to reflect upon, and in some small way share in, the sufferings of Christ. It's not a time to hold back and pick something "safe." And it's not a time to just try and break bad habits (although if that's a side effect, I'm sure it would be fine!) It's about clearing a path for the coming King. Getting distractions out of the way and filling them with contemplation. Preparing the way of the Lord.

So, what am I giving up for Lent? I've pondered this one for a while. Since I'm still nursing, I've decided to stay away from giving up any particular food. Besides, I'm already dieting, so that would not necessarily be something new to turn my attention and cravings toward Christ. Instead I've decided to give up an activity that I often call my "default setting." When my mind & body are tired from mommy-dom, when I need to tell someone something silly (or awful or sweet or whatever) about my day, when I'm overthinking something and need to clear my head, when I need to research something to feel more in control of a situation... I come here. To my faithful desktop. When I need a break, I can't wait to flop into this chair and be whisked away to the world of blogs and facebook. If John beats me to it, I can literally feel my stress-level rise as I wait for my turn. I don't think blogging or e-mail or facebook are bad- in fact, they have all been a tremendous encouragement to me as a stay-at-home mom, and in some cases I would consider them to be blessings (and even ministries). But too much of a good thing is not a good thing. How can I find time to read 10 blogs before going to bed, yet I struggle to stay awake during bedtime prayer? Why is it that I rush to get my quiet time in before the girls get up, yet spend the quiet times during the rest of the day checking facebook? And worst of all, why is it that when something is truly bothering me, I prefer to take my mind off of it with a round of scramble, rather than meeting it head on, tackling it, and dragging it into my prayer closet?

I want a new default setting during this season of Lent. I want to turn to prayer, to reading scripture or an inspirational book, to giving time to my family or to others. I have to be realistic- I still need to be able to be in contact with the outside world, and I still think God has things to share through my bloginess. But instead of all day long, I will limit myself to 15 minutes once a day. That should be enough time to correspond and update, but not enough time to wander aimlessly through search engines. I'll hopefully still have time to blog, although it might be shorter (I know what some of you are thinking- be nice!) Will I feel like I'm missing out on things? Sure. Will I actually miss out on some? Maybe. But it will be worth it.

John wanted me to clarify about this whole "no-meat" thing. He wants people to know that it isn't just because he is overly-green (although he is) or because we've got big social consciences for the treatment of animals (we do). It's not because meat is expensive. It's because, to use his word, it is a craving. When he is out to eat with the guys, watching them gnaw on ribs while he eats his rabbit food, he will want meat SO bad. And it will remind him: that's how we're supposed to feel about God and His righteousness. Hopefully the same will be true for me. When I am desparate to hear a word of wisdom from someone, I won't seek my mommy friends on facebook or even the wisest of bloggers- I'll be reminded of the Source of all wisdom. When I am troubled and seeking a place to hide, I'll remember the Rock. When I inadvertently flop into my comfy black office chair, I'll be reminded of The Comforter. It's funny, we're supposed to be giving up things, but I'm excited about what we'll be gaining in their place.

On you I meditate, and as I think, my soul it faints for you.
You are my drink, you are my feast
You are my love, my soul's own King.
-Charlie Hall

A new blog to share

This morning, I followed a link from a friend's blog and found this one: Bring the Rain I have been devouring everything I can from this blog during the morning lull at our house (Lydia is napping & Hannah is quietly watching Sesame Street.) The woman who writes it, Angie Smith, is married to a singer in the Christian group Selah. She offers some wonderful insight into authentic Christian woman/motherhood, and she offers special wisdom & support for women who have lost children through miscarriages, stillbirth & SIDS. I can only imagine the heartache about which she speaks, but if you've experienced it too, I think you'll find a great encouragement in her blog & her followers.

Today I was impressed with an entry about praying for our children throughout their day. Here is a link:

A song for Sunday

A lot of the blogs I follow have regular themes for their posts- "Wordless Wednesday" or "Quotes to Ponder" and whatnot. I feel that my own little blog is missing out on this predictability, and if there is one thing in my life I could use more of at this point, it is predictability. (I almost typed "regularity" but realized that could be misconstrued as too much information. ha!) So, in an effort to be as cool as the other bloggers I see, I present to you "A song for Sunday."

