Bad mom confession #4

Today, my children had all natural Annie's "Honey Bunnies" cereal for breakfast. Big Sister complained, because when I told her there was a bunny on the box, she expected Trix. I told her that I didn't really want to buy Trix because it wasn't as good for her as this new cereal. And that I wanted to be sure she ate good foods that would keep her healthy.

Wanna know what I had for breakfast (while no one was looking)?
A Little Debbie Nutty Bar.

Am I an awesome example or what?

Needing a little R & R...

This is what I meant when I said we are still trying to recover:


Poor Little Sister. Vacation, teething, and weekend day tripping can wear a girl out.

Oh. And carrying random stuff around (shhh! Yes, those are disposable diapers) while stepping over the self-made obstacle courses all over the house.

And reading. And figuring out how all of those darned toys work.

And feeding your big sister (I wish there were audio with this pic because you would hear her saying "Mmmmmm" while she watches Big Sister taste whatever she just handed her.)

And returning all of those important phone calls.

I mean, who wouldn't be worn out?

So that explains why she fell asleep after breakfast. I am hoping it also explains the new personality she is exhibiting- the one that hit me when I wouldn't give her my car keys, bit her sister on the boob (or chest, or breast, or whatever other awkward word Hannah decides to use today) and flung her baby dolls on the ground when they didn't cooperate.

Yes, dear friends, I am a little concerned, because as horrible as my eldest child can be from time to time, I do not remember this level of stubbornness or impatience displayed in her early toddling days. I'm really hoping this is not an indicator of things to come! I'm praying that, with some rest and the end of this round of teething, I'll see the return of this little darling.

Of course, you should have seen it before I fixed the red eye...

Take me out to the Ballgame!

(just make the ballgame a little closer...)


We had a busy Saturday. It was my mom's birthday, by the way. I had every intention of writing something about how wonderful and giving and patient she is, about how much we miss her in between visits, about how she is Big Sister's favorite person in the world, and about how much more I appreciate her now that I know first-hand the challenges of mommy-ing (especially kids as stubborn as myself). I love you mom! You were on our minds.

But we had a busy Saturday...

We went to the Braves' game with some college students from church. Our plan was to leave early and get something to eat- we were looking forward to CPK or Cheesecake Factory or something else we don't have here. But when we did stop, Big Sister had an accident in the bathroom stall and our dinner stop turned into an Old Navy shopping spree as I tried to replace an entire outfit, all the way down to the underwear and shoes. I have NO idea why we took the change of clothes out of the van, but I am blaming my husband and one of his must-clean-out-the-car-lest-anyone-realizes-we-have-messy-little-children-and-busy-lives modes.

So, $24.50 and lots of baby wipes later, we were back on the road. (Can I just chase another rabbit for a moment? The lady at Old Navy applauded me for buying a whole outfit for my four-year-old for less than $25. I do not see this as an accomplishment. When I deliberately go shopping for my kids, I usually get about four play outfits for that amount. So no, extremely over-helpful Old Navy woman, I am not "super-excited" with what I found. Especially since the sign said "all toddler girl tanks $5, but the one I picked out rang up at 9... but enough of my miserly musings, back to the trip...)

Traffic was terrible and parking/walking in with two little ones wasn't much better. When we finally sat down, it was the 5th or 6th inning. I can't be sure because I didn't really ever see the game. I think I watched a bit of the top of the ninth on the jumbotron, but that was about it. Poor hubby left shortly after our arrival to chase down a healthy dinner (hot dogs, pretzels, funnel cake and deep fried twinkies... my husband the health nut) and didn't return until after the 7th inning stretch.

After a little while, Little Sister decided she was hungry. I fed her all of the snacks in the diaper bag, but she wanted to nurse. We were sitting directly in the sun, and I didn't want her to smother under my nursing cover, so she remained extra clingy & fussy despite two jars of babyfood until I gave her some... wait for it... cotton candy. I gave my 13 month old cotton candy. Just a little bit. It was a baseball game! You have to eat junk at a baseball game or you don't get the full experience, am I right?

So, to review, Little Sister was fussy, I was trying to appease her, Daddy was standing in line, and Big Sister... well, Big Sister was having the time of her life. She loved it. As soon as we got there, she noticed what the other fans were doing and joined right in with the Tomahawk Chop (so PC, I know). She sat with three girls who went with us, counselors from my summer camp, and soaked in her first major league game.

Big Sister took the responsibilities of spectator very seriously. She clapped and cheered and tried the motions for "YMCA." She went running to the end of the row everytime something big happened, so that Miss Stephanie could lift her up for a better view. She literally stretched during the 7th inning stretch. At one point she was telling me a story, and she stopped mid-sentence to yell "Charge!" and then continued on with her tale as if nothing had just happened. I only hope she was enjoying all of these things and not just being her little worrisome, perfectionist self, studying for some imaginary Fan Test to be given at a date not yet announced.

