Sorry I haven't blogged in a few days! I'm still working on the results of my giveaway, about which I'll be posting soon. But in the meantime, Monday was a special day in our house...
It has been seven years since my hubby & I said, "I do."
I've always heard things about the seventh year of marriage- how hard it is, how it is often a time when people break their vows with infidelity or divorce.
If the year
before one's first anniversary is the first year of marriage, then I suppose this has been our seventh year. I don't know if that's how
they* count it, but it makes sense to me.
And you know what? This has probably been one of the roughest years for us. Call it self-fulfilling prophecy, or coincidence, but the social sciences student in me says that sometimes the evidence speaks for itself. The seventh year, for people like us (and I am guessing there are many) is hard. Just look:
We have two kids now, neither one in school full-time. We're living on one (and a quarter) income. We are not close (in proximity) to our family for support. We have lived in our home just long enough for things to stop working and cost us time and money to fix, but not long enough to have finished the minor renovations we've been working on since we moved in. We have the stupidest (though dearest) pets on earth. We have very little time without responsibilities to our job, children, home, church, etc. and when we do, we have too much media all around us demanding our attention away from what actually matters.
Aaand... We both turned 30 this year. I think this one is one of the biggest factors. We've started to evaluate our lives differently- asking things like "what am I doing that is
meaningful and will make a lasting impact? How does this thing I am doing/buying/watching/whatever(!) actually matter?"
And then you realize that as a thirty-year-old with jobs and a mortgage and two kids and pets and car payments that you (and by you I mean me) are a little, well,
settled in. And on a really bad day, some might even say s
tuck.For many, the reaction to all of this is
wanting out. They think that their dissatisfaction is about
who they married or what
that person has become. They think of the things they
could have done and resent the direction their life has actually taken. They look for someone else to blame. And then they look for something new.
I know that sounds harsh- not exactly the kind of thing they put on wedding invitations or anniversary cards. But I think that people need to know this sort of thing happens more than we'd like to admit- especially in the church. Otherwise, people use movies and fairytales as a comparison. And then they think they are the only ones in the world to ever wake up one day and feel like all the sparkly-sappy-love-magic has rubbed right off, or that it is a "sign" that something else is out there, because surely there is truth to that whole "happily ever after" thing...
And there is... but it's a lot more about the "ever after" part than we make it. And it's more about frame of mind than magic sparks or good things happening.
I can only speak for myself, but after lots of heart to hearts with my husband on this matter, I'm pretty sure he feels the same. We've come to realize that in many of the moments when we are angriest with each other (and there have been many) we are really angry with ourselves. We are both the most wonderful and terrible of idealists. This means we have big dreams, and sometimes even bigger disappointments.
It has taken us seven years, and it will probably take us 70 more, but slowly we are finding ways to furiously pursue some dreams and to wait contentedly while others drift just out of reach. We are praying for patience with each other and with this stage of our lives. We are praying for courage and wisdom to obey God and have right priorities. We are trying to break bad habits. We are trying to write a meaningful story (or better, yet, to allow the Author & Perfector of our Faith to write one for us.)
It isn't about wanting out. It has become about looking in.
See, changing partners when things get tough isn't the answer. It's not even close to being the answer. It's like changing socks when your feet stink. It might feel better, or fresher, at first. But pretty soon, the stench is coming back. Because it wasn't the socks that were the problem. At least not all on their own.
And sometimes, in the seventh year of marriage, life stinks. We went from celebrating our anniversary in New York two years ago to celebrating in Olive Garden with our kids. And we
chose that because it had been more than a week since we were all together in the evening.
Life can be stressful and exhausting. And if I expect my husband to be the antidote to a crummy life, he surely will fail. And then our marriage will follow suit.
But if I expect him just to be my companion, or -even better- my chance to sacrificially love & serve someone like Christ does me (like in Sacred Marriage), we just might make it after all.
So...
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, honey.
I love you more today than ever before. Not just the cute-and -nauseating-magic- ooey-gooey kind of love, but the deeper-more-powerful-weathered-the-storms-strong kind of love. Thanks for putting up with me on those days I forget everything I've articulated above. You're all I could ever hope for in a husband and more.
*I don't really care because I don't even know who they are...
