Our Tanzanian Family Member

Here is a picture we just recently received from one of our sponsored children, Emmanuel. He is 17 and lives in Tanzania. When we signed up to sponsor him, we were already sponsoring Skarleth, our other (cute, little girl) Compassion child. I had noticed at an event I where I worked a Compassion table (and have since confirmed at numerous other events) that few people want to sponsor the older boys. So, I brought Emmanuel home and asked John if we could sponsor another child. Our church takes good care of us, but we are still basically a one-income family, so it was a hard decision. But it was a wonderful one. Emmanuel has done so well in the Compassion project. He sends us report cards, tells us what scripture he is learning, and prays for us. And we're the ones who are supposed to be supporting him!

I know I've plugged Compassion a lot lately, so I'll lay off for a bit. After this... if you feel so led, visit the Compassion site and see if there is a child, maybe an older boy, who is waiting for someone to sponsor them. It could be one of the best decisions you ever make!

Slobbery Baby Kisses

As I've mentioned in a few recent posts, I am trying to get myself back into the mode of working a few hours outside of the home. First, I should say this: I love being a stay-at-home mom. I love my girls and being their primary caregiver. I love watching them grow and learn new things. I love all of the things they teach me on a daily basis, some of which I have been able to share with you. But...

...this year has been especially hard on me. I don't know if it is because Little Sister never took a bottle so I could have a few worry-free hours to myself (or with my husband, or friends, or whatever) or if it is the only-child in me struggling with the adjustment from one to two children, or the new wild coyote dog, or the crazy hormones & PPD-ish symptoms I've been battling for months. Whatever it is, I've decided some outside interests will be very good for me. And for the girls. Let's face it, as a SAHM, it affects everyone when you get stuck in a rut! So I'm shaking things up a bit, helping with our church's summer camp, and remembering the things I can do well besides being a mom. For those of you die-hard SAHMers, please try to understand ;)

This doesn't mean that leaving my girls has been easy. Little Sister started going to the Child Development Center at church a few weeks ago- just going twice a week while I work. I miss her like crazy from the moment I drop her off until Daddy or I pick her up. I miss Big Sister too, but she's been going for a few years now, so we're a little more used to it. It especially tears me up inside when I drop her off. She knows whats coming as soon as we walk in the door, and she whimpers when I hand her off or put her down. The other day, I tried to reassure her in a sing-songy voice as I crept toward the door. "It's okay! I'll be back! You'll have fun! Play with your friends! Look, there's Elmo!" but with every step away from her, the smile on her face drooped a little more, until I opened the door and she burst into tears. Agony.

So today when I went to get her at the end of the day, needless to say she was excited to see me. Thrilled. Overjoyed. Ecstatic. I picked her up, and she grabbed me in the tightest little baby hug I've ever received. Then she patted my back (for those of you who have never held my sweet Little Sister, she has been a back-patter since she was teeny-tiny). And finally, she grabbed my face, my neck, my shoulder, whatever she could get, and kissed it. I've suspected kisses from her before, but now I am sure that's what they were. At first, I thought she might be telling me she wanted to nurse, and I'll admit I was afraid she might try to bite me for leaving her, but that was not the case. With Little Sister lately, you really never know if the open mouth coming at you means well or harm... the other day, Big Sister & I watched as she put her mouth on Big Sis's arm, waited until we suspected nothing, and then clamped down with the tenacity of a pit bull. Poor sweet Big Sister didn't retaliate, she just cried & tried to figure out why Little Sister would do that... I was very proud of her.

But these were definitely kisses. She even made her snuggly noises while she planted big old slobbery smooches all over me. I held her tight and kissed her back (and nodded as if I were actually listening to anything the teacher was telling me about her day) and soaked in the sweetness of my little girl.

Happiness or holiness?

Here is the post I've been working on for while. Hope it is worth it.


A few nights ago, I sat down to watch the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8. I had actually missed the official premiere, only to realize it when nearly every facebook friend I have mentioned the fate of the Gosselin marriage in their status updates. So, I watched the next night, knowing what to expect. I was still disappointed.

I've been a big fan of Jon & Kate. I read Multiple Ble8sings (or however they spelled it) and found it offered some good insight into Kate's personality. Insights that told me what I had expected all along- she and I are a lot alike. In fact, our husbands are a lot alike. Logically, sometimes our marriage looks similar as well. I understand what it is like to be a type A mom with your own agenda and a laid back husband who doesn't seem to be on board with all you want to accomplish in the next fifteen minutes. I've had my share of snippy "Kate Gosselin" moments. Obviously, the stress and frustration is multiplied in their household because they have, well, multiples. While not excusable, the aggression they both sometimes demonstrate is certainly understandable.

