Happiness or holiness?

Here is the post I've been working on for while. Hope it is worth it.


A few nights ago, I sat down to watch the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8. I had actually missed the official premiere, only to realize it when nearly every facebook friend I have mentioned the fate of the Gosselin marriage in their status updates. So, I watched the next night, knowing what to expect. I was still disappointed.

I've been a big fan of Jon & Kate. I read Multiple Ble8sings (or however they spelled it) and found it offered some good insight into Kate's personality. Insights that told me what I had expected all along- she and I are a lot alike. In fact, our husbands are a lot alike. Logically, sometimes our marriage looks similar as well. I understand what it is like to be a type A mom with your own agenda and a laid back husband who doesn't seem to be on board with all you want to accomplish in the next fifteen minutes. I've had my share of snippy "Kate Gosselin" moments. Obviously, the stress and frustration is multiplied in their household because they have, well, multiples. While not excusable, the aggression they both sometimes demonstrate is certainly understandable.

When someone takes the job of mothering as seriously as she does (and sometimes I do) a laid-back husband (and who wouldn't seem laid back compared to Kate?) can begin to be treated as another one of the children. The respect for him as your spouse, your partner, the person you vowed to travel through life with as equals, falls by the wayside. I've made that mistake a time or two. It's easy to fall into a habit of placing your agenda on your husband, just like you do on the kids. But no one wants to be married to their mother (or if they do, you don't want to be married to them...).

We can lose our sense of respect in our marriage in simpler ways as well. As mothers, we think we have to exhaust ourselves caring for the children, leaving no room for nurturing our relationship with our spouse, and we think surely our husband will appreciate all that we do and be satisfied because they are his kids too for goodness sakes, he should understand. Only again, our husbands can't be satisfied with just being married to someone's mom.

I am not saying that if the Gosselin marriage falls apart, it's all Kate's fault for being bossy. If you've even been in the grocery store in the last few weeks, you know all of the tabloid rumors about Jon Gosselin's behavior. I like to believe & hope that it's all just bad press, but even he admits that he has been making poor choices. It seems kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy; rather than discussing the dynamics of their marriage, he went out an acted like the irresponsible kid he was sometimes believed to be.

And now a lot of people watched in disappointment as a couple who used their TLC reality show to share their family and their faith with millions of viewers used the D-word. Not that one- I meant divorce. I suppose they thought, as did most of us, that as the kids got older and their lives settled in to a new normal, they would begin to make time for each other, or at least to be considerate to each other. After watching the show, this doesn't seem to be the case. Instead, they seem to have reached a point where they can't find any common ground other than wanting the best for their children (which, in my opinion, ought to include parents who demonstrate love, even when it's hard). They want different things; they seem to be headed in different directions; they aren't happy together.

Let me be completely clear here: I do not know Jon and Kate Gosselin. And I do not presume to stand in judgement of them or their marriage. I am only using the situation I see (and have seen for some time) presented on television as a picture of many marriages. I am not a counselor or anything like that. The only credentials I have are a psychology major from 8 years ago, a dysfunctional family (like everyone else) and did I mention a marriage that can look a lot like the Gosselin's? So much so that I spent a few months not long ago wondering how John & I could be happy in our marriage. Neither one of us felt that we were bringing out the best in each other- in fact, some days it was quite the opposite. Then one day, I stumbled upon this post on mycharmingkids. It struck a chord, and I quickly started reading The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

Thomas has some amazing things to say about marriage as a spiritual discipline- meaning that marriage can be one of the things in our lives that teaches us about God and makes us holy. Holy. Not necessarily happy. Of course, happiness is fleeting. Holiness, and God's love- those are eternal things worth growing into. One thing I read that struck a chord with me was about the greatest commandment. Jesus tells us to love God and love our neighbor. We are called to love even our enemies. To be persistent in our Christlike love of those around us. So how pitiful is it that we have this person in our lives that we actually chose to love- we picked them out!- and we still waiver in our ability to consistently, persistently love them?! Maybe, the author suggests, if we can learn to better love our spouse, we can grow in our love for God and the rest of His children too.

And guess what a big component of that love for our spouse was? Respect. I've also been reading For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan. Her research found that an overwhelming majority of men would rather be unloved and alone than disrespected. Reading these two books within a few weeks of each other was like God beating me over the head with a neon sign. I will (now) readily admit that I was failing to give my wonderful husband the respect he deserves. Not respect because of some archaic submission expectation, but because he is my husband. The man I love. The father of my children. An intelligent, funny, passionate, creative, hard-working Child of God (not mine).

After a long day of dealing with crabby kids, it was easy for me to be self-centered. To focus on what I wanted, to complain about something he didn't get finished for me (or even something he said-or didn't say- or the way in which he said it), or to vent my frustrations with my own failures by grumbling at him. I can't speak for Kate, but I think deep down, I feel like I am blindly fumbling through this motherhood thing. I try to get it right, and I am sometimes pretty particular about things in order to do so, but inside I am still feeling guilty about the things I got wrong. But rather than face that reality, it's easier to find someone else to blame, or at least to fuss at. I had a lot of unfair (and often unspoken) expectations for myself and for my poor husband.

That's where my favorite quote from the book (so far) comes in. On page 67, it says, "Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over- expectations or thanksgivings." My unhappiness, and I'm guessing a lot of the unhappiness in marriages all across the world, is really contempt, bread from unmet expectations. Maybe it's because of the harsh expectations I have for my household and myself as a mother/wife/homemaker/church member/friend/etc. and I wanted someone to blame for my disappointment. Maybe it's because of unrealistic expectations I place upon my husband- not just regarding the wallpaper (seriously, honey, we've lived here almost 4 years) but regarding my happiness. We expect to be able to look at our spouses and say, in classic Jerry McGuire style, "you complete me." Baloney! God alone can complete & fulfill our lives. A spouse is just a partner on the journey. When I forget that, when I expect my husband to play the role of God in my life, well, that's just really un fair!

But when I look at what my husband does bring to my life, and how God uses my spouse as one of the many ways He is teaching me and bringing me into a fulfilling relationship with Him, I am filled with wonder and gratitude. And it really does birth respect. Does that mean I don't ever fuss at the clay and grass tracked in my house after a softball game? No, I'm definitely still working on it. But I am trying. I want to see my marriage as a means to serve another person and grow in Grace. I want to be the kind of wife who helps my husband do the same.

If I had a way to talk to Jon & Kate, I'd tell them to read the book, or at least MckMama's blog post. And I'd ask them to consider the opportunity that they have to demonstrate- to each other, to their eight children, and to the millions of people watching their marriage drama unfold- real marriage as God envisioned it. A partnership to give us company, a mirror to show us the good & bad in ourselves, and a continuous exercise to help us practice loving even when it is hard. That would be one of the most miraculous, unique things TLC has ever aired.