I have this friend...

I have a confession to make. I'm not a great friend. I'm kind of fickle.

Maybe it's the only child in me. Or maybe it's because, even when I was younger, I've always had a hard time figuring out exactly who I am or what crowd suits me. I remember having really good friends come & go all throughout elementary school, depending on the teacher I had or the amount of time we spent together in after school activities.

In middle school, I found a group I hung with pretty much through all three years. But it was middle school, the era of insecurity and backstabbing, which meant most of them weren't really friends with me, or each other, anyway. Still we spent a lot of time together and it felt like devastation when we went our separate ways to different high schools. We promised to stay best friends and even went to a Michael W. Smith concert where we bawled/sang "Friends are friends forever..."

I probably saw most of those people less than three times after that. All that time & energy invested in getting to know someone and letting them know you seemed like a waste. In high school I found some fabulous friends at school. They were creative and smart and fun to be around. Our "clique" changed a little from year to year, but most of us were the same. But I was also getting very active in my church and spending most of my time there, so I was sometimes more of a fringe member. After graduation, we made a few attempts to stay in touch, but eventually lost track of each other.

Even college, where I lived and ate and cried and studied and grew so much, was a lot of the same experience. Camp staff, grad school, co-workers at my first school- all the same story. The only thing that has reconnected me to any of these people has been Facebook. And I truly am glad that it did.

I am terrible at keeping up with people after too much time has passed. I worry that it might feel awkward, or it will be too much work, or that they've moved on and I'm old news, or that I've changed too much and we don't have anything in common anymore. I'm not good with awkward. I'm not good with insecurity or rejection or failure. So all to often, I've walked away. I would think about my old friends, talk about them with my husband, reminisce about wonderful times, but I wouldn't pick up the phone or type an e-mail.

Well, I have this one friend. And this friend is involved in a lot of tension. It's not him really, it's the people all around him. They pull him in one direction or the other, staking claim and making assertions, fighting amongst each other. They say terrible things about each other. They spread lies and draw battle lines. Remember what I said about middle school?! While not everyone is this way, it can sure feel like it when you're in the middle of it all. And, to be honest, I don't want to be in the middle. I don't want to pick a side, or defend myself all the time. It is exhausting.

So lately, I've tried to keep my distance. At first, I didn't even notice I was doing it. I mean, I still thought about this friend and kept up with him through other people. I went places where they all might be, and fooled myself into thinking I was still being a good friend. But I was disengaged. Distant.

I've been so busy lately, I hadn't slowed down and taken the time to think about it. But the other night, at church, we had a prayer service. There were people singing hymns in the lobby, but other than the sweet echoes of their songs, the sanctuary was quiet. No distractions. Time to think and reflect. I was only a few feet in the door when I looked up and into the eyes of my friend.

It was a strange feeling. Guilt mixed with relief. Familiarity and a longing to catch up that I hadn't even known I had. I've felt these feelings before when running into an old friend. But this time it was different.

This was the friend...











I can not describe to you the feeling I had when I watched the video montage from the life of Christ and the Passion. (and yes, I know this is just Jim Caviezel, but still...) I didn't even know I had been missing Christ. And that phrase, missing Christ, can mean so many different things.

I didn't realize He was missing from my life- at least missing from the prominent relationship He ought to have.

I didn't realize all of those times I had been at the church, had been singing songs, teaching kids, leading my girls in their bedtime prayers, that I was missing the point. Somewhere along the way I had started to shut Him out because the tension among His people was more than I could bear.

But most importantly, I didn't realize that I was truly missing Him- my heart had been longing for something (Someone) absent and I didn't see it for all of the other sadness and darkness I had been muddling through. It makes more sense now- how can I dispel the darkness when I've distanced myself from the light.

Remember how I said at the beginning that I'm always trying to figure out who I am? It's because I feel so contradictory sometimes. Like, I can be terribly stubborn, but I am also very easily discouraged- I give up quickly. I have high hopes and believe the best, but I don't react very well when those hopes are crushed or people are at their worst. It is devastating to me. When Christians speak with venom about other people (church members, people groups, political officials, whatever) I want to scream for them to stop. And when they don't, I want to run & hide.

Unfortunately, hiding from them has led me to hide from Him. Putting up walls to protect myself from the frustrations found in the imperfect Church has blocked me off completely from the Head of the Church. I let imperfect people cloud my view of my "friend." Only He is much more than a friend. He is the Savior, the One whose resurrection we celebrate this week. He is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, eternal, omnipotent, God and man, gracious and just. No man could represent Him, and it is unfair (to all parties involved) for me expect anyone to do so.

I'll be honest. The walls are just beginning to come down. I still don't really want to head out on a Women's Retreat or join a Bible Study, although I probably will. It's not because of my specific church. It's a good church, as churches go. This goes far beyond one church or even one denomination. There are things I'm still dealing with, things I wrote about here and here, for example, that make me feel like I can't just focus on Jesus in many places where He should be the only thing on which to focus. I can't just read the scripture; I have to pick a side. Or I have to filter through other peoples' baggage to find the Christ I know.