After the game, we stayed for a few minutes of the free All American Rejects concert after the game. After she (finally) got to nurse, Little Sister found herself mesmerized by the jumbotron.

I'm hoping it was the lights & music, and that this was not a hint of the kinds of boys she will someday bring home...

And while we're on the topic of corrupting my children, here is a picture of Big Sister and the girls. No, they did not teach her to pose with gang signs. Who did? Who knows. Sometimes her intelligence, verbal ability, and keen powers of observation can have their disadvantages. (Like when she went to church the next morning & told another minister's wife that her daddy made her fall & skin her knee in the parking lot because "he would NOT SLOW DOWN!")

We only stayed for a few songs (since we only knew a few songs by this particular band, anyway) and then started the long trip home. We spent Sunday and part of today trying to recover.

I've made a promise to myself- no more day trips to Atlanta. I like the city a lot, but if I'm going all that way, I'm spending the night. AND going to Ikea. AND getting cheesecake.

Song for Sunday: Just out of reach...

It seems I'm not the only one struggling with the distance between what I'd like to be & what I really am... who God made me to be & the work in progress... I thought this was appropriate.

Reaching
by Carolyn Arends

There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach

And later on in my high school
It seemed to me a little cruel
How the right words to say always seemed to stay
Just out of reach

Well I should not have thought it strange
That growing causes growing pains
‘Cause the more we learn the more we know
We don’t know anything

But still it seems a tragic fate
Living with this quiet ache
The constant strain for what remains
Just out of reach

We are reaching for the future
We are reaching for the past
And no matter what we have we reach for more
We are desperate to discover
What is just beyond our grasp
But maybe that’s what heaven is for

There are times I can’t forget
Dressed up in my Sunday best
Trying not to squirm and to maybe learn
A bit of what the preacher preached
And later lying in the dark
I felt a stirring in my heart
And though I longed to see what could not be seen
I still believed

I guess I shouldn’t think it odd
Until we see the face of God
The yearning deep within us tells us
There’s more to come
So when we taste of the divine
It leaves us hungry every time
For one more taste of what awaits
When heaven’s gates are reached

There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach

"Sweet" babies

This afternoon I ran by camp to check on a few things, and then I stopped by the grocery store. Big Sister was at home, napping resting with Daddy on his day off.

Little Sister, however, had already taken a four hour nap in the morning, making up for the horrendous night of sleep we had last night. So I brought her along. Even though it took a lot longer to get anywhere, I enjoyed holding her hand and letting her walk as much as possible. So, when it came time to get in the cart (or buggy for you southerners) she wasn't exactly pleased. She was a good sport until the very end, and even then I found some chocolate bars on sale (the mint three musketeers are $0.39 at Bi-Lo!) for her to hold and inspect. Problem solved.

And when she fussed at being contained in her car seat, the shiny candy bars seemed to work yet again. I drove home with a content toddler crinkling wrappers, positive that I had found a new novelty without any foreseeable problems. I mean, she couldn't possibly open a candy wrapper, right?
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Wrong!



Here is a better view of just how messy this child was:


See the chocolate on her cute little fingers? Her sweet (pun intended) knees?

I'm not sure which is worse- the fact that she wasn't finished yet and cried when I pried the smooshed chocolate massacres out of her chubby little hands, or the fact that I still ate them later! (I had to open the wrappers completely and lick all of the smashed contents... not the prettiest image, huh? I mean, at least she is a cute little kid...)

But enough about that...

The trip to the store was to purchase ingredients for the summer's first batch of homemade strawberry ice cream. Big Sister helped us make it.

And yes, we are mashing the strawberries with a pastry cutter- I apparently do not own a masher...
... but it worked! The ice cream was delicious.

Almost as sweet as my girls.

Mommy (Oxy)Moron

The other day I went to the health food store to get ingredients to make my own insect repellent, because I didn't want to spray icky chemicals all over my kids when we go outside to play. Later, at a nice evening out with some fabulous moms, I joined in a discussion about BPA free bottles and cups, extended breastfeeding, and avoiding chemicals and additives in food. One of my friends has been writing recently about her experiences de-toxing her diet here.

