Settle in, this is going to be a long one...

"For whatever you may think of me
Any thoughts you might allow
I am not who I would like to be, I'm just who I am right now
And if I caused you any pain
If the words I spoke weren't kind
I confess, repent and take the blame
Let's just leave it all behind
We are fragile everyone, we all long for something more
Things are said and things are done
And the pieces hit the floor - we are so fragile"

~from Fragile by Ralston Bowles

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

A week or so ago, someone found something on my facebook page to be offensive. It was not inappropriate language or anything like that. It was a group I joined, one created by my husband to make others laugh and inspire honest, thoughtful discussion in these politically charged times. The name of the group was somewhat perplexing, if not shocking, but once you read the description and posted items you would see it was total satire. While a presidential candidate was mentioned, it endorsed no political person or party. It was meant to bring to light the ridiculousness of misinformation on both sides of political discussions. Ironically, it did so in more ways than we ever intended.

Rather than seeing it for what it was (or even looking at anything other than the title, I suspect) someone took it seriously. And, instead of asking either one of us about it, they told others. When we found out about it, we were devastated. My husband was devastated because he has tried, as a minister, to walk that fine line of being an open and honest example of his faith lived out, while still trying to be respectful and private about politics and other divisive issues in the church today. I am proud of him for how well he walks that line; it is not an easy task.

I was devastated, too, but for different reasons. First, because I was finally starting to feel comfortable being who I am, and this was a setback in the process. See, for years and years I struggled with my faith and my convictions. I don't always look like the typical baptist or agree with everything those in my Bible Studies or Sunday School classes say. I've always had a passion for justice and mercy and the "least of these." I have been blessed with friends and family members who are not typically the kind of people you find in an evangelical church, and it has given me a unique understanding. I was challenged in my faith and service in college and came out of it (I believe) changed for the better. But, at the same time, it was not uncommon for me to be sitting in a church service or participating in discussion and hear something very hurtful about myself or my convictions. When we were first married and living in Birmingham, I had a crisis of faith. For one thing, I had just experienced the unexpected death of a man who was like my second father. But for another, all around me I saw Christians full of hatred for anyone not exactly like them in their walk with Christ. I had always considered myself a strong woman, not afraid to stand up for what I believe, but I sat in awkward silence as I listened to brothers and sisters in Christ declare others, and unknowingly sometimes me, lost. I was hurt and confused by those at my church. I felt unacceptable and out of place with God's people and couldn't reconcile or separate that from God Himself. It was hard to go to church and hard on my relationship with God.

Fortunately, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. God led us to some great families of faith and showed me amazing examples of wise, gracious believers in our last few months in Birmingham. Then, we moved to our present church, and it felt like a fresh start. Of course, we moved and had a baby and hit the ground running, so at first I barely had time to think at all, let alone contemplate my theological or political convictions. But as I've been studying and praying lately, I've realized the best thing I can give my girls is an example of a strong Christian woman living out her convictions. I love Big Sister's individuality and I want her to value who she is. That is something I can't tell her to do- I have to show her. So I have tried to be honest. When God uses me to teach, whether it be women or the children in our kid's worship time, I try my best to share what He tells me, what I see in His word. I share who I am and who God is making me to be. I am still not out to proclaim an agenda or advocate my political views- I doubt most of the people that know me best even know that I am- gasp!- a registered democrat. Because it is just one component of who I am.

But it is who I am. So this election season, I felt convicted to stop sitting uncomfortably when someone said something hateful about me. I didn't want to simply declare political views hapharzardly- that is divisive and leaves people uncomfortable, which was what I wanted to avoid in the first place. And I didn't want to enter into political debates and change people's minds, except about their ideas of who can be a Christian. I didn't seek out political discussion, but I grew tired of not returning to a mom's group or a Bible study because I was offended and felt too ashamed to share a different point of view. When friends on facebook made comments that said no one could be a Christian and a Democrat, I tried to offer them evidence to the contrary: me. That's all I've ever put out there- myself. It was nice to be honest. But it was also really hard. I trusted a lot of people with a part of who I am that I hadn't really shown before. And then someone took one look at one thing I said or did, and instead of being honest with me and voicing their disagreement, they told other people.