Or, as was most recently the case, I have to filter through my own baggage to find the Christ I've been missing.

I'm not writing this to be cheesy. And it's not written as an invitation for you to "come to the cross," although I do wish everyone could feel that relief I felt when I looked up and realized that those eyes- and His arms- would always be home. Even if I didn't realize I was feeling homesick, or even that I had wandered away at all.

I may be fickle, but He is true. My patience and hope might be easily dashed, but His love is unconditional. My friendships may be fading, but He is a much better friend than I can imagine.




And now, if this post was too deep for your liking, I offer this:

Egg (and bargain) hunting

(This probably won't actually get posted until Tuesday, because Blogger was having some issues uploading pictures.)

We're good hunters, my girls and I.

They found lots of eggs this Saturday at our church Easter Egg hunt.


I'll be honest, I didn't see them find any. I was about ten minutes behind them because we were running late. I sent my hubby ahead with the girls so they wouldn't miss the beginning of things. When I got there, I had not only missed the beginning. I had missed pretty much everything.


But what I didn't miss was my big girl being sweet, selfless & generous. When a friend of ours and her twin boys arrived late, Big Sister let Daddy take eggs out of her stash to rehide. She watched happily as they hunted for & found her eggs. And she never once even mentioned that they had, in fact, been her eggs. We could not have been prouder.

After the egg hunt, we went to see the Easter Bunny. This time (unlike the Santa Photos) we did not purchase the pictures that showed Little Sister with tears streaming down her horrified face. The girl taking the photos did a great job of distracting her (see the pink egg she gave her to hold?) and we finally caught a semi-happy face.


Next, Big Sis and I went to a birthday party for a boy in her Sunday School class. It was at Pump-It-Up, so she had a blast. Unfortunately, I forgot the camera.

Pump-It-Up was the first of three birthday parties to which we were invited this weekend. The next one was at The Little Gym. Little Sister went too. For the first half of the party, she just stood there, silently taking it all in. But then she wanted to try what the big kids were doing, even though she was a little scared and barely able to keep up. Every time they lined up, she did too. And the only thing she said the whole time was, "I wan' sit by [Big Sis]"


She was very brave and even rolled on this crazy thing three times!


The final party was a princess party after church yesterday. Since I did Pump It Up, I sent Daddy to that one, so no pics.

But back to the theme: hunting. While my girls are becoming good at hunting for Easter eggs, I am becoming addicted to bargain hunting.

I'd gotten a little lazy with my coupons lately. And we were eating out a lot. But I'm back. Not only did I find some great deals for birthday gifts, (I was really worried thinking about where in the budget we'd find funds for three parties!) but I also have been using my coupons again. I got great deals last week on diapers (we still use cloth, but the girls' school does not) and Easter candy at CVS. And today... well today I had my first real taste of Walgreens' register rewards.

For $20 I got: toilet paper, vitamins, two new toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, intensive therapy conditioner, two bottles of a fiber supplement, a few pieces of Easter candy, and 5 twelve packs of coke. 5! And even better, I still have $4 in Register Rewards to use next time, so really I only spent $16.

I'm feeling good about saving money. I'm checking a few money saving blogs, clipping my coupons, and pinching my pennies. I'm on the hunt.

What are you hunting these days?

Song for Sunday: Clumsy

By Chris Rice

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for thirty years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reachin’ out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a boy supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down (again)
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy

You’re still makin’ me holy

Music to my ears

Here are some of the little things I'm hearing (and mostly loving) around our house:

• "Ew. Skeeky." ~Little Sister when you're changing her diaper. Or when she is pretending to change a doll, which is pretty much all day long.

• "Well. I guess I learned my lesson." ~Big Sister right before she burst into tears and showed her daddy her bloody mouth, which was right after she tried to ride the dog like a horse. (She's fine, or we wouldn't be admitting that we found it mildly wildly amusing.)
  


• "MMM! Dat smews dood!" ~Little Sis in the kitchen before eating.


• "Dat is reawy hot!" ~Little Sis as her food is being served.


• "No, I doh' wike noodles." ~Little Sis during dinner.


• "Those are my new shoes, I doubt." or "Dad will be home soon, I doubt." ~Big Sis trying really hard to use a new phrase, but failing. To her credit, she now understands and says things like this: "Ummm... my scissors are upstairs, I doubt. I mean, I believe."


• "She's so TOOT! (cute)" ~Little Sister about almost anything: the cat, the dogs, princess dolls, even me (Mommy, you're so TOOT!). Usually this is accompanied by a lot of squeezing, Elmira on Tiny Toons style.


• "I want to watch Lost Treasure." ~ If Big Sister had her choice, she would watch this Tinkerbell movie 24/7.