When someone takes the job of mothering as seriously as she does (and sometimes I do) a laid-back husband (and who wouldn't seem laid back compared to Kate?) can begin to be treated as another one of the children. The respect for him as your spouse, your partner, the person you vowed to travel through life with as equals, falls by the wayside. I've made that mistake a time or two. It's easy to fall into a habit of placing your agenda on your husband, just like you do on the kids. But no one wants to be married to their mother (or if they do, you don't want to be married to them...).

We can lose our sense of respect in our marriage in simpler ways as well. As mothers, we think we have to exhaust ourselves caring for the children, leaving no room for nurturing our relationship with our spouse, and we think surely our husband will appreciate all that we do and be satisfied because they are his kids too for goodness sakes, he should understand. Only again, our husbands can't be satisfied with just being married to someone's mom.

I am not saying that if the Gosselin marriage falls apart, it's all Kate's fault for being bossy. If you've even been in the grocery store in the last few weeks, you know all of the tabloid rumors about Jon Gosselin's behavior. I like to believe & hope that it's all just bad press, but even he admits that he has been making poor choices. It seems kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy; rather than discussing the dynamics of their marriage, he went out an acted like the irresponsible kid he was sometimes believed to be.

And now a lot of people watched in disappointment as a couple who used their TLC reality show to share their family and their faith with millions of viewers used the D-word. Not that one- I meant divorce. I suppose they thought, as did most of us, that as the kids got older and their lives settled in to a new normal, they would begin to make time for each other, or at least to be considerate to each other. After watching the show, this doesn't seem to be the case. Instead, they seem to have reached a point where they can't find any common ground other than wanting the best for their children (which, in my opinion, ought to include parents who demonstrate love, even when it's hard). They want different things; they seem to be headed in different directions; they aren't happy together.

Let me be completely clear here: I do not know Jon and Kate Gosselin. And I do not presume to stand in judgement of them or their marriage. I am only using the situation I see (and have seen for some time) presented on television as a picture of many marriages. I am not a counselor or anything like that. The only credentials I have are a psychology major from 8 years ago, a dysfunctional family (like everyone else) and did I mention a marriage that can look a lot like the Gosselin's? So much so that I spent a few months not long ago wondering how John & I could be happy in our marriage. Neither one of us felt that we were bringing out the best in each other- in fact, some days it was quite the opposite. Then one day, I stumbled upon this post on mycharmingkids. It struck a chord, and I quickly started reading The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

Thomas has some amazing things to say about marriage as a spiritual discipline- meaning that marriage can be one of the things in our lives that teaches us about God and makes us holy. Holy. Not necessarily happy. Of course, happiness is fleeting. Holiness, and God's love- those are eternal things worth growing into. One thing I read that struck a chord with me was about the greatest commandment. Jesus tells us to love God and love our neighbor. We are called to love even our enemies. To be persistent in our Christlike love of those around us. So how pitiful is it that we have this person in our lives that we actually chose to love- we picked them out!- and we still waiver in our ability to consistently, persistently love them?! Maybe, the author suggests, if we can learn to better love our spouse, we can grow in our love for God and the rest of His children too.

And guess what a big component of that love for our spouse was? Respect. I've also been reading For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan. Her research found that an overwhelming majority of men would rather be unloved and alone than disrespected. Reading these two books within a few weeks of each other was like God beating me over the head with a neon sign. I will (now) readily admit that I was failing to give my wonderful husband the respect he deserves. Not respect because of some archaic submission expectation, but because he is my husband. The man I love. The father of my children. An intelligent, funny, passionate, creative, hard-working Child of God (not mine).

After a long day of dealing with crabby kids, it was easy for me to be self-centered. To focus on what I wanted, to complain about something he didn't get finished for me (or even something he said-or didn't say- or the way in which he said it), or to vent my frustrations with my own failures by grumbling at him. I can't speak for Kate, but I think deep down, I feel like I am blindly fumbling through this motherhood thing. I try to get it right, and I am sometimes pretty particular about things in order to do so, but inside I am still feeling guilty about the things I got wrong. But rather than face that reality, it's easier to find someone else to blame, or at least to fuss at. I had a lot of unfair (and often unspoken) expectations for myself and for my poor husband.