But yesterday I also fed my kids Chikfila. And had a lunch "date" with hubby at Arby's. And I started to think about all of the things in my life that make me feel like one giant contradiction. Here, off of the top of my head, are a few components of my identity crisis:

1. As I just mentioned, I love natural and organic (or at least chemical-free) food for my kids. But Little Sister's favorite snack? Cheetos puffed corn or cheap store-brand, artificially flavored vanilla wafers. Also, Big Sister came back from vacation pretty much addicted to caramel bulls-eye candy. The girls are still using up plain old Johnson's baby shampoo in the bath (baby gift) and then lathering up in organic lotion that I found on clearance- which was a miracle! Shopping organic is EXPENSIVE. I have an internal struggle between "coupon-clipping, convenience food mommy" and "all-natural earth-mama" every time I hit the grocery store.
2. I cloth diaper at home, but the stupid laws in TN say that diapers used in day care facilities must be disposable. I've purchased the "green" kind but they REALLY hurt my grocery budget since I never even thought I'd be paying for diapers at all. So now I am back to clipping huggies coupons for the two days a week I send Little Sis to school.
3. When I am in the car alone (wonderful, though rare, occasions that they are) I listen to NPR. I love Fresh Air, Morning Edition, Prairie Home Companion, all of it. I'd like to think that I'm rather discriminating when it comes to media. Of course, I also watch(ed) Jon & Kate Plus 8 and a few episodes of The Real Housewives of New York... and sometimes I like to see what craziness they have on MTV these days... I can't believe I just admitted that.
4. I love organization and making lists. However, I am often so particular about how I'd like for things to be organized that I end up leaving them instead in organized chaos, waiting for the right opportunity to get my life together. ha.
   
5. I adore the outdoors- parks, picnics, being anywhere near the water, etc. But there are many days when my girls and I don't even go into our yard because putting on sunscreen and bug spray ...and finding shoes (seriously)... and hauling out something on which Little Sister can sit... and dragging out Big Sister's trike are all just too much to tackle (not to mention that as soon as we get out there someone needs to go to the bathroom or starts complaining about the heat).
   
6. I have a master's degree in early childhood/elementary education, yet many days I feel like I am completely winging this whole motherhood thing. I have lots of resources and information, but it doesn't necessarily mean I understand why my child has meltdowns any more than I understand why the flaming truck can't go over 40 without posing serious risk to the transmission. Oh... that reminds me...
7. I am from the Midwest, dream of living in the Northeast, and feel at home in the West. But the longer I live in the South, the more I get used to it; I've started to feel at home. And some things make me feel downright redneck! (see how I got there? I was writing about the flaming truck. the broken flaming truck, at that...)
8. I love animals. But some days I actually contemplate not looking for that darned darling dog when she jumps the fence.
9. I like to think that I am not very materialistic; I'm not one to care a whole lot about labels or expensive shoes, bags, etc. We don't buy a lot of new things for ourselves, at least, it doesn't seem like we do... but some days I look around and wonder where on earth all of this STUFF came from?!
10. I like staying at home with my children. I am blessed to be financially able to do so, even if it makes things a little tight. But some days, like when all of the stores start running specials on school supplies or when I get a Really Good Stuff catalog in the mail, I miss teaching. And other days, I like to dream about what I want to be when I grow up... And on the flip side- some days I feel guilty because I'm "wasting" potential and years of education staying home all day... what's a mommy to do?

Ten things, just off of the top of my head, that make me feel like I am living two different lives. Like I am confused (at best) or a giant hypocrite (at worst). That list doesn't even begin to cover how I feel when it comes to politics or religion (I'm too "liberal" for many Christians I know and too Christian for most real liberals I know) or my other parenting/wife insecurities (just the other day I was worried about finding a balance between raising an obedient child verses an independent, responsible free spirit... I pretty much came to the conclusion that, even though she is not quite four, I've already ruined Big Sister's chances at a normal life.) Is it any wonder that moms (and people in general) are so stressed out? In just a few minutes, I've listed several major areas in my own life where there is great tension between two extremes on any given day. And I can't be alone in this, can I?

Maybe this list just points out the discrepancies between expectations and reality, or perhaps between good intentions and follow-through. Maybe it shows what I want to believe about myself when I don't really want to look too hard at the truth. Or perhaps it just means that I think too much and am slightly schizophrenic. I honestly think it is a combination of all of these. But I think it also just serves as one more reminder of my humanity and my great need of a Savior.

I feel like the apostle Paul when he wrote about what he does in contrast to what he wants to do. I want to be a great mom, a fabulous homemaker, an attractive & interesting wife, a good steward of the earth, an educated citizen of the world, a fun friend, and most importantly, a faithful follower of Christ. But some days, I'm more like a lump (or grump) in pajama pants, wasting precious time. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

The bottom line is this: I can't perfectly achieve anything on my list, but Christ can give me strength to do anything He asks. I may not always know what to do with my time, but walking with Him will help me know what's important best. I don't always understand or like who I am, but the One who made me knows every hair on my head, every thought I entertain, and loves me. Whether I'm playing the perfect earth-mama or buying pop-tarts and fruit-by-the-foot, God loves me.

God loves you.

If that's not the best motivation for trying to be the best, yet forgiving the worst, I don't know what is...

Playing in the fountain

We had lots of fun at the park yesterday!

Okay, maybe just Big Sis & Shepherd at first...

...but Little Sis watched...

...and Shepherd encouraged...

...and soon Little Sister was having fun too.

But not as much fun as Shepherd!!!