• "Have you seen my new facebook status?" ~DaddyClay. He's getting out of control.


• "OH, Mommy! You did it! Dood job!" ~Little Sis, ever the encourager.


• "It's a gloomy day. That's why I'm so gloomy!" ~Big Sister, explaining why she kicked her sister's carseat and then threw a glass of water in the kitchen. The weather is making me feel like a grump, too, kiddo, but that's taking it a little far.


• Lots of adorable, now full length, toddler songs. Our favorites are the ABCs and Jesus Loves Me.


• Lots of stories as Big Sister makes adorable drawings and then narrates them. This one is about the two of us sitting at a table by Cinderella's castle, watching fireworks under the moon & the stars.
  

• Little Sister calling her Big Sister by her first and last name.


• Laughter. Lots of it. Love it. It really is the best medicine.
  

Deal Alert!

I just came from picking up my pre-ordered Toy Story bargains at Toys R Us and I found something even more amazing.

All Dvds in the store (except the Toy Story ones, but they're a great bargain if you have the DMR coupons, anyway) are B1G1. Some of the movies are combo deals where you get an instant $5 or 6 credit for buying them together. When you check out, BOTH deals go through!

I just bought Minnie's Bowtique and Little Einsteins Animal Expedition, both priced at 14.99 each, for $5.49 total. Seriously. The Little Einstein had a hidden 25% off I didn't know about, and then there was a $6 instant rebate, and the Minnie Dvd was free.

I feel like one awesome bargain finding momma. I needed this today!

New blogs to share

I have found a few new blogs I wanted to share with you.

Two of them are completely about being able to afford trips to Disney! Since we returned from Florida a few weeks ago (check out our trip starting here), I can't stop planning our next trip. The girls all get excited just seeing the castle at the beginning of any disney movie we watch, and I get teary-eyed. And heaven forbid we see an actual commercial for the parks!

We said it wouldn't be for a few more years, but the ladies at Couponing to Disney and Affording the Mou$e make me feel like maybe it's possible to go back sooner. Not only do they offer good general saving tips, they also share great finds on Disney merchandise, promotions on Disney vacations and more. I wish I had found them a few months ago!

The other new blog I found, through a post at one of the previous, is Give Me Neither. It's also about spending less and saving more, but it's more than that. It's about living simply.

So, what are you waiting for? Check them out!

The mommy and the fog

I'm not sure why I'm so foggy today. But I am. And I have numerous shameful events to share that will convince you of this fact.

I feel like I took way too much cold medicine. Only I haven't taken any. Unless you count the spoonful of raw honey that I'm taking every day to try a natural remedy for allergies. (I just started this week, so I'll let you know how that goes.) Or the herbal hormone balancing supplement I'm taking (to try to recover from the evil Mirena), which is called, I kid you not, Aunt Flo. I doubt she is to blame.

Maybe I should take some cold medicine. I do think some of my fog might have to do with sinuses or allergies. My nose is stuffed, my ears are plugged and my chest is rattly. But that isn't anything new.

The only other possibly contributing factor I can readily identify is lack of sleep. Last night, I tossed and turned and listened to the other three people in my house cough. A lot. Two of them through the baby monitor, and the other in the bed next to me. And then, when there was a lull in the coughing, the dog got up to get a drink or the cat decided to announce her intentions of climbing into bed by loudly scratching the side of the mattress.

It was a long night.

And I was tired. But I was okay. I felt a little scattered, like I knew that I might miss something and had to work extra hard to stay on top of things. During Mom's Morning Out, I didn't attempt to multi-task unless absolutely necessary, lest I forget something important while other children were in my care. We had a great day, but it left me even more tired when it was over.

In fact, that was when I went from "spacey" to "ridiculous."

Sometime during pick-up, while I sat at the circle and did Easter fingerplays with the MMO kids, my daughter's teacher stuck her head into our room. She told me that Big Sis had a fever of 102 and wouldn't eat her lunch. I think it took me forever to process what she was saying. We had JUST gotten over a fever. I have taken her temp so many times in the past few days! We stayed home on Sunday to be sure we were fever free for 24 hours before going back out into the world. She went to school on Monday and had a great day. We even stayed out late for the girls' spring program (I'd post pics, but they all include a lot of other people's kids...). And she was fine this morning.

So I was having a hard time wrapping my spacey brain around the idea that she was sick again. I told the teacher I could take her home with me in fifteen or twenty minutes, when MMO was finished. And then I went back to dismissing my kids.

After the last child went home, some friends asked me about going out to lunch. This is where it gets- no, where I get- stupid. I said I wasn't sure, because I gave up eating out for lent. I said we could wait until my Hubby caught up with us and see what he thought.

We discussed me taking a turkey sandwich, or eating at one of our homes, but not ONCE did I remember that I couldn't go to lunch because I had a SICK CHILD waiting on me to take her home and help her feel better. In fact, it was only after we put lunch decisions on hold and started talking about other stuff that something triggered my memory. The memory of the teacher, coming in the room, telling me something I didn't understand and didn't want to...

