Sisters on Parade

Today the girls got to dress up and Trick Or Treat "parade" around the church with their classmates from the Child Development Center. All of the kids wore costumes and got candy on the last school day before Halloween... but this was all just a coincidence. wink, wink.

We call it a "Fall party" or whatever and try to stay away from the spooky or overtly "evil" elements of the holiday, but we know what it really was. Not that I'm complaining! As I was just discussing with my husband tonight, there seem to be lots of Christians (especially here in the Bible belt) more concerned about decorations involving ghosts or witches than they are about the number of children dying of starvation as I type this. One every five seconds. But Halloween is seriously a much bigger deal to some people. I've seen nasty comments on The Idea Room questioning her piety because she celebrates Halloween and posts cute & creepy crafts & recipes this time of year. (Really cute- you should check them out!)

Okay, so we do Halloween. Big Sister will be Trick Or Treating this year (unless she decides to reprise her monstrous behavior from the beginning of the week) and Little Sis and I will be staying home to pass out candy. I do worry about some of the especially frightening or gruesome costumes and decorations in the neighborhood. I wish there were a way to keep the holiday a little more child friendly, but I don't think we'll be trading our neighborhood festivities in for a Trunk or Treat this year.

I once heard someone (maybe my wise hubby) say that as the Church, we are constantly trying to get people to come to our services, visit a Sunday School class, come to a community event, etc. But on the one night when the entire community is literally knocking on our doors, we turn off our porch light. Or have a "Halloween alternative" which probably at one point was a smart, original idea but is now just a place for the Christian kids to hang out with each other instead of trick or treating with the world.

Don't get me wrong, I love Fall Festivals. On Sunday, our church will have our annual Pumpkin Patch for the community, and I will enjoy every minute of it. But I just don't like the idea of everybody doing their own thing to compete with Halloween (especially on the night of Halloween) and to compete with each other. How cool would it be if area churches all came together to have one big, fun event? Or better yet, if they simply got involved with other community events like Boo At the Zoo? When I was growing up one of the Cincy malls used to have trick or treating inside, at the stores & kiosks. How cool would that be, especially if local churches provided refreshments or bags or a craft or something? It's traffic-free, weather-proof, kid-friendly and outreach-minded.*

Okay, I'm climbing down off of my soapbox. This wasn't supposed to be that kind of post. It was supposed to be the kind of post where I show you lots of cute pictures of my kids. So here they are:

I have TONS more, but I feel a little uneasy posting pics with other people's kids in them. But ALL of the kiddos looked adorable and had lots of fun. My girls didn't even come home with an overwhelming amount of junk; there were a lot of pretzels & Teddy Grahams & other not-so-bad snacks, which I appreciate.

It made the ride home (at lunch/nap time) a lot more BEAR-able.
Hahaha.


*I just found out that the mall DOES in fact have a Trick or Treat event for Halloween. Thanks Brooke! But it's only from 5-6:00 on the 31st, and I don't think it's a very big event. Maybe someday...

Owie

Little Sister's face looks like this:


Because she does things like this:


And this:


Here's the owie story: Apparently she was walking around her toddler class with a cup, pretending to drink. She tripped over a toy and banged the cup into her sweet little face.

And now, not only am I worried about my cutie and her owie (and hoping it heals with no scars), but I'm also disappointed. We were going to take our annual fall family photos this week. Because the trees look like this:

Sometimes I sit on my front porch and wonder why I get to enjoy a view like this.

I love fall.

But not falls. With cups. That hurt my baby's face.



See how I did that? Full circle. Ta-da.

No place for grace

or "How God is 'modifying' my view of Skinner & Watson"


Just a few days ago I was going through some old posts (replacing names with silly nicknames for privacy's sake, if you must know) and was struck by the fact that I could have written this post, or this one, in the last week. Big Sister is going through something again. I still don't have it quite figured out- if it is a growth spurt, an illness, maybe a response to some small change in routine, or a new milestone from her younger sister/rival for attention- that sets her off. Whatever it is, she is (once again) short-fused and stubborn and sadly, violent.