Today we sang the third verse of God of Grace and God of Glory in church. Amazing how words penned in 1930 can still be a powerful prayer for the church today:

Cure Thy children’s warring madness,
Bend our pride to Thy control.
Shame our wanton selfish gladness,
Rich in things and poor in soul.
Grant us wisdom, grant us courage,
Lest we miss Thy kingdom’s goal,
Lest we miss Thy kingdom’s goal.

My new favorite lullabies

As I write this entry, I'm listening to Lydia's lullaby music through the baby monitor. Usually, it is a nice compilation of classical music, or xylophone versions of lullaby classics. Right now, it is "Yellow Submarine." On one of their last visits, my dad gave the girls a Rockabye Baby rendition of Beatles music. I'm so glad I finally remembered it at nap time! It's a lot of fun.

Of course, it is also bad, because it immediately made me go to the Rockabye Baby music store online and begin composing a wish list. Here is the list of future renditions I want (for the girls, of course!):

1. U2
2. The Cure
3. Nirvana
4. MORE Beatles
   
5. The Rolling Stones
6. Coldplay
7. The Eagles
8. Smashing Pumpkins
9. GreenDay
10. Beach Boys

Oh what the heck, I'll take them ALL! Except maybe for Tool. Oh, and although I like Metallica, I find a lullabye version of Enter Sandman to be a disturbing thought. I admit, I am a little intrigued by the Bjork album, though.

Check out the website from the above link, and see for yourself! They even have a little poll for who they should "Rockabye" next. Vote GNR, please, so I can share a cute little version of my all time favorite song with the Sweet Child(ren) of Mine. And for those of you out there who are not the least bit excited by my above list of artists, there is also a sister site of country artists: Hushabye Baby. It has Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Patsy Cline... OOOH! I'm going to need to make another list...

Hanging out with the girls

Initial disclaimer- this post has a lot of pictures & no real point. You've been warned.

So today I decided to break out the pack'n'play for Lydia. When Hannah was little, we only used it for sleeping- first as a bassinet, then for traveling. When Hannah was little, we didn't have Sophie. Poor Lydia has a limited amount of time to play on the floor, because I am afraid our goofy dog will step all over her. Sophie is not technically a puppy anymore, but her motor skills and...er... cognitive skills are still developing. Basically she is a giant goofball who wouldn't hurt anything intentionally but always manages to knock something (or someone) over. So the play yard could give Lydia a little more freedom than sitting in the swing or the high chair, but also keep her safe. Here she is in the play pen:



Hannah wasn't sure about the whole thing. At first she complained she couldn't play with her anymore & asked me just to put her back on the floor with a blanket. Then she tried to make up for it by putting toy after toy in with Lydia until the poor baby got so overwhelmed I had to remove a few. Then, I'm pretty sure she tried to plan an escape:



Finally she just gave up and decided if you can't beat 'em, join 'em:



It didn't take long for both girls to grow tired of their surroundings, so I proposed a new activity- bubbles! I blew some for Lydia to watch and try to touch with her cute & chubby little hands, and some for Hannah to run around like a madwoman trying to catch.



Eventually, though, I had to blow some for my other little girl, the afore-mentioned clumsy dog. I tried as hard as I could to get a photo of how into the bubbles she was, but it was rather difficult. I couldn't blow the bubbles & then snap the picture fast enough, especially when you throw in the fact that I was trying to keep Hannah out of the line of fire. This was the best I could do:



Fortunately for me, John came home for lunch and was able to video while I bubbled. Notice how clueless Sophie is that she is within inches of Hannah (and vice versa- not the only similarity between dogs & three-year-olds!):




I feel as if we've made big progress today. First of all, I can give Lydia a little more freedom, even if it is from the confines of what some of my friends call a "baby jail." I learned that Hannah really does enjoy playing with her sister. And finally, I figured out another way to get some energy out of our hyper dog. As I type this, she is napping in her crate, making crazy sounds as she dreams about chasing something- possibly bubbles.

A final disclaimer- You read it correctly. John came home for lunch to film this, so yes, my children are still in pajamas at lunchtime. Who has time to get dressed with all the pack & play setting up, bubble blowing, and tea party craziness at our house? Besides, if you pass judgement, you're probably just jealous. :)

My shortest entry so far...

Yesterday, Lydia threw up on my face. YUCK!