"HOLY COW! I can't go to lunch because Big Sister is sick and I have to go get her as soon as I get my stuff together. I'm a terrible mom." About that time, my husband had walked down to meet us and went with me to sign her out and get her home. After lunch, I took her to the doctor (ear infection and sinusitis) and then back home to put her in bed. She fell asleep nearly every time she was in the car, as well as on my shoulder in the waiting room and exam room. Poor baby was SICK.

After I got her in bed, I had another "HOLY COW" moment where I realized I had briefly forgotten something else I was supposed to do. The night before, I said I'd make dessert for a friend of ours who has had a hard past few days. Of course, I was thinking I'd come home, by myself, from Mom's Morning Out and have all afternoon to make a pie. Now I had less than an hour and had to scramble for a quicker option. I made oatmeal cookies and got them finished three minutes before I needed to leave for my next obligation of the day, teaching a voice lesson and then practicing for a duet on Easter Sunday.

I was a little spacey during that hour or so, but not as much. Maybe because singing is one thing I do that doesn't require a lot of thinking. But when I was finished, I picked up my phone to call my hubby and tell him I was coming home and to check on the girls.

Girl. Not girlS... While Big Sis went home early, Little Sis was still at school and it was my job to go get her. I wasn't late, but I was still annoyed with myself that, even for a moment, I had forgotten something else so important. Have you ever been driving, maybe on a long trip, and you start to get a little drowsy? You don't actually fall sleep, but you can't remember the last few mile marker signs? And that realization scares the poo out of you and wakes you up, at least for a while? That's how my afternoon felt.

Because I was tired. And because I had so many completely unrelated obligations that had me going in several different directions, some of which had to change because of circumstances beyond my control (fever).

I started thinking about those sad stories (we had one around here a few years ago) where a mother or father forgot their child in the car, with horrible consequences. I've always felt tremendous sympathy for these parents because I know how it feels to be scattered.

Lately, that's almost all I've felt.

I'm not usually an "everything happens for a purpose" kind of person. I think God is always in control, but that sometimes crummy things just happen because we live in a world that is in dire need of God's love and redemption. But lately, I've been wondering if there isn't some purpose to all of the sickness we've been experiencing around here. If it isn't some sort of message to me. A message to SLOW DOWN and SIMPLIFY.

I've alluded a few times to some hard times I've been having lately, but I don't want to dance around it anymore. I've been stressed out, irritable, angry, exhausted and sad. I've slept some nights for 8 & 9 hours and still needed more. I've had physical problems like headaches and back pain, weight gain and more. I go from calling it "mood swings" at its best to outright depression at its worst.

I've tried to take some steps to feel better- to get better- but it is a long road. And it's extra hard when you're already stressed and easily frustrated/discouraged. I'm having a lot more good days than I was a few months ago, but it is still rough when the bad days hit.

I'm not unloading all of this to make you all feel sorry for me. Actually, I've not talked to many people about this at all. A part of me was afraid that if people knew, they would think I was incompetent in all of the many responsibilities I have taken upon myself. I think in some small huge way, I tie my worth to usefulness, and it terrifies me to think that someone might think I'm no longer capable.

But it's time to be honest. Maybe I'm not. Not like I used to be, or would like to be. Maybe it's time for me to be useful to myself and my family. Maybe having to stay home, having to let other people cover my responsibilities at church, having to say no to things, has been a blessing in disguise.

And if I wondered about that in January, which I did, it should practically be confirmed now...

So, okay. I get it.

Can we start getting better now?

Song for Sunday: Love, I try to follow

Ain’t No Reason
Brett Dennen

There ain’t no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way,
We do it everyday.

Preachers on the podium speaking to saints
Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing
You can spend you whole life working for something,
Just to have it taken away

People walk around pushing back their debts
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
Talking 'bout nothing, not thinking 'bout death
Every little heartbeat, every little breath

People walk a tight rope on a razor’s edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb, or a bullet, or a pen
Or a thought, or a word, or a sentence

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things that I say,
But I say them anyway

But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set my free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep building bombs, gonna drop them all

Working your fingers bare to the bone
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul
Like a lung that's filled with coal, suffocating slow

The wind blows wild and I may move
But politicians lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit, to argue the truth

The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and commotion wherever I go
Love, I try to follow

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set my free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way,
We do it everyday.

Book Review: Kaleidoscope by Patsy Clairmont

The subtitle of this book is "Seeing God's Wit and Wisdom in a Whole New Light." It is a collection of Clairmont's insight into a variety of verses in the book of Proverbs. At the end of each short chapter are some questions for reflection and personalization ("Bits and Pieces") and a list of additional scripture verses ("Held to the Light"). These creative names are just one example of how the kaleidoscope imagery continues throughout the book. Clairmont approaches the proverbs somewhat randomly, or as she puts it, "in a hither-and-yon way, rather than numerically, staying with the kaleidoscopic design of spin and view.