How many other people, I will never know. Have you ever walked through the halls of your own church wondering who is judging you behind their "Sunday Morning Smile?" I have, on more than one occasion. I suspect it is what it felt like to be Zachaeus or Mary Magdelene or even John the Baptist. I also suspect it is how thousands of churchgoers feel each week- either because they are visitors or fringe members, or because they feel ashamed of something they have done, or they feel ashamed because of something someone in the church has done to them. Either way, it doesn't much feel like the body of Christ. That was the second reason this whole thing was so devastating to me: I feel like someone broke the trust that I placed in them, not only as a "facebook friend" or a friend of a facebook friend, but also as a fellow believer in Christ. Jesus is very clear about how to handle disagreements with other believers (Matthew 18), and I trusted that the people I love, with whom I have tried to be upfront and honest, would be the same to me.

I still want to trust. If I go back to hiding who I am, no one will win. I thought about editing my friend list on facebook, but I don't know who hurt me in this situation, and I've come to the point where I don't want to know. If you were that person, its ok. At least I've gotten a (hopefully) insightful blog entry out of it. I am going to keep being me, hopefully encouraging, entertaining and challenging but not offending. But please, if I ever say or do something that concerns you, tell me. If I say something that you don't understand or that doesn't seem right, ask me. I'm not perfect, I have a lot to learn, and I need correction and accountability. I've got a lot of growth yet to come. We all do. And we need the church, the body of Christ, to be a safe place as we go through the joys and pains of growing together and as individuals. I can think of no better place to discover and love who we are.

Mommy-Daughter Time

You can learn a lot about a family from a three-year-old. Take the poem she made up today:

"Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a DOGGIE
who sat down beside her
and TRIED TO EAT HER TOE!!"

Can you tell we have a crazy puppy at our house that is likely to chew up anything? Big Sister has lost more than a few toys after leaving them out for Sophie to find.

The other day I caught another glimpse into life through my preschooler's eyes. My mom was in town and she was singing The Wheels On the Bus. Ever the creative child, Big Sis started adding new verses: "The Nana on the bus says lets play a game," etc. Then she sang, "The mommies on the bus say 'just a second I have to feed the baby." My heart sank. I know I say that quite often- nursing can be very time consuming. But I didn't realize that if Big Sister had to summarize our interactions into one verse of song, that would be it. It was time for some intentional time with my big girl.

First, I tried to stop trying to get things done while Little Sister naps, and instead spend some quality time with my big girl. Next, one evening after preschool I took Big Sister to the mall. I know it might sound lame, but playing on the indoor playground and riding the silly (and expensive) coin operated rides are right up there on her list of favorite things to do. We also stopped by and got a new outfit for her build-a-bear friends. Here is a picture of Big Sis enjoying our night out:


Today I had another chance to take advantage of the time Big Sister and I get alone. I recently got a book of devotions for preschoolers and today we read the first one together. It was about having everything we need (just in time for the holidays) and Big Sister said, "Some boys and girls don't have food or clothes." We talked about how God wants to take care of them, too, and maybe he wants to do that by asking those of us who have more than enough to share what we have. We discussed this over lunch, and she was eager to put it into practice- she kept trying to give me bites of her banana. We also made a cute Thanksgiving turkey together. I still had to clean up the lunch mess and nurse the baby and all sorts of other things, but I also had a great time with my little girl. I hope she sees that. I hope she had fun too. I hope she writes a new verse for The Wheels on the Bus soon!

Catching up...

