I would be putting things mildly if I told you that we've recently been having a bit of a power struggle in our home. In fact, after a few weeks ago when the air conditioning was out and all of the windows were open upstairs, I am surprised the neighbors are even still There are several things going on in our lives that could be causing my sweet Big Sister to test her boundaries, the most obvious being my return to work part-time. There have also been several illnesses going around, and although she hasn't complained of any physical symptoms, she could be feeling under the weather. If you remember, she was acting terribly around Christmas time until I found out she had an ear infection.
Of course, there could be other reasons too. Little Sister is finally moving around and engaging with toys and all of us like the adorable toddler that she is, and this is all very new to Big Sis. She loves having someone to play with, then she hates sharing. She offers love & guidance like the protective big sister, then she knocks Little Sister down. It is all very unpredictable and a little exhausting. Especially with her new two favorite ways to
Lying is not altogether new; it isn't unusual for a two or three-year-old to say something that is untrue simply because they believe (or want to believe) it to be true. But this new kind of lying is, well, the real deal. I'm talking sneaky, deliberate, Garden-of-Eden type of lie. But instead of a piece of fruit, it all started with a ring-pop.
One day last week, Big Sister came in from playing out on the Slip n Slide and found half of her ring-pop (leftover from a trip to the softball fields to watch Daddy play). When she asked if she could have it, she was told to wait until after lunch. I even offered to make one of my silly lunch faces (you know, mini bagels or round cracker sandwiches for eyes, a smile of grapes, etc) and she had the cute idea of making the ring-pop the nose. So I get busy spreading some cream cheese when I hear a sweet (but suspicious) voice call from the living room, "Did you hear that noise?" When I asked what kind of noise, she replied, "That crunch noise?" When I told her I had not, and asked what she thought it was, she shrugged it off and I went back to making lunch. I was not suspicious, though I should have been.
Because a few minutes later, when I asked her to bring me "the nose" she padded into the kitchen and declared that she wanted something else, like a carrot, instead of the candy nose. Immediately it made sense- the crunch, the silence in the living room while I made lunch... I asked Big Sister directly if she had eaten the ring-pop when I asked her not to do so. She insisted she had not, even adding, "It is NOT in my tummy." When I asked where it was, and if I could take a look at it, she plainly stated that she did not want to show it to me. But not because she ate it. We went around like this for a while, until I went into the living room myself, picked up the half-eaten source of all of our grief, and showed her proof. Which still did not prompt a confession, making both of us even more frustrated. The whole fiasco ended with Big Sister eating lunch alone in her room, and a temporary ban on the slip n slide. I am still contemplating the best consequences for lying, but found some great opportunities for teaching her about integrity and honesty in the aftermath.
The second big problem lately has been tantrums. Not just little throw-yourself-down-and-scream-fits, but yelling-at-and-physically-trying-to-hurt-Mommy-or-Daddy-out-of-control monster-fits. Big Sister has always been a strong willed child, and we've dealt with the occasional meltdown or thrown toy without much surprise. But these battles have been much more intense.
To be honest, I think I helped with the increase in intensity by playing along. You see, in our house, there is a rule that if you whine or cry for something, you guarantee that you will not get it. For material things, I've done a very good job standing by this rule. But for attention- well, I never thought about it on those terms before! Big Sister would scream and throw a monster fit, and I would go back and forth between trying to put her in time-out and trying to get her to regain composure. I even allowed myself to get into at least one yelling match with a three-year-old (not my finest moment).
In the midst of all of this chaos, while watching my darling girl become more and more out of control, I had to regroup. I studied child development and education, for pete's sake- I ought to be able to figure this out! So I went back over Skinner and Piaget. I read through some of my literature on Positive Discipline. I consulted numerous "credible" resources, from Dr. Greene and Dr. Sears to Dr. Phil, from Lisa Welchel to Supernanny. I also asked (read: begged) other moms for advice. But in the end, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to stop reinforcing the temper tantrums and bad behaviors. I needed to draw firm boundaries and accept NO disrespect, but I needed to deal with everything calmly and as if those terrible, red-faced, refusals to obey didn't phase me one bit. Easier said than done.
I resolved to remove Big Sister from the rest of us at the first sign of a raised voice. If time out in the step didn't stop the fit immediately, she would have to go up to her room. I also refused to argue, debate, reason, or even explain when I could see her digging in her heels to disobey. She could choose to listen, or she could choose consequences. I set up specific consequences for when she started to hit, scratch, kick, etc. I also set up a reward system for smooth, peaceful bedtimes and arrivals at school (our two most difficult times). This strict behaviorism was simply set up to deal with the behaviors (go figure) that were making it impossible to resolve conflict (or talk at all) with my child. I was also trying to discuss with her the more important, intrinsic motivators for obedience and kindness- just not in the middle of a come-apart.
It's been a long time since I was on the Psych Bowl team in college (yes, you read that correctly. It was rather fun, if you must know) so I wasn't sure how long I could expect to wait before I saw results, but I knew it would be awhile before I'd see my positive reinforcement pay off, and possibly even longer before I could experience complete extinction of these nasty little demon-fits. The battles waged on in our home, except I felt better armed, and much less exhausted. Then finally, a break through...
Two days ago, Big Sister watched a movie while I put Little Sister down for a nap and caught up on a few chores. When the movie was almost over, I asked her if she'd like to go outside. I saw that lunchtime had crept up on us, so I told her she needed to eat something quickly so we could go outside. She refused to eat, instead grumping "Outside. Now. I'm GOING outside!" rather than telling me what she might like to eat or coming to the table. I explained that she had two choices- eat quickly & go outside, or eat eventually and forget about outside. She could tell me what she chose by getting in her seat. Much drama & madness ensued, landing her a spot on the steps, at which time her yelling woke the baby. Reluctantly, I went upstairs to get Little Sis while Big Sister sat in time-out, insisting that she was going outside.
I changed Little Sis really quickly, listening to Big Sis's protests. Until it was quiet. And I was terrified. I just knew Big Sis had gone outside on her own to prove her power in this situation. (How did I know? Because that is exactly what I would have done. Did I mention that this whole thing is simply payback because I was the most stubborn child known to man?) I barely fastened Little Sis's diaper and hurried to the steps. I was just hoping she had gone on the back porch, and not out the front door. When I got to the steps and saw the bottom of them empty, my mind raced even more. I hurried downstairs and was ready to race out the back door when I saw her.
Sitting at the table.
Completely calmed down. Even smiling. And she told me she was ready for lunch.
I praised her for making the right choice (and later asked for an apology for the madness) and enjoyed the rest of a very pleasant day with my girls. Have there been fits since then? Oh yes. But this was my Gettysburg, my Saratoga, my Battle of Britain. A turning point. And hopefully, an end to the war is in sight.
...until middle school...
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