"That won't fix the problem!"

Just a little while ago, while I was uploading the pictures for the last post, Sophie decided to have a snack. Unfortunately, she decided (once again) to munch on one of Big Sister's toys. You would think at this point there wouldn't be toys within reach of the dog, either because 1) we would all have learned our lesson and kept things off of the floor or 2) there would be no toys left after Sophie finally had her fill. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. Most days the dog is content to play with her toys, but every once in a while she feels a little cooped up, or tired, or bored, or just ornery (is that really how you spell that?!) and another toy bites the dust. Today it was a cute little butterfly finger puppet Big Sister got in a kids meal a long time ago. The worst part is that Sophie was happily munching away on the monarch right behind me and I was clueless. It was Big Sister who discovered what was going on. She said, "ew, Sophie's eatting--" and then her tone changed as she realized what it was "--MY BUTTERFLY! OOOOH SOPHIE!!!" And she burst into tears.

I felt helpless to fix the situation; there was really nothing left of the butterfly to salvage, and punishing Sophie wouldn't help (and didn't seem fair since we keep leaving these temptations out for her, anyway) so I didn't know what to do. I at least wanted to help Big Sister deal with it, so I scooped her up, held her & apologized, and then I tried to offer her a (silly) solution. "I'm frustrated too," I said. "Do you want to go into the other room and punch a couch pillow? Go grab one while I pick up the pieces." I sent her into the living room while I picked up handfuls of wings & stuffing and headed for the trash can. On my way, I could hear Big Sis crying, saying something to me that I just couldn't quite make out. As I got into the living room, I finally heard what she was saying. She stood there, holding one of my throw pillows (which, on an interesting sidenote, has also been recently chewed up by the dog) and said, "but that won't fix the problem!"

She was right. And so wise. I sat down with her on the couch and held her while she cried. I told her something she was already starting to realize- that some things can't be fixed, not even by creative mommies or strong daddies. Some things can't be replaced, even with the modern day marvel of ebay. Sometimes you just have to pause for an appropriate amount of grieving time (for a stuffed butterfly it should be relatively short) and then try to move on.

As a mom, I spend a lot of my time trying to find healthy ways to deal with or channel my frustration. But I was reminded today that being frustrated won't solve anything. Even venting frustration won't solve anything- not really. I realized that sometimes I can become so frustrated about a problem that the frustration itself becomes the problem; if I can't fix it, I at least need to find a way to deal with it. But maybe that is just an attempt at fooling myself into thinking I've fixed things. Maybe I'm just in denial about how much of life is really beyond my ability to fix. Out of my hands. Above my pay grade (as a hero of mine said not long ago). Maybe if I weren't so attached to my own expectations and abilities, not to mention my stuff, there would be less frustration in the first place. (I'll be writing more about this tomorrow, so stay tuned...)

As I held Big Sister, she asked if we could cuddle together and watch a video. When I asked if that would help her feel better, she replied, "We'll see." I like that. She wasn't expecting a miracle from our movie, but she held a hope that maybe it would cheer her up. I don't know about her, but it worked wonders for me. I think I could use a lot more almost-four-year-old wisdom.




By the way, I am still debating whether to replace the butterfly. A part of me feels that might take away from the life-lesson we learned today. But if I do replace it, or if anyone in my family is wondering what to get Big Sister for her birthday, I'm thinking about an upgrade. Isn't it cute?