As a devotional reading or topical resource, this is an excellent book. When I sat down to read large chunks at a time, however, I was distracted by the format. This was compounded by the fact that the reflection questions are incredibly open-ended and vague. I think Clairmont did this intentionally so the reader can discern for herself what applications the verse might have in her life. I had a hard time focusing. Sometimes I moved on to the next question, thinking it might help me further reflect. But the next question might be completely unrelated, starting a whole new line of thought. Even in the chapters themselves, Clairmont often jumps around quickly; sometimes it reads like a hyperactive (though sweet, funny and insightful) stream of consciousness.

Aside from the disjointed format, there are great nuggets of truth, wisdom and wit in this book. There's a reason that Patsy Clairmont is a popular speaker and author! I'm going to reread some chapters again, one at a time, to consider her insight a bit more. Maybe that's why I felt the book to be jumbled and lacking cohesion- there was just too much to grasp in a few sittings!



Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

The black ballerinas

This post was originally going to be a few lines of witty observation, based on the picture below. But as I wrote, it turned into an essay about race and parenting. As it was not my original intention and a little "off the cuff" I welcome your feedback (I always do, anyway!)


When I saw Big Sister's coloring page from dance the other day, I had all kinds of thoughts. First, I thought that she colored very well. I know I'm slightly biased, but I don't think most 4 1/2-year-olds stay in the lines like this.

And, she is at least thinking about diversity. Not every ballerina looks exactly the same, or exactly like her. I appreciate that she included some African American dancers.

However, every single girl, regardless of race, has yellow-blonde hair. Which strikes me as odd not just for obvious reasons, but also because Big Sis herself has hair that is more brown than blonde. And neither of her favorite princesses, Jasmine & Ariel, have blonde hair. Even her favorite fairy of Pixie Hollow is not fair-haired Tink but Silvermist, whose long locks are jet black.

I am also a little concerned that the white (yellow?) dancers and black dancers seem to have different uniforms. But I was trying not to read too much into this. Big Sis has a pink leotard and a black one, and loves them both, so surely she just wanted them represented here. Right?

Lastly, after taking a long look at the dancer demonstrating 4th position, I think we need to have a long discussion about people with mixed-ethnicity. Ha!



Of course, you might think I'm reading too much into this, mostly for the sake of our entertainment. But isn't that what we do when it comes to kids and race (or any other obvious physical difference?) It's easy to get concerned or embarrassed when they notice (and God-forbid they say something out loud). Instead of embracing opportunities to talk about diversity, we tell kids it's "not nice to talk about those sorts of things" or that "we're all the same."

Well, neither one of those things is entirely true or fair to tell kids who are learning about their world with assimilation and accommodation. Watered down, these terms from Piaget basically mean that kids are trying to see how new information fits into their limited understanding of the world or adjust their worlds to include the new information.

People with noticeable differences from us, whether it be race or size or hair color or a disability or whatever, offer new information to a young child. Sometimes it can be very nice, and healthy, to discuss what makes someone special. Much nicer than pretending they don't exist, or whispering about their differences, or leaving kids to figure it out from people who have no problem being vocal about their... ahem... "opinions".

I remember a long time ago, when Big Sister first came home from school unhappy. She had three teachers, and one was more firm with her than others. She didn't know how to express this, and instead she told me she didn't like her teacher because she had "brown skin." Hubby wanted to know "Where this was coming from!?" but I knew that kids sometimes come up with these things without any help- and it's whether or not we reinforce them that matters. We had to talk about it.

So we did. And in part of the conversation we basically listed everyone we knew, those she liked and those she didn't. And we talked about their skin color, and how it had nothing to do with what makes a person likeable. It was a little awkward, but absolutely necessary. I also cautioned her that people don't often like to talk about these things, and that talking about it in certain circumstances could be very hurtful to someone, even if that is never her intent. But I also want to be sure that she can talk about anything with us.

I should also note that in the time since then, she has declared her intentions of marrying only two people: one was a worker in the school cafeteria, another her best friend at school. Both are African American. So much for not liking people with different skin- thank goodness!

It is my hope that in the not-so-distant future, we'll be a family who welcomes- and maybe even adopts- foster children. I do not expect those children to always look like us, and I want my children to understand this: While race is a valuable part of who they are, it is not a part that makes them any more or less precious (to God or to us) than anyone else.

It's amazing the things we may communicate about race without even thinking. For example, until recently, all my girls had were white dolls. I didn't really think about it, but thank goodness for Princess Tiana and a precious rag doll named Baby Michael (thanks P & N!). Now if only we could track down that Mulan doll, we'll start being really multi-cultural around here. ;)

When I asked Big Sister about the ballerina picture, I found out I wasn't really over-thinking it at all. She told me they were "on different teams." Why? Because "black people have different music." WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU HEAR THAT?! (I'm imagining a crotchety older relative or a redneck classmate, and I'm fuming...) But no, she heard it from her friend, the only little black girl in her class.