That's where my favorite quote from the book (so far) comes in. On page 67, it says, "Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over- expectations or thanksgivings." My unhappiness, and I'm guessing a lot of the unhappiness in marriages all across the world, is really contempt, bread from unmet expectations. Maybe it's because of the harsh expectations I have for my household and myself as a mother/wife/homemaker/church member/friend/etc. and I wanted someone to blame for my disappointment. Maybe it's because of unrealistic expectations I place upon my husband- not just regarding the wallpaper (seriously, honey, we've lived here almost 4 years) but regarding my happiness. We expect to be able to look at our spouses and say, in classic Jerry McGuire style, "you complete me." Baloney! God alone can complete & fulfill our lives. A spouse is just a partner on the journey. When I forget that, when I expect my husband to play the role of God in my life, well, that's just really un fair!

But when I look at what my husband does bring to my life, and how God uses my spouse as one of the many ways He is teaching me and bringing me into a fulfilling relationship with Him, I am filled with wonder and gratitude. And it really does birth respect. Does that mean I don't ever fuss at the clay and grass tracked in my house after a softball game? No, I'm definitely still working on it. But I am trying. I want to see my marriage as a means to serve another person and grow in Grace. I want to be the kind of wife who helps my husband do the same.

If I had a way to talk to Jon & Kate, I'd tell them to read the book, or at least MckMama's blog post. And I'd ask them to consider the opportunity that they have to demonstrate- to each other, to their eight children, and to the millions of people watching their marriage drama unfold- real marriage as God envisioned it. A partnership to give us company, a mirror to show us the good & bad in ourselves, and a continuous exercise to help us practice loving even when it is hard. That would be one of the most miraculous, unique things TLC has ever aired.

Confessions of a bad mom: Not Me Monday!

Okay, so I've decided to join the fun and post my own Not Me! Monday just like Mckmama on her blog, my charming kids. It will be kind of like the "confessions of a bad mom" I've done in the past. Here we go:

This week, I started back to work part-time at our summer camp. We also had Little Sister's first birthday and a special event at church. Things have been hectic, but I've handled it perfectly. I cleaned up the kitchen- and no, I did not simply hide a few things in the cabinets to make the photos look a little less cluttered. It wasn't me who, in my frantic effort to straighten up my kitchen, cleaned out the fridge and (gasp) threw out a plastic storage container because of something unidentifiable in it. I would never do something so un-green... Nope, I am an earth mama. I haven't found it difficult to switch back to cloth after Little Sister's rash cleared up. Not at all. Nor did I use paper partyware (that I found on sale when I was still pregnant with my sweet darling, by the way).

Nope, I was Ralph Nader meets June Cleaver. I even made a nice cream cheese frosting for her own little cake...which I certainly didn't bake from a box. I especially didn't buy that icky chemical laden (and colorful plasticish chip filled) icing from a can for the rest of the batch.

Nope, not me. Birthday celebrations, even small ones that are just for our immediate family, are supposed to be lovingly planned and prepared for far in advance. That's why it was definitely not me who frantically sent her husband to the grocery store after receiving a phone call from her baby's teacher- asking if I would like to send cookies or cupcakes to go with the ice cream they had planned. (For the baby class?! Who knew?) And it definitely wasn't my child who was sent to school with a package of Murray butter cookies instead of cute homemade cupcakes or even the Sesame Street Letter of the Day cookies I sent DaddyClay out to find. (To be fair, why would I send cupcakes? She hadn't even had her birthday cake yet, and I doubt they really wanted to deal with the mess enough to let the little ones play in them. And don't get me started on food allergies and the numerous ingredients I probably haven't introduced to my apparently sheltered one-year-old).

Oh yeah... one more thing. Even though it saved large amounts of paper towels and clean-up time, I had nothing to do with this:

Song for Sunday: Kingdom Coming

Wow! Today at our church, 74 children were sponsored through Compassion International! I am absolutely thrilled at the response from my church family. Shaun Groves led worship and shared about the ministry of Compassion, and he sang this song. I hope the lyrics are right, I googled them.