Honestly, I think only part of it truly has to do with her. I firmly believe that we bear some responsibility for the way people treat us, especially when those people are little and share our dna (or at least our home). Like I said in one of those previous posts, it is so hard to not reinforce her crazy behavior- not to let her get to me or make me lose my cool, and especially not to end up giving her the attention she seems to be so desperately seeking. I think while she has felt especially obstinate, I've felt especially frustrated and helpless. Little Sister has not been feeling well (she went from a virus last week to a runny nose and tiny cough that goes on all night long that I think are teething-related) and Big Sister has been high-maintenance even when she is in a good mood. I've been tired, behind on housework, and dealing with my ever changing hormones (since I'm finally finished with nursing).

But I'm wondering if another thing has come into play here, as well. Something that has made Big Sister think that she can just push and "get to do what she wants to do" (which is what she keeps saying when we ask her "why in the world are you behaving like this?!). I blame grace.

There have been a few times lately when Big Sister would be in trouble for some not-too-extreme misbehavior, and rather than imposing the set punishment, we tried to teach her about mercy & grace. We've been talking about doing this, to help her understand God's love on a little deeper level, for a while now. It's not just about releasing her from her punishment or giving her something she doesn't deserve- we tried to talk to her about what should have happened and how we were going to let her watch a movie anyway, because grace is getting something you don't deserve, something you haven't earned, even when you mess up.

Obviously, she didn't get it.

I mean, Big Sister is one smart cookie. But this concept is still too much for her. And I am not just saying that because she is suddenly testing limits like Sophie tests for shock-free ways to escape the backyard. The last time I offered her grace (we've only done this two or three times total, just for clarification) I asked her if she knew what it meant. She simply said, "I don't get in trouble." She might as well have said, "I get away with it, suckaz." In her four-year-old mind, grace meant nothing more than the idea that there is a chance she might not have consequences for her behavior- a chance she seems all too willing to take.

So I've been thinking about this idea, about how to be a consistent parent and still teach my child about grace. About how to provide firm, definite consequences for unacceptable behaviors in order to shape my child's behavior and motivation, while still showing her that there is something that blows all consequences out of the water. And it hit me:

Grace and Behavior Modification don't mix.

They can't.

Granted, there are some models of behavior modification, in which behaviors are addressed some of the time. With Operant Conditioning (BF Skinner) there are different intermittant reinforcement schedules including the idea of "variable ratio" reinforcement. I'm not going to get all psych major geekish on you, if you want to know what that means, click on the link. But even then, according to Skinner, you have to start out with consistency (continuous reinforcement) to establish desired behavior responses before "making it stick" with intermittent rewards.

I'm not strictly a behaviorist, by any means. But I've found when dealing with young kids & dogs (and really, what else do I do with my life?) managing behavior is mostly what its all about. Sure, we hope to instill values and empathy and instrinsic motivation, all of which will hopefully help our kids to make good choices in the long run. But really- it doesn't matter that our darling doggie Sophie likes her home and enjoys sitting with me on the couch or eating table food. When she gets the chance to run, she forgets all of that and just runs. Without thinking. Toddlers and preschoolers are not unlike dogs in this way.

Sometimes, especially when sick or hungry or tired, it seems impossible for them to stop and think. They want to bite, so they do it. Their toy won't cooperate, so they chuck it at their sister. Later, after a time-out, they can explain in detail what they should have done differently. But as for preventing the behavior, well, that explanation was not anywhere on the radar. And it takes mommy way to many words to try to remind the dear child not-to-kick-the-computer-desk-because-the-roll-out-part-that-the-keyboard-sits-on-will-get-stuck-again-and-do-you-want-to-be-able-to-play-Dora-The-Explorer-or-have-to-wait-until-Daddy-can-fix-it-later-on-tonight-plus-that-isn't-the-way-we-treat-our-things-or-express-our-anger-darling... when really "Stop & think or you'll have to have some time by yourself" or "Do you want to earn a star on your chart today?" is so much more effective.

