The mommy and the fog

I'm not sure why I'm so foggy today. But I am. And I have numerous shameful events to share that will convince you of this fact.

I feel like I took way too much cold medicine. Only I haven't taken any. Unless you count the spoonful of raw honey that I'm taking every day to try a natural remedy for allergies. (I just started this week, so I'll let you know how that goes.) Or the herbal hormone balancing supplement I'm taking (to try to recover from the evil Mirena), which is called, I kid you not, Aunt Flo. I doubt she is to blame.

Maybe I should take some cold medicine. I do think some of my fog might have to do with sinuses or allergies. My nose is stuffed, my ears are plugged and my chest is rattly. But that isn't anything new.

The only other possibly contributing factor I can readily identify is lack of sleep. Last night, I tossed and turned and listened to the other three people in my house cough. A lot. Two of them through the baby monitor, and the other in the bed next to me. And then, when there was a lull in the coughing, the dog got up to get a drink or the cat decided to announce her intentions of climbing into bed by loudly scratching the side of the mattress.

It was a long night.

And I was tired. But I was okay. I felt a little scattered, like I knew that I might miss something and had to work extra hard to stay on top of things. During Mom's Morning Out, I didn't attempt to multi-task unless absolutely necessary, lest I forget something important while other children were in my care. We had a great day, but it left me even more tired when it was over.

In fact, that was when I went from "spacey" to "ridiculous."

Sometime during pick-up, while I sat at the circle and did Easter fingerplays with the MMO kids, my daughter's teacher stuck her head into our room. She told me that Big Sis had a fever of 102 and wouldn't eat her lunch. I think it took me forever to process what she was saying. We had JUST gotten over a fever. I have taken her temp so many times in the past few days! We stayed home on Sunday to be sure we were fever free for 24 hours before going back out into the world. She went to school on Monday and had a great day. We even stayed out late for the girls' spring program (I'd post pics, but they all include a lot of other people's kids...). And she was fine this morning.

So I was having a hard time wrapping my spacey brain around the idea that she was sick again. I told the teacher I could take her home with me in fifteen or twenty minutes, when MMO was finished. And then I went back to dismissing my kids.

After the last child went home, some friends asked me about going out to lunch. This is where it gets- no, where I get- stupid. I said I wasn't sure, because I gave up eating out for lent. I said we could wait until my Hubby caught up with us and see what he thought.

We discussed me taking a turkey sandwich, or eating at one of our homes, but not ONCE did I remember that I couldn't go to lunch because I had a SICK CHILD waiting on me to take her home and help her feel better. In fact, it was only after we put lunch decisions on hold and started talking about other stuff that something triggered my memory. The memory of the teacher, coming in the room, telling me something I didn't understand and didn't want to...

"HOLY COW! I can't go to lunch because Big Sister is sick and I have to go get her as soon as I get my stuff together. I'm a terrible mom." About that time, my husband had walked down to meet us and went with me to sign her out and get her home. After lunch, I took her to the doctor (ear infection and sinusitis) and then back home to put her in bed. She fell asleep nearly every time she was in the car, as well as on my shoulder in the waiting room and exam room. Poor baby was SICK.

After I got her in bed, I had another "HOLY COW" moment where I realized I had briefly forgotten something else I was supposed to do. The night before, I said I'd make dessert for a friend of ours who has had a hard past few days. Of course, I was thinking I'd come home, by myself, from Mom's Morning Out and have all afternoon to make a pie. Now I had less than an hour and had to scramble for a quicker option. I made oatmeal cookies and got them finished three minutes before I needed to leave for my next obligation of the day, teaching a voice lesson and then practicing for a duet on Easter Sunday.

I was a little spacey during that hour or so, but not as much. Maybe because singing is one thing I do that doesn't require a lot of thinking. But when I was finished, I picked up my phone to call my hubby and tell him I was coming home and to check on the girls.

Girl. Not girlS... While Big Sis went home early, Little Sis was still at school and it was my job to go get her. I wasn't late, but I was still annoyed with myself that, even for a moment, I had forgotten something else so important. Have you ever been driving, maybe on a long trip, and you start to get a little drowsy? You don't actually fall sleep, but you can't remember the last few mile marker signs? And that realization scares the poo out of you and wakes you up, at least for a while? That's how my afternoon felt.

Because I was tired. And because I had so many completely unrelated obligations that had me going in several different directions, some of which had to change because of circumstances beyond my control (fever).

I started thinking about those sad stories (we had one around here a few years ago) where a mother or father forgot their child in the car, with horrible consequences. I've always felt tremendous sympathy for these parents because I know how it feels to be scattered.

Lately, that's almost all I've felt.

I'm not usually an "everything happens for a purpose" kind of person. I think God is always in control, but that sometimes crummy things just happen because we live in a world that is in dire need of God's love and redemption. But lately, I've been wondering if there isn't some purpose to all of the sickness we've been experiencing around here. If it isn't some sort of message to me. A message to SLOW DOWN and SIMPLIFY.

I've alluded a few times to some hard times I've been having lately, but I don't want to dance around it anymore. I've been stressed out, irritable, angry, exhausted and sad. I've slept some nights for 8 & 9 hours and still needed more. I've had physical problems like headaches and back pain, weight gain and more. I go from calling it "mood swings" at its best to outright depression at its worst.

I've tried to take some steps to feel better- to get better- but it is a long road. And it's extra hard when you're already stressed and easily frustrated/discouraged. I'm having a lot more good days than I was a few months ago, but it is still rough when the bad days hit.

I'm not unloading all of this to make you all feel sorry for me. Actually, I've not talked to many people about this at all. A part of me was afraid that if people knew, they would think I was incompetent in all of the many responsibilities I have taken upon myself. I think in some small huge way, I tie my worth to usefulness, and it terrifies me to think that someone might think I'm no longer capable.

But it's time to be honest. Maybe I'm not. Not like I used to be, or would like to be. Maybe it's time for me to be useful to myself and my family. Maybe having to stay home, having to let other people cover my responsibilities at church, having to say no to things, has been a blessing in disguise.

And if I wondered about that in January, which I did, it should practically be confirmed now...

So, okay. I get it.

Can we start getting better now?