Thus began another conversation.

So yeah, I may over-analyze the racial makeup of a group of illustrated ballerinas. For one thing, it can offer a little entertainment. But for another, it can also offer an opportunity to talk about something very important. It can provide some insight into what I'm teaching my child about God's children all around her. And into what other people are telling her when I'm not around.

What do you think?

Applejacks, please!

As I sat in the living room watching Daddy & Big Sis race cows on the Wii, I heard a strange crinkling noise. I realized Little Sister was no longer standing with them. She had, in fact, laid down her pretend controller, wandered into the kitchen, climbed into my chair, sipped spilled my half-filled cup of water, and helped herself to a little cereal.









What do you do at a moment like this (besides grab the camera)?

I told her to ask next time so Mommy or Daddy could help her.

I kept the dogs away.

I tried to sneak handfuls of cereal off of the table and into some Gladware.

And I let her eat Applejacks to her heart's content.

She works hard for the money (saving)

Tonight I am working my first of two shifts at the Jack and Jill children's consignment sale. In exchange for working 6 hours at the sale and helping to sort at the end, I got to shop early on Friday. At the fall sale, this helped me get a few big items like furniture for our playroom and toys for the Mom's Morning Out program.

This time, I didn't need anything big (except I tried to grab a Smart Cycle for my friend- I made a beeline for them as soon as I made it through the door but they were gone before I got there). Instead, I spent most of my time searching for the best deals in clothes for my girls.

Little Sister didn't really need anything except for an Easter dress. She has an overabundance of hand-me-downs from her big sister. But Big Sis had almost nothing, save a few beautiful dresses from some sweet bigger girls at church and a few 4Ts from last year that still fit. She is also at that age where she is no longer coming home covered in lunch or paint, graduating from wearing roughed-up play clothes to preschool. In fact, in August my big girl will turn five and start Kindergarten! She deserved some special "new" clothes.

So here is what I bought for Big Sis:

• 3 church dresses (and 1 cute linen capri outfit with a matching hat)
• 3 casual sundresses
• 11 shorts/pants & top sets (including a couple from gymboree- cute!)
• 4 pairs of shorts (2 knit, 1 denim, 1 khaki)
• 2 ribbed tank tops
• 1 t-shirt with a fairy on it
• 3 pairs of shoes (white dress, white sandals, brown sandals)
• A lightweight rain jacket
  

And for Little Sis:

• A sweet smocked Easter dress
• 2 other dresses (Laura Ashley and baby Gap. She needed neither but they are the cutest dresses I've ever seen.)
• A linen capri outfit with a hat
• A cute little Carter's floral sundress/bubble for $1.

I also bought three nicer dress-up dresses (Tinkerbell and her friend Rosetta, and an Ariel dress with a tail.) We have a lot of dress up clothes, but I thought I'd grab them since Big Sis is obsessed with fairies, and one will probably end up being her Halloween costume. All of them together were just $12.

Finally, I found two Disney play cell phones. Big Sis wanted a Tinkerbell one from a shop at DisneyWorld. There they were $6.95. I got both the Tink phone and an Ariel phone for little sister for $1.

The grand total for this huge shopping trip?

$118.

I'm pretty proud of myself!

TWO weeks ago today: Bradenton

Before we began the Disney part of our Florida trip, we spent some time with my Auntie Ann in Bradenton. We had a wonderful visit with her and met her new guy, "Mr. Ray." (That's what my girls called him anyway- and boy, did he charm them! Although I think the feeling might have been mutual!)

Ann took great care of us. She gave the girls Disney Princess dolls for bathtime- you can see them in some of the pictures below. She has a beautiful home perfect for company, and she fed us very well! In fact, when we left, she sent so many groceries with us that we didn't need to buy anything but milk when we got to our condo in Orlando. Sunday morning she made the girls her famous Mickey Mouse pancakes (okay, Daddy & I ate one too). I took a picture of them, but it must have been with my mom's camera. I'll share one of these days...

After breakfast, we all loaded up and drove about fifteen minutes to the beach.

Even though it was cooler than normal in Florida, sometimes you just have to get some sand between your toes.

Big Sister even wanted to get her toes wet.

She ended up with wet pants, but never complained about being cold. Or about her Elton John sunglasses. On the way home from the beach I bought her some Jasmine shades at CVS. She wore them to Epcot and no one has seen them since. But these purple & pink beauties have been around for years. We can't even lose them on purpose...

Little Sister enjoyed finding shells

And then throwing them. Since it was so windy, this was just a little dangerous.

But cute.

It was nice to just listen to the waves and the gulls and watch my girls enjoying themselves.

The beach is the best therapy I know. Just looking at these pictures makes me happy and relaxed.

If only it were closer.