So yeah, I'm more of a behaviorist than I ever thought I would be.

But back to where I wanted to go with this... Grace seems to be screwing up our behavior modification. Maybe because young kids are constantly figuring out new ways to misbehave and new limits to test- that really, it's always still in the beginning stages of establishing the desired behavior. And so, not being consistent (reading a bedtime story even after a horrible bathtime episode that should result in NO story, for example) is actually intermittently reinforcing that default bad behavior that has long been established (like since Adam & Eve). Our way of trying to offer grace was basically telling Big Sister, "Sometimes, you can get what you want by acting like a turkey." And she might not listen to much else I say, but she heard that loud & clear.

So what does this mean? What's wrong here? Either we're messing up in how we're portraying grace, or there is something really messed-up crazy about grace.

Or both.

Yeah, I think it is both.

For one thing, when we tried to teach Big Sister about grace, there wasn't a cost. She messed up, and we forgave her and wiped the slate clean, and even gave her something she might have wanted but did not earn. Sounds a lot like God's grace, right? I mean, we all mess up, and God forgives us and even gives us abundant, eternal life with Him, which is something we'll never deserve. But something is missing: Jesus. Grace might be free to us, but it did cost someone something. In fact, it cost Someone everything. Big Sister didn't see that part of the picture in our lame attempts at conveying such a mind-blowing concept. And that is a BIG part.

But even if we could find a way to better show her what grace looks like, I have a feeling it would still "mess things up." At least, according to how I think they should go. Because, like I said, I'm trying to shape (okay, I'll even just settle for "reign in") behavior. But I don't think grace has anything to do with behaviorism, because in a system of rewards & consequences, there is no place for grace.

I think grace deliberately flies in the face of operant conditioning. And I think God likes that just fine.

See, I believe we've all been given free will. And I think God did that so that we could 1) see how valuable and vital a relationship with Him is to us (by losing it in the fall) and 2) choose to be reunited with Him through Christ Jesus and live our lives with and for Him and His glory. So that we would ultimately come to know how truly wonderful God is and worship accordingly.

And, in my opinion, a God who wants us to seek and choose to follow Him, doesn't really want us just doing stuff to get a reward. For one reason, because we'd never be able to do enough. But for another, because... how do I put this? Well... because rats can do that. Avoiding pain, getting treats, that's not abundant life. Seeing the world through God's eyes, becoming a man or woman after God's own heart, loving what (and who) God loves, and letting your tongue speak (and your hands serve) out of the overflow of your heart- THAT is abundant life. It's relationship.

The truth is, there are lots of religious rats trying to make their way through the maze of this life. I've been one more than a few times. But the maze is simply not navigable and the rewards are confusing at best, completely misleading at worst. Some of these "rats" have the relationship, but they still think they need the cheese. They make list after list of things Christians should or shouldn't do, and consequences for each item on these lists. Some even go so far as to labeling diseases or natural disasters or family tragedies as punishment from God. Sure, God disciplines those He loves, to sharpen us and help us become more Christlike, but destruction, pain and death were results of sin, not God.

The thing about grace is, it rewrites the rules. Or rather, it reworks the consequences for breaking the rules. And it completely reformats why we seek to follow the rules in the first place. Because once you've experienced true, costly grace, you won't settle for pitiful reinforcement anymore. And you won't need to. Your motivation comes from something somewhere much deeper.

Of course, when you only know cheap, even (dare I say) imitation grace, all bets are off. It won't change your behavior, because it won't truly change your heart. Bells or buzzers, cheese or praise, will all be more effective as you try to get your behavior under control. But since pure behaviorism only conditions responses, behavior is the only thing it can control. It can't do anything to change motivations or loyalties or inclinations or passions or the desires of our hearts. Only real, extravagant, BIG grace can do that.

So where does all this leave us? And what in the world does it have to do with Big Sister?