It has been a loooong time since I've blogged (I mean before yesterday. ha!) so I've got lots to catch up on. First, we've shared some really sweet family moments this fall. The weather has been absolutely beautiful, and Big Sister has been able to do so much more this year to enjoy autumn. Here are a few of my favorite fall photos:








My favorite photo of the season is our annual fall family photo. This year we had to take a really narrow, windy road up the mountain. I gripped the side of my seat and tried to keep from getting sick while Big Sis kept reassuring me- "it's okay, mommy. I like this road." But in the end, the view was worth it. See the picture of Big Sis & Daddy checking it out above. And here is our family picture. Aren't we cute?

Keaton Update!

Hooray! Our sick kitty is MUCH better. I know this for a number of reasons. For one, she has been off of her feeding tube and eating on her own for two weeks now. For another, she has stopped hiding under the bed and peeing in strange places. And lastly, she is now back to knocking things over in attempts to climb into windowsills and otherwise making it sound like there is an elephant on the loose in our house. Other than the poodle-esque hair do from all of the places they had to shave for IVs and such, she looks much better.

Of course we are relieved to have her back to normal, and we are also relieved to be finished with hour long tube feedings all day long. I gained such an appreciation and sympathy for caregivers of sick family members during this ordeal. Our situation, though expensive and time consuming, was only temporary and, let's be real, for a cat. My heart breaks for parents who are tending to their children this way, or wives their husbands, or whatever the case may be. Add on top of that the worrying about how to afford to take care of them and it would seem almost too much to bear. I'll be saying a special prayer for the people I know who are dealing with this and for God to show me how I can help. After all, I've got a lot more free time now that I don't have to tube-feed a cat!

Sick kitty

I wasn't planning on blogging tonight. I thought I'd be in bed by now because I've been very tired all day. But Little Sister is still up, and I'm not sure I'll sleep very well anyway. Last night, I tossed and turned and woke up with a little prayer stuck in my head all night. It was a prayer for a cat. I know some of you probably think that's stupid. If so, go ahead and stop reading now. But if you're willing to at least consider that God, in His unfailing, intimate love for us, might care about the things that are most important to us, then it should make perfect sense.

I brought Keaton home with me one day during my student teaching. She was one of several tiny kittens in a litter that someone was just giving away, and she was covered in fleas. Hubby and I would sit & just pull them off of her, and she would just lie still and content in our hands and purr. Al was curious and licked her a lot but was generally very gentle. She has since become a member of our family, with her own stories and eccentricities . She used to roll seductively on the floor when she was in heat, before we had her "fixed". Once she shredded some of our new wedding registry towels when she used to knead her claws into them to fall asleep in the linen closet. She used to come when we would whistle for her, but only if we whistled Gershwin. She has always been able to find an open window in record time, enjoying the fresh air and peering at birds and squirrels through the screen. She even talks to birds and bugs. If you pet her when she's in the right mood, she'll purr loudly and give you a love bite. If you touch her when she's in the wrong mood, and you have a history of pulling her tail (Big Sister) she might give you a real bite. Despite that, Big Sis thinks she is the best animal in the world. She adores her and is always delighted to walk into her room and find Keaton in the window or curled up on the bed. One more thing about Keaton: she can stare anyone into giving her food.

But lately, she hasn't wanted any food. That's been the problem. A little over a month ago we found a lost mangey puppy and brought her into our home. Keaton has not adjusted well. We resolved to give it time, and after some deliberation, she seemed to be doing alright. She would mostly stay upstairs, away from the dogs, but she would venture down in the evenings and eat a little. But when Sophie (the new pup) figured out how to jump the baby gate and get upstairs, Keaton did not take it well. She got too stressed out. First she stopped coming downstairs. Then she stopped coming out of her little hiding places. And now she has stopped eating.