Song for Sunday: Alright already

Last night was like a cruel joke. Little Sister woke up coughing & snotting as her canine teeth (that have been bulging for 9 months or more) decided it was finally time to poke through her poor little gums. Big Sister (after fairy-flying at warp speed all day long) had a charley horse in her calf muscle that kept her up half the night. That meant we were up too, even though Hubs didn't come to bed until 2:30. Or was it 3:30? Dumb Daylight Savings Time.

I've been thinking about this song for a while, even if last night wasn't a super example of a time when things just have to get better. A year's worth of hormone problems from my Mirena IUD (google "mirena side effects"- that junk is crazy) had left me frustrated, angry and depressed, tired and unmotivated almost all of the time, along with some physical side effects too. Just about a month ago, I finally called my midwife to have the beast removed.

I was hoping to immediately feel better, but when you're dealing with hormones medicine toxins in your system, it can take a while to recover. I do have more patience, and a little more energy, but I've been disappointed that I didn't feel like my old self overnight. A part of me is screaming, "Alright Already!" but I also have to remind myself that good things have to be around the corner. Because I have a God who knows and loves me and has plans for me and my wonderful family. And because, sooner or later, we'll all float on.

Float On
by Modest Mouse

I backed my car into a cop car, the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's ok.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say.
Well you just laughed it off, it was all ok.

And we'll all float on, ok.
And we'll all float on, ok.
And we'll all float on, ok.
And we'll all float on any way, well.

A fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand.
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we'll float on good news is on the way.

And we'll all float on, ok.
And we'll all float on, ok.
And we'll all float on, ok.
And we'll all float on, alright.
Already we'll all float on.
No, don't you worry, we'll all float on.
Alright, already, we'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry, we'll all float on.

Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.

Alright already we'll all float on.
(Alright)
Don't you worry we'll all float on.
(Alright)

All float on....

A Series of Events (Disney version)

These are the other pictures from Storytime with Belle from yesterday's post. No more words are needed...

(Okay- maybe a few more words: As the last picture finished uploading, Little Sis walked in, looked over my shoulder and proudly exclaimed, "I EAT I-CEAM!")

A week ago today: Magic Kingdom part II

We did not do the "Parkhopper" option so we had to pick just one park to revisit on our last day.

After missing an entire section of Animal Kingdom on Thursday, I thought we'd be heading back there. But Daddy also thought we could find a lot that we hadn't already seen at Magic Kingdom. We asked Big Sis what she wanted to do, and all she could talk about was the Peter Pan ride. (Seriously? That black light gem that seems to be the same since forever? Okay, sweetie...)

We were afraid Fridays might be busy at Magic Kingdom, but according to a few websites that ought to know, it isn't so bad. And it really wasn't. In fact, we got there a little later than last time and still parked in the exact same row. And it was so "unbusy" that they weren't running the monorail in. We all boarded the ferry like a herd of cattle, but it was kind of fun to take a different approach.

We missed the opening show, but still had a little magic in our entrance. Daddy chuckled and noted that other children were walking in, excited about everything they'd see inside the gates, while ours were excited to pick Mickey shaped confetti up off of the ground.

I don't know though, Little Sister was pretty excited to return to Fantasyland.

We rode the carousel again, since both girls enjoyed that a lot last time.

Dumbo's line was already a little too long, so we thought we'd come back. I also asked a Cast Member about which fairies might be in Pixie Hollow that morning. They were very non-committal. We decided it was better not to try than to go through the lines and not see SilverMist again.

Peter Pan was closed for a bit, so we grabbed a fastpass for later and rode It's A Small World again to distract Big Sis from her disappointment. Then we headed to the part of the park we had barely seen on Wednesday: Adventureland. We also thought Little Sister might enjoy the carpets and forget about Dumbo.

Guess who was there this time? Jasmine! We were second in line to see her when Big Sister had to pee. I don't know if it was nervous excitement or just bad timing, but I knew she really had to go if she was going to miss out on Jasmine. Daddy rushed her to the nearest (not so near at all since the actual nearest was closed for renovations) restroom and Little Sis, Papa and I let person after person pass us in line. Finally, they got back and we snapped some cute pics with her favorite princess.

Then we hopped on the carpet rides.

Little Sis was impatient- she kept using her growly-mean voice to say "LETS GO" until it started. While we were up in the air, we saw that Jasmine had been joined by someone else. When we got off of the ride, we went back over so Big Sister could meet Aladdin.

Then we convinced her that Pirates of the Carribean was not too scary, and she reluctantly agreed to go on it. We were wrong. The old Pirates of the Carribean was not scary. The new one involves holograms of the creepy Davey Jones character and pitch black waterfall drops and was nothing like I remembered. She wasn't too upset, though. She picked out a hook in the gift shop to add to her pirate costume at home.

Then we boarded the Jungle Cruise. Our guide was great, and even though they got about 5% of her jokes, both girls seemed to really enjoy the ride too.