The truth is, while I don't think any of us can truly comprehend the grace of God, I'm pretty sure it is way beyond her right now. So I'll keep up with my conditioning ways (although I promise I won't go as far as Watson with poor little Albert...) to help maintain safe and healthy behavior and restore my our sanity.

But I'm going to try to help her see that it's just not enough, and that there is SO much more beyond earning toys or doing extra chores or working to get dress-up clothes back before Halloween passes you by... ahem... That when those things fail, when we fail, God is faithful. And His grace is abundant. His wonderful, perfect, much too expensive, WAY beyond our comprehension, crazy, "messed-up" grace.

Oh yeah... and I'm going to pray for saintlike patience.

Amen.

Song for Sunday: In the middle of the night...

I'm not sure why I felt like choosing this song today. Maybe it is because Big Sister has been waking up in the wee hours of the morning nearly every night this week- I think her bladder shrunk.

Or maybe it is because we are reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller with our Sunday school class. We've been talking about how our relationship with God is supposed to be an epic story, unfolding in poetry and prose and any other artform imaginable, rather than being reduced to bullet points of belief or checklists of behaviors or step-by-step instructions to get from point A to point B. I mean, if there were simply a list or two to follow, wouldn't God have included them in the Bible?

Instead He speaks in stories and invites us to pull up a cushion, listen, learn and abide. I think that means that on this side of heaven, we'll always be searching for more, plodding along in our story, striving for more of God's goodness & glory...

Today we talked about Adam & Eve, and what it means when it says they realized they were naked. Imagine the complete security they had in their identity when they were in communion with God, and then imagine the complete void they would have felt when that was taken away- when they chose to separate themselves from God. It makes sense that we've been searching for that completeness ever since... and that's why I like this song.

River of Dreams
by Billy Joel

In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep

I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross

Even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep

I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for


In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep

I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' through the promised land

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

A few odds & ends...

I have a few completely unrelated things to post about today. Well, sort of related, since I think they are all worthwhile enough to mention on my blog. And two of them involve chances to save or win money... but really, other than that, it's all pretty random. Which, if you've ever read my blog before, should come as no surprise.

Okay, here goes...

First, Blogher is giving readers the chance to win a $200 gift card to Best Buy. All you have to do is check out the reviews of Samsung appliances shared by bloggers like MckMama here and Angie Smith of Bring the Rain here and comment on their posts. You can earn another entry by blogging about the contest (like I'm doing right now... you didn't think I was sharing this just for your benefit, did you? I mean, of course I do want you to win. Almost as much as I want to win...) For more links to read and win, check out the Blogher offer here.





Now, for the second bit of business, if you're local (or at least have a Bi-Lo grocery store in your town) and eat cereal, you might be interested in this. I ran into our Bi-Lo to get a box of hot chocolate and a gallon of apple cider to warm us up after another chilly soccer game for Big Sis. On my way to check out, I spotted a cereal deal: select Kellogg's cereal 4/$10. That's $2.50 a box, which doesn't sound all that great; it's a sale price but not really a "stock up price." But then there is a $4 automatic rebate when you actually buy 4, making it 4/$6. That's a pretty good price: $1.50 each.

But then I saw the coupon dispenser for $1.00 off Applejacks or Fruit Loops... I got one of each of those and used two coupons, giving me 4 boxes of brand name cereal for $4. If you really wanted to, I suppose you could choose Fruit Loops or Applejacks for all 4 of your boxes, use 4 coupons, and get them for $0.50 each. Now thats a stock-up price! I'll admit, I struggle with buying sugary cereal for the girls v. buying expensive organic brands. But when I can get some so cheaply, well, I guess I'm easily persuaded!





And finally, last night we headed out to "Boo at the Zoo." Actually, we headed out to a fantasy maze for the kiddos, but when we got there it was cancelled. Since our little ones were already decked out in Full Fairy Fabulousness, we had to find another destination. So, on to the zoo!