Kingdom Coming
by Shaun Groves

Oh, God what do we see and hear
Your kingdom coming
Oh, God why do we bleed and fear
Your kingdom coming

Let it come in us
Let it come through us-

‘Til the sword is spared
And the bread is shared
‘Til the dying’s done
Let your kingdom come
‘Til the rich ones give
And the poor ones live
‘Til the weak are strong
Let your kingdom come

Oh, God what do we pray down here
Your kingdom coming
Oh, God why do we slave through tears
Your kingdom coming

Let it come in us
Let it come through us-

Oh, God what do we pray down here
Your kingdom coming

Your mercy come
Your justice come
Your will be done through us on earth
Your healing come
Your peace will come
Your will be done through us on earth

This song is available to download for free by clicking on the widget below, or by going to this site. Be sure to check out the video of Shaun sharing a little more about what it means to be a part of the kingdom of God.

John and I were fortunate to have lunch with Shaun and his manager, Ben (who was a blast from my past from college days when I worked at Camp Cedarmore) and our music minister's family. He has a great blog (or Shlog) on his website as well. Check out this post from a while back about Kingdom Coming and see the first draft. And, as always, if you want to sponsor a child through Compassion, check out the widget to the right or just click here.

Happy Birthday, Little Sister!

I know in the last post I said I'd be writing next time about expectations, frustration, gratitude and such. I'm not. Well, I suppose I am a little bit, because you expected that post but now you'll just have to deal with the frustration and be grateful that I am posting at all. Seriously, though, I do have a long, thoughtful post bouncing around in my brain, but not much of it has made it anywhere else yet. Things have been a bit hectic- not only have I started back to work this week (part-time) but I've also been gearing up for Little Sister's birthday. My little baby is one! Can you believe it?! I figured since she won't stop growing up so fast, I'd just embrace it and treat her like a big kid- starting with breakfast:

By the way, I thought this would be a good indicator as to how she would do with her birthday cake. I seriously underestimated her. Hang on, those pictures are coming.

First, we decided to celebrate by having a fun day out as a family, starting out with a visit to the zoo. Big Sister still had never been to the zoo, and since Daddy was off work it was the perfect time to go. We had a wonderful time. After we saw all of the animals, the girls rode on the carousel. Big Sister rode all by herself on a tiger that moved up & down- she was quite proud of herself. Little Sister sat in this little Panda seat on the floor. I sat right next to her because I was worried she'd try to crawl out, but she sat so still, just holding on to its leg. At one point she just looked at me and grinned, and I could tell she thought she was BIG STUFF.

After the zoo, we had lunch downtown and walked around in a few shops. I wanted to get Little Sister a towel like Big Sister has- a big thirsty hooded towel that she could use for several years. Big Sister's came from YikesTwins as a baby gift from my great aunt Teddy. I had heard that one of the shops near the river carried these towels, and I wanted to let Little Sis choose one. They are pretty expensive, but Big Sister's is so thick and thirsty and snuggly, and it has held up really well. As it turned out, we didn't find exactly what we were looking for, but we ended up in a cute boutique where they had a funky butterfly towel. At first I wasn't convinced, but when Little Sister giggled upon first sight of it, I warmed up pretty quickly. The best part? It was on sale! We snatched it up, along with a new Folkmanis butterfly finger puppet for Hannah (if you don't know why I'm mentioning that, check out the previous post. How weird that it was on display right next to the register in a store we just happened into today?) and then we headed home. Both girls were asleep before we merged onto the highway!

After naptime and some final preparations, we had our own little family birthday party, complete with Little Sister's birthday cake experience:

Is that not the best? Definitely my favorite moment of the evening! But she wasn't finished yet...

She made a MESS! After her tummy was full and the cake-squeezing glee had died down, she actually started to fuss because she didn't like being covered in cream cheese frosting and sitting in cake crumbs. Daddy carted her upstairs to the bathtub while I enlisted some help with the cleanup:

Yes, I really did let the dogs lick the high chair tray. But don't worry, I scrubbed it afterward.

Now that the mess is all cleaned up, the girls are in bed, and the cake pictures are edited and posted, I'm going to go through a few other photos. I'm going to take a few minutes to try and figure out what happened to the last year. It seems like just yesterday I was doing handstands in the YMCA pool, wearing my tent-like maternity bathing suit, trying to get that little stinker to flip. Surely it was not a year ago that Little Sister (who never did flip and came into the world breech, via c-section) made her grand entrance into our lives. I can still see her tiny, perfect face peeking out of that perfectly wrapped baby-cocoon as she laid in the incubator next to my bed. A little later, maybe tomorrow, I'll post my birthday letter for her. This year has been a whirlwind, and I want to be sure to savor the sweetness of it all- even more than my Little Sister and that cake!

Oh yeah, one more thing. I just wanted to say that if I don't get my birthday reflections posted soon, if it takes me three or four more days to get to that previously mentioned post about frustration (which, to give you a teaser, will include my thoughts on a very popular reality show premier I saw recently) please forgive me. With trying to catch up on housework after being out of town, birthday preparations, adjusting to work/camp schedules, etc. I'm worn out and may need a few days to just hang out. Kind of like this guy we saw at the zoo!

No, this was not mid-flip or anything. This guy, whom I was later told is named Bandit, pretty much laid like this, soaking up the sun, for the entire time we walked through his and neighboring exhibits. He was so still, in fact, that I asked someone if he was ok. They assured me that he was, that it was actually a good thing because he is getting older and having a hard time and isn't often found enjoying the sunshine, and I sensed in their voice the same sort of envy I was beginning to feel... Move over, Bandit!

"That won't fix the problem!"

Just a little while ago, while I was uploading the pictures for the last post, Sophie decided to have a snack. Unfortunately, she decided (once again) to munch on one of Big Sister's toys. You would think at this point there wouldn't be toys within reach of the dog, either because 1) we would all have learned our lesson and kept things off of the floor or 2) there would be no toys left after Sophie finally had her fill. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. Most days the dog is content to play with her toys, but every once in a while she feels a little cooped up, or tired, or bored, or just ornery (is that really how you spell that?!) and another toy bites the dust. Today it was a cute little butterfly finger puppet Big Sister got in a kids meal a long time ago. The worst part is that Sophie was happily munching away on the monarch right behind me and I was clueless. It was Big Sister who discovered what was going on. She said, "ew, Sophie's eatting--" and then her tone changed as she realized what it was "--MY BUTTERFLY! OOOOH SOPHIE!!!" And she burst into tears.

I felt helpless to fix the situation; there was really nothing left of the butterfly to salvage, and punishing Sophie wouldn't help (and didn't seem fair since we keep leaving these temptations out for her, anyway) so I didn't know what to do. I at least wanted to help Big Sister deal with it, so I scooped her up, held her & apologized, and then I tried to offer her a (silly) solution. "I'm frustrated too," I said. "Do you want to go into the other room and punch a couch pillow? Go grab one while I pick up the pieces." I sent her into the living room while I picked up handfuls of wings & stuffing and headed for the trash can. On my way, I could hear Big Sis crying, saying something to me that I just couldn't quite make out. As I got into the living room, I finally heard what she was saying. She stood there, holding one of my throw pillows (which, on an interesting sidenote, has also been recently chewed up by the dog) and said, "but that won't fix the problem!"

She was right. And so wise. I sat down with her on the couch and held her while she cried. I told her something she was already starting to realize- that some things can't be fixed, not even by creative mommies or strong daddies. Some things can't be replaced, even with the modern day marvel of ebay. Sometimes you just have to pause for an appropriate amount of grieving time (for a stuffed butterfly it should be relatively short) and then try to move on.

As a mom, I spend a lot of my time trying to find healthy ways to deal with or channel my frustration. But I was reminded today that being frustrated won't solve anything. Even venting frustration won't solve anything- not really. I realized that sometimes I can become so frustrated about a problem that the frustration itself becomes the problem; if I can't fix it, I at least need to find a way to deal with it. But maybe that is just an attempt at fooling myself into thinking I've fixed things. Maybe I'm just in denial about how much of life is really beyond my ability to fix. Out of my hands. Above my pay grade (as a hero of mine said not long ago). Maybe if I weren't so attached to my own expectations and abilities, not to mention my stuff, there would be less frustration in the first place. (I'll be writing more about this tomorrow, so stay tuned...)

As I held Big Sister, she asked if we could cuddle together and watch a video. When I asked if that would help her feel better, she replied, "We'll see." I like that. She wasn't expecting a miracle from our movie, but she held a hope that maybe it would cheer her up. I don't know about her, but it worked wonders for me. I think I could use a lot more almost-four-year-old wisdom.




By the way, I am still debating whether to replace the butterfly. A part of me feels that might take away from the life-lesson we learned today. But if I do replace it, or if anyone in my family is wondering what to get Big Sister for her birthday, I'm thinking about an upgrade. Isn't it cute?