So, that brings me to last night. She looked awful- frail, pitiful; she even had a touch of jaundice. I woke up all night and checked on the baby, checked on the cat, whispered a prayer that she would make it until I could get her to the vet, and tried to go back to sleep. This morning I loaded up the girls and we all went to the vet. Big Sister made up a song to sing to the cat that went something like "it's ok, it's ok, it's ok you're sick. The doctor will help you" (okay, I think the words "throw up" were in the song too, but I'll leave it to your imagination). The vet did a lot of expensive lab work and told us they need to keep her on an iv for a few days to help her rehydrate and stablize. Now we wait, and, I admit it, we pray. This little animal might not be a person, but she is a member of our family. And she is precious to us all, especially Big Sister. Honestly, I'm not sure what would tear me up more: losing a cat I love so much, or having to explain that loss to my dear three-year-old. I can't bear the thought of either, so I pray. And, if you're not above it, I'd love for you to join me.

Ordinary Radical

Today my husband & I, along with our friend Hope, drove up to Lee University to see Shane Claiborne speak in a chapel service. We got there right as things were getting started and were almost turned away. In fact, we later found out that they had to close the doors with nearly 200 students waiting to come inside. I suppose the fact that Hope & I had infants strapped to us helped earn us some sympathy- they let us stand in the aisle and listen. I love Shane Claiborne because he does the things I am afraid to do. I'd love to run off to Africa to love on babies in an orphanage, or sell everything and live with the poor, or be arrested for sleeping in the park with homeless people, but I've got a mortgage and kids and what about insurance and... you get the idea. But he follows Christ in a "radical" way. He talked about his time working alongside Mother Teresa in Calcutta and the kids in his neighborhood in Camden and worshiping with believers in Iraq. He challenged the notion of "pro-life" and suggested we need to love people "from the womb to the tomb"- changing the way we look at welfare, war, the death penalty, and much more.

Honestly, there wasn't much that he said that we hadn't already heard or read from him before, but it was still so refreshing to hear it again. It was even more refreshing to me to see a group of young people so excited to hear him that they were sitting on the floor in the auditorium. Especially in this election season, when "evangelical" and "values voter" are again loosely defined phrases being tossed around, it was good to see young people who understand that poverty and war and hunger are "values issues" too. It gives me a hope for the church, our future, and our relationship to the rest of the world.

Speaking of the future, this was Little Sister's second time to "hear" Shane, and she is only 4 months old. Granted, the first time she had to hear him through my tummy, and I'm not sure she had developed ears yet, but still, she was there. Both of my girls are amazing, and I have great expectations for both of them. But part of the reason we chose her name (aside from being able to agree on VERY few names and even fewer Biblical ones) was because of my favorite professor at Georgetown. She taught me about the Bible & church history, but also about being a strong, intelligent layperson and woman of God. There were many times I looked to her as an example of faith and grace when I found myself angry or cynical about the church and our imperfections. She introduced me to Molly Marshall and encouraged me to be the first female student to "preach" (careful now, might make someone uncomfortable) in a Georgetown convocation. My hope & prayer is that my little girl might change the world, like Shane, or at least someone's world, like Dr. Hoyle did mine & countless others. And maybe, as I'm trying to encourage my girls to live out their convictions, I will be further encouraged to do the same.

Top ten reasons I had a great birthday

10. A new date outfit from my husband- he even got it on clearance!
9. A hilarious picture of the day by Kevin K Lewis that made me laugh my way to sleep- conference girlfriend... haha!
8. Well-behaved (mostly) puppy dogs
7. Yummy rich chocolate cake from Fresh Market
6. Phone messages from my crazy family singing "Happy Birthday" on the answering machine
5. Lots of Facebook birthday wishes from people from every stage of my life- from elementary school through mommyhood.
4. Getting a bunch of stuff done around the house because Little Sister gave me her gift- she took a nice long afternoon nap
3. Sweet friends to watch our kiddos so we could have dinner without involving crayons, grilled cheese, pacifiers or chocolate milk.
2. White Canterbury Bell flowers, my favorite, bought by my hubby & delivered by my sweet girl
1. Very thoughtful gifts from a very thoughtful husband- including a Dvd of the 1925 Phantom of the Opera movie that we used to watch at the Alabama Theater every October when we lived in Birmingham. I've missed you, sad & creepy Lon Chaney!

Oh yeah- and I'm still in my twenties for one more year!