They had little carnival type booths like ring toss and temporary tattoos for $.25 tickets. They had lots of candy for prizes, and little stations with characters to find for more candy and a clue (including a scary, dead-eyed Dora the Explorer). At the end, when we solved the puzzle, we got a prize: more candy. That's ok- I'm completely prepared for next weekend now!

This isn't the best picture, but I wanted you to see Little Sis intently licking on this lollipop- still in the wrapper.

It was not the most extravagant event, but it didn't need to be. It was fun being there with lots of people from the community and seeing the animals at night (remember the raccoon from this post? He was a lot more awake this time!) including a flock of peacocks roosting right above us. (It was really dark, these are the best shots our camera could get. Sorry.)

We stayed until they started to close the place down. And then we stripped the fairies down to their tights & t-shirts. We thought this was so they could fall asleep on the way home, but it turned out to be the safest way to make an ice cream stop! I'll be scrubbing the car seats for weeks! Everyone was sticky and happily worn out when we finally got the girls ready for bed.

It was a sweet night. I was hesitant to go because it had been a horrible day- two grumpy kids had work my patience quite thin. But I'm so glad we got it together, got out of the house, and got to have some fall family time.

Happy thoughts

The first is a youtube clip my uncle shared with me. It might be old news, since it already has like 12 million hits, but I had never seen it before. And I just HAD to share it.

Like Dolly, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." And very few things make me simultaneously laugh and cry like surprise musical numbers. Seriously. I dare you to watch My Best Friends Wedding, Stepmom, Hope Floats (why is there no YouTube clip of the "Can't get next to you" scene?!), etc. with me. And eventhough I've seen it a hundred times, I still get a little goofy watching the JK wedding video, and even the Office parody.

I don't know if it is because music is my language. Or because it automatically gets people to let down their guard, be honest, even be silly. Or because I have this stirring inside when I see people using their gifts, being a part of something bigger than themselves, and leaving an impression on others- even for just a few minutes in a train station...



I realize that this video doesn't fit in the body of my blog. I have no idea why or how to remedy that, but I'm in a good mood so I don't really care. That much. Today...

Now for another bit of sunshine in my day:


I just got a Blog Award from Amber at Beyond Postpartum! I am honored to be on her list of best blogs! How cool is that?! Thanks so much for thinking of little old me & my little (not so) old blog. This made my day!

Now, I get to nominate some "best blogs" myself. I don't know where to begin and I am sure I will miss someone, but here goes...

• The idea room
• Everyday Becky
  
• Rocks in my dryer
  
• Life as we know it (parental advisory: explicit lyrics, for my more conservative mommy friends)
  
• The Brown-Eyed Pea
• Nesting Place
• It's raining in Baltimore...
  
• Kevin the Cool Guy
• Artful Worship
• Songs from the High Chair
  
• CakeWrecks
  
• Green Mamma
• Nie Nie Dialogues
  

Here are the rules for the award...
To accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link. Pass the award to approximately 15 other blogs that you have recently discovered and think are great! Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I have to be honest, I'm probably not going to contact Jen at Cake Wrecks to tell her I'm giving her this award... or the other bloggers who already have more than 200 followers and are in a whole other league. But I do LOVE these blogs and would award them if an award from me meant anything to them. I mean, it means something to me. And if you're on this list and you're reading this, I hope it means something to you. I LOVE reading your blogs!

Things I learned at story time...

I did it. I went back to story time. Or rather, we went back to storytime. But I was the reluctant one. It has been over a year since we went to Barnes and Noble on a Wednesday morning for story time. The last time... well... the last time was the stuff of mommy nightmares. I honestly can't remember every detail because I have tried to block them from my memory.

It was back when Big Sister was still having a hard time adjusting to having a sister. Somewhere after the story (appropriately, I think it was Where the Wild Things Are) and the snack, something snapped. I don't know what set her off- maybe I told her it was time to go, or maybe I said we couldn't buy one of those oh-so-conveniently-placed non-book-Disney-Princess-box-of-crap-we-don't-need that seems to suck her in. Maybe it was the half of a sugar cookie covered in sugar sprinkles and the shot glass of milk. Maybe I was paying too much attention to the drowsy baby strapped to me in the sling. Maybe she was inspired by Max in the story. Heck, maybe the story lady pinched her while I wasn't looking. I don't know. All I remember is what happened next...

She looked at me and screamed, "NO" and then responded to my "Come here" by running to the other end of the children's section. To the Thomas the Train table. She ran to where all of the cliquey mommies congregate after story time. And then she chose one, at random, and HIT her. I was just catching up to her in time to see it, toss a quick apology to the shocked moms sitting in a semi-circle around Sodor, and turn and run after her again as she made her way out of the kids section and towards the front. I was calling for her to stop, counting, threatening, even pleading. It was just a few seconds before I caught up to her and grabbed her hand.

She promptly pulled a spaghetti-legs and dropped to the ground. Nicely played, I thought. Or would have, if I wasn't so angry and embarassed that all I could think about was getting out of the store as quickly as possible. At some point I also thought about how the stroller would have been a better option; instead, after realizing dragging the child would not work, I ended up shifting tiny Little Sis onto one side and carrying Psycho child under the opposite arm, deflecting little (but painful) punches all the way to the car.

There were severe consequences, one of which was that we would not be returning to story time for a LONG time.

Fast forward to this morning: I decided we needed to get out of the house, so we headed to the mall to play in the indoor play area and ride a few of the dimestore type rides. I also had a punch card to get a free pretzel and packed extra empty sippy cups to split a smoothie. Basically, I was planning on letting them have fun, wearing them out and doing it as cheaply as possible! But then I realized it was Wednesday, and that since Barnes & Noble recently moved to the mall, we would be right there during the story-time hour...

... and we did it. We played until it was time to head into the bookstore. I was extra nervous because we had to skip the pretzel (Auntie Ann's is closed. For good. Moment of silence...) and Big Sis is, ahem... unpredictable... when she is hungry. But she was great. An angel. Best behavior. The only glitch was that she had to pee before we finished the craft. But the girls did so well that we actually stayed a little while after storytime to get our smoothie and ride the "merry-go-round."

Big sister might have learned about a witch who made a girl out of cake, but I learned a few things myself today:

1. Since moving to the mall, story time at Barnes & Noble has become quite popular.
   
2. Bugles and apple juice tend to have a more pleasant effect on my children (and, if you ask me, all of the children) than cookies. Especially right before lunch.
3. Leaving the stroller & snacks behind will help you make it to the bathroom much faster. To the sweet mommy who offered to keep an eye on our stuff so that I didn't have to repack everything & buckle in the girls just to make a trip across the store: THANK YOU!
   
4. It is possible to spend more than a few minutes in a store without my children asking me to buy them something. I'm very proud of them!
5. Someone at the bookstore might want to move the craft section a little closer to the storybook section- the early childhood educator in me is pained to see that they are still using coloring sheet art.
6. Little Sister becomes infinitely more affection towards Big Sister in the story time setting. I don't know if she was proud to be with a big kid, or just happy to know someone in the crowd, but she kept rubbing Big Sis' s back and kissing her on her head. I thought it was darling, but Big Sister was annoyed because she was trying to color! Too funny.
7. My relative agoraphobia is a slight (okay, maybe more than slight) over-reaction. If I plan well and do my best to prepare them for what's coming, there is no reason to be fear embarrassment or being shunned by the mommy-clique. Everyone has had moments of crazy children in public. A few had theirs today, and I only felt sympathy, not judgement. I need to work through my fears of going out in public alone with my two children. Especially because:
8. My girls are fabulous. Not only is it unfair for them to miss out on all the fun stuff in our cool town, but it is unfair for our town to miss out on them.

PS- I am great at having temporary revelations. Ask me next week if I went to story time. Hold me accountable!