After that, it was time to take our fastpasses back to Peter Pan. I got to ride with Big Sis this time, and I saw how much she really did enjoy it. Go figure.

We ate lunch in Gipetto's restaurant that overlooks the boats entering It's a Small World. Big Sis was glued to the window, PB&J in hand, for the entire meal. She waved at every boat. Every boat. And I had packed yogurt for Little Sis, so we were there for a long time.

I didn't just pack for Little Sis, or even just for the girls. I was the mom who made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and doritos for the whole family- we had lots of groceries left and had eaten in the park more than I had originally planned, so it made sense. Daddy was one part proud of me for saving money and one part embarrassed. Oh- and one part trying to convince me to order some fries to go with it all.

After lunch, Daddy and Big Sister visited the TomorrowLand Speedway. While we waited for them, Little Sis loved watching the cars come around the corner. If I forgot, she'd remind me to ask, "What colorw?" and immediately answer. When there was a lull with no traffic, she'd get super excited to see the new group of cars come around the turn. "There it is!" or "I see it!" I could have stood there all day and not grown tired of the game.

Big Sis liked driving a lot, even though I'm not sure how she saw above the steering wheel.

We stayed a little while in Tomorrowland, which we had totally missed on Wednesday. We saw what used to be my favorite attraction, The Carousel of Progress. This time, I felt overwhelmed and a little saddened by it. I'll try to write about that someday after I run out of pictures. It also might have been due to the fact that Little Sis fell asleep in my lap and woke up as soon as we got back out into the sun, mean as a snake.

We rode the Tomorrorowland Transit Authority to calm her down, since she loves any trainlike ride. It worked, for the most part, except when we rode through parts of Space Mountain in the dark.

We had fastpasses for Buzz Lightyear, which was cute but in which it was impossible for me to score any points with Little Sis as my partner. Not that I was keeping score, like Daddy & Papa were in their cars.

Soon we headed back to ToonTown, but the afternoon weather was warm and lovely and things were getting crowded (for the first time all week, really)! No more Barnstormer for us. We did stop for a visit to Minnie's house, something Big Sis missed last time.

I also checked the wait time for visiting the fairies in Pixie Hollow- 60 minutes! And they still wouldn't tell me if Silvermist was in there!!! So, we left for ice cream and story time with Belle. I will be sharing some more photos from that adventure with you in an upcoming post. It was very entertaining.

We had skipped the teacups the other day, because they make Daddy sick. But I started thinking about how iconic they are to the whole Disney experience, and decided Big Sis and I needed to ride them.

I'm so glad that we did, and that I forgot to hand off the camera to Daddy before we got on. Otherwise we might have missed this moment- Big Sis & I sitting across from each other, spinning and laughing.

Daddy had hauled heiney from Tomorrowland to Frontierland earlier to get Fastpasses for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and it was time for us to start going that way. We decided to ride the train, which should have made Little Sister happy. But waiting for the train led to a giant fit. On the upside, it also led to the Cast Member at the train station cheering her up with cute cards with train pictures, which just happened to be guest conductor cards. Big Sis got one too, and she got to sit in the back and say "All Aboard" just like she & Papa had been practicing on every train ride since we arrived.

On the ride, the girls entertained each other... er... nicely?

...until Little Sister finally started to calm down.

Then we hurried to Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Daddy and Big Sister got in line while I kept Little Sister occupied. It wasn't hard. On this trip, she became obsessed with buckles.

My job was to watch for the brave riders and snap a picture. These are really zoomed in, but it's still hard to spot them. They're in the second row from the front. Big Sis is barely visible in the second photo, you can just see the top of her head.

I thought she was too little for this ride, but she seemed to have a good time. Her only complaints were about the noise.

At the end, Daddy asked "Did you like that ride?" She answered with a weak "yes."
"Did you have fun?" Another sad little "yes."
"Would you like to do it again sometime?" "no."
He said the older girls in front of them were quite tickled at this exchange.

If you ask her now, she'll say it was amazing and that we have to ride it when we go back.

After this last ride, we met my parents in Liberty Square, where I bought a Christmas ornament to commemorate our first family trip to Disney. Then we made our way out of the park. We weren't staying for dinner or the fireworks- we had to pack and leave early the next morning.

The monorails were still running strangely, so we ended up separated and crammed in like sardines. A nice man offered me a place to sit down with Little Sis, and she charmed him and the ladies next to us for the rest of the ride. Then we made one final tram ride, got into the car, and left Disney.

Little Sis fell asleep before we even got to Uno's to eat dinner. She spent 3/4 of the meal sleeping on the booth seat, and the last 1/4 awake, upset and disoriented. We were all feeling the wear of the week, but with very little nappage for five straight days, she probably felt it most of all.

We went back to our hotel, gave the girls a bath and watched the Epcot fireworks from our balcony.

The next morning we loaded up and left Orlando. Just like that, our Disney Vacation was over.

It was exhausting.

